But be careful in getting to hopeful. This feels like she is trying to make sure good old overrnbw is still underneath her as a safety net. WWs do not like to be dangling from a trapeze with no safety net. When you start detaching properly she will feel the lack of control over you and she will freak out. She wants her Plan B secured, and by you detaching she feels that the safety net is slowly being removed. It makes her feel vulnerable.
You're right. I need to back off and not be there for long convos. Quick, brief, see ya later.
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So take all of this with a huge grain of salt. And for pete's sake stop telling her that her affair is wrong.
She asked me if I thought it was wrong, that's why I brought it up.
Good to hear from you Steve.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
One other thing your long update made me think of, and this is a caution for newbies that are just starting their journey, your W being concerned about what other people think when hearing about her affair is why it is wise NOT to talk to family and friends about the sitch.
I really believe that discussing the sitch with family and friends later because a roadblock to R. It is hard enough for the WAS to come back after all of the water under the bridge between them and LBS. That is compounded when family and friends are brought into it because now the WAS has to deal with those relationships when trying to come back to.
I made a lot of mistakes in my sitch, but the one thing I heard from anti-divorce experts early on was to NOT bring family and friends into it for this very reason. I know in my sitch, if I had gone to my parents and siblings and others, it would have driven my W even further away than she already was, and probably would have destroyed any change of R.
Obviously for those that have already done this it is too late, that toothpaste is already out of the tube, but for any one new to this think very hard about confiding in people that later will have problems dealing with your WAS in their own relationship with them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, in most circumstances I agree with you but there are sitches where keeping quiet is not helpful.
Firstly in abuse sitches then the full extent of the abuse including an A has to be discussed. Otherwise the target lacks the support they need.
When a wayward is living with an OP and is flagrant about an A then it's obvious anyway.
I never believe in lies and denial of the truth, ever. The LBS denies their own reality. Much of the time it's no one's business but the couple involved so on a need to know basis, most don't but they will speculate anyway.
And in some cases merely saying that you reserve the right to tell the truth and you will never lie is a shocker to the wayward. Whether you do or not is a personal decision.
As for telling the A partners spouse, opinions are very mixed on it. My own stance is don't but that's not everyone'S view.
I have NO sympathy for cheaters. None, zero, nilch and they should be dropped from a great height on their entitled noggins. Disclosing to the world their nasty cheater ways is the right of the numpty cheated on.
And anyone who is the spouse of a cheater should get tested for STD and make it very clear to the wayward that they have done this because the cheater can't be trusted.
Waywards are cheaters that's the unvarnished truth. By cheating they put the numpties' health at risk. That is nasty.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I am not sure I disagree with anything you just said. Nor do I think it necessarily contradicts what I posted above. I too believe cheating is completely abhorrent. And I am against lying and denying the truth. But that doesn't mean the LBS has to go shouting from the rooftops about the cheating spouse either. Obviously they can, that is within their rights, but it severely limits their chances of reconciliation. And while you and I might think "why would they want to reconcile with a cheater?!", that too is within the rights of the LBS to decide.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I really want to confide in her parents, but I'm not really ready to do that. I love them, they love me - but they love their daughter more. I wonder if they believe she isn't having an affair through this all...WW even asked me yesterday not to tell them, which makes me think I ought to do it. WW is in fantasyland. But again, I'm not talking to them.
Her mom told her sister, who told WW who told me, that her mom thinks WW is depressed. She very well may be, from what I can read.
Anyways, thanks for all the help guys - SERIOUSLY. I'm going to work on not validating her BS and cutting these convos short. Not going to be your "H on the side".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I really want to confide in her parents, but I'm not really ready to do that. I love them, they love me - but they love their daughter more. I wonder if they believe she isn't having an affair through this all...WW even asked me yesterday not to tell them, which makes me think I ought to do it. WW is in fantasyland. But again, I'm not talking to them.
Her mom told her sister, who told WW who told me, that her mom thinks WW is depressed. She very well may be, from what I can read.
Anyways, thanks for all the help guys - SERIOUSLY. I'm going to work on not validating her BS and cutting these convos short. Not going to be your "H on the side".
Yeah. No good could come from you telling her parents.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
