My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 2

[Vanilla]

Sorry there is a she missing in the bold bit. Your WW knows you care a great deal and aren't detached because you interact so much.

V

[joejoe1]

Ovr,

Last year for my W and I anniversary I asked the same question here on thus forum. Should I give her something. Well, before I found this site, I went out and bought her a bracelet. Well I got mixed reviews from the forum. So I had already bought the bracelet and deep down, I wanted it to have an impact. On our anniversary I gave her the bracelet. She looked at that bracelet and not a bit of excitement came out her. It was a surreal moment. She didn't give a f@$!. That hurt more than hell. After recon, we brought that bracelet back to the store, I got a chain, that I love and I'm wearing it now, and she got some different things.

My point is that gift had no impact on her changing her mind. The only thing she saw of value were my actions. I could of spent all kind of money and got all kind of gifts, she only saw my actions on that day as trying to hold on too something that she didn't want (the M), controlling her and not validating her feelings. That gift represented me not understanding that for her the M was over and wasn't because of me not getting her gifts it was because she had resentment.

After that day, and that gift I just couldn't allow myself to seem weak like that anymore.

Your W is not mentally in your M, so getting her something that is dead in her eyes will IMO come off as pursuit and weak.

The best thing you can get her on that day, is telling her "Happy anniversary", with a smile, be strong and confident. And go about your day.

[ovrrnbw]

Ovr,

Last year for my W and I anniversary I asked the same question here on thus forum. Should I give her something. Well, before I found this site, I went out and bought her a bracelet. Well I got mixed reviews from the forum. So I had already bought the bracelet and deep down, I wanted it to have an impact. On our anniversary I gave her the bracelet. She looked at that bracelet and not a bit of excitement came out her. It was a surreal moment. She didn't give a f@$!. That hurt more than hell. After recon, we brought that bracelet back to the store, I got a chain, that I love and I'm wearing it now, and she got some different things.

My point is that gift had no impact on her changing her mind. The only thing she saw of value were my actions. I could of spent all kind of money and got all kind of gifts, she only saw my actions on that day as trying to hold on too something that she didn't want (the M), controlling her and not validating her feelings. That gift represented me not understanding that for her the M was over and wasn't because of me not getting her gifts it was because she had resentment.

After that day, and that gift I just couldn't allow myself to seem weak like that anymore.

Your W is not mentally in your M, so getting her something that is dead in her eyes will IMO come off as pursuit and weak.

The best thing you can get her on that day, is telling her "Happy anniversary", with a smile, be strong and confident. And go about your day.

I wasn't going to get her anything or even mention the anniversary. My counselor said to write a small note. So that's what I'm looking for. But I kinda think I'm better off without it.

[ovrrnbw]

Sorry there is a she missing in the bold bit. Your WW knows you care a great deal and aren't detached because you interact so much.

V

We don't interact much, just the last couple Fridays she's called me a lot with her sadness. She was accusing me of ignoring her, remember, and said I was playing a game. She was asking me how I was doing so well through everything. I think I was, at least somewhat, detached.

I may just stay the night out on our anniversary, don't even go home. But maybe I'm better just making it a regular night, nothing different for me.

[ovrrnbw]

A couple of folks accidentally posted in the old thread, but I'll continue here. Here's the latest strange, strange turn:

Last night she woke me up. Lots of floppy hand movements leg movements and making noise playing on her phone loudly. After it woke me up I just tried to go back to sleep but then she was tapping on me a couple of times trying to give me to wake up. Then she asked me a couple of times to hold her and I responded why the first time, she said she's sad. So I said that [censored] and she moaned and whined a couple of things. Then she asked again if I would hold her and I said I don't know. Then I didn't end up doing it. She's sad b/c of our anniversary she says. Ok...

One of the time she woke me up she asked me if we can talk but I said no it's late I'm going to bed. So she says well just a couple of minutes? So I didn't respond she says please couple more times. I go to fall back asleep and she goes back into the breathing loudly and moving around all the time routine.

Then this morning she wakes up early before me and starts doing that again making noise moving around. At one point she even moved closer to me in bed I'm like what the hell. So I decide to just get up she stopped me and asked me for a hug I said I don't know (this is my way of saying "No", if you can't tell). And I tried to walk out the door before she asked again and I told her I don't know. Then I'm about to leave and she sound me to hang on for a second to talk and she freaks out cuz she thinks I'm leaving when I was actually just going to get something out of the car. So I come back inside she tells me how she's sad but again but doesn't want my pity. Okay.

Then she asked me if I want to hang out and go to the pool tonight and I don't respond immediately so she gets mad and and says it's okay don't worry about it. So I told her I won't be in a part-time relationship. I asked her then what tomorrow then I go back to not talking to you? And she says well you want me to decide if I'm going to be with you today. So I just say no I'm just telling you what I won't do. And then I go to leave and she asked for another hug. I told her she can hug me and she came over and gave me a hug and I just kind of gave her a little bit of a hug, only one arm, not a good one back after she hugged me and cried.

Now today she asks again about going to the pool and getting dinner. I agreed, but I'm very skeptical.

[SteveLW]

She seems very immature. Was she like that when you met her?

[ovrrnbw]

Not really Steve. Full ride D1 athlete, driven, we have a business together, great decision maker until recently. I think she's having a major disconnect with her self image, and doesn't know how to deal with anything that isn't a success. Add in some old, serious issues that have never been dealt with to the new issues she wants to run away from.

[ovrrnbw]

Here's a recap from last night:

She was asking where I go and who I'm with. I stuck with friends for my answer.
She asked if I was hanging out with a girl.
She asked if I talked to my best man a lot about our situation. I guess she thinks thats who I'd talk to the most but it hasn't been.
She asked me if I told anyone about us going out tonight, I said no and she said she told her sister and one friend she was going out with me.
She got a new phone and we went to the att store.She was kinda being rude at the cell phone store .
She played on the new phone a lot when we got home so I turned on the TV and fell asleep. Seems like she was on her phone a lot, but maybe that was planned distraction for the situation.
She asked me if it was weird with this being our anniversary. I laughed and said yes.
She asked me about wearing my ring last night, which I thought was strange. Asked when I stopped wearing it, she hasn't worn hers in forever, except to work.
We played the accidentally touching each other game. She's sleeping pretty lightly and so am I bc I woke up a few times and she was awake each time. Or maybe she woke first I'm not sure.
She played the obnoxious phone noises and rustling in bed game again, it woke me up again about 30 min after falling asleep but eh, the TV was still on anyways.

Wasn't bad, wasn't great overall. I thanked her last night for asking me and we hugged this morning.
I'm still skeptical.

[EricC]

So I told her I won't be in a part-time relationship

Not sure what the others think...

I would not bring up the relationship. It is ok to refuse to hang out with her. But do not complain about the relationship. Just say you have other plans, and do have other plans. She needs to see that she is no longer your top priority without you rubbing it in.

Same thing regarding her waking you up in the middle of the night. If you think that she needs help and you are willing to listen to her, why not. But if you think she is just manipulating you, you can ask her not to wake you up because you need to sleep. Just do not base your behavior on what you think or want from your relationship.

[ovrrnbw]

Two nights in a row back in the bed too...oh boy...

I think I need to keep doing what I'm doing, getting a life, keeping my distance and skepticism. I think I'll wait to see if she's staying at home before I make any changes, but I'm surprised and confused now. She hasn't expressed remorse for her actions, but I think she is still not fully, or maybe even partially, in reality.