I feel like we're getting closer. I texted WW about a house key, she called me and we talked on the phone for 1 hour. She says she can't force herself to try, cares about me, but isn't "in love". I just validated her feelings. She is talking to me a lot.
I told her that her affair is wrong today, she asked me if I thought it was wrong yesterday and I didn't respond but she commented on my facial reaction, which said what I thought. She said she wouldn't call it that bc I controlled her into doing it by being a bad H.
I also stopped her when she got nasty with me and simply said "I'm not going to be talked to like that, I'll leave if I need to." The conversation got better.
Did I validate a bad behavior?
My counselor says it's fine not to pursue, but to open a window for her to come back.
Vanilla, which part were you referencing I should say "serves you right" to?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I told her that her affair is wrong today, she asked me if I thought it was wrong yesterday and I didn't respond but she commented on my facial reaction, which said what I thought. She said she wouldn't call it that bc I controlled her into doing it by being a bad H.
Call it what, an affair? DO NOT let her lay the blame for HER affair on you. That is projection at its finest. This is a good indicator she knows full well it isnt your fault and shes trying to dodge that guild by convincing herself its your fault. My WW did the same thing, and still does, and she is in a full blow R with OM.
Dont buy that crap. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I feel like were getting closer. I texted WW about a house key, she called me and we talked on the phone for 1 hour. She says she cant force herself to try, cares about me, but isnt "in love". I just validated her feelings. She is talking to me a lot.
How do you feel you are getting closer?!?! She is banging another dude, telling you she does not want to be with you, and justifying her affair. You are not getting closer, that is just what you want to believe. It is what she wants you to believe too because it makes it easier to continue doing what she is doing.
And her saying she cannot force herself to try is a cop out too. My W pulled the same crap. Said she tried to try but just could not. No, you cannot try to try. You either do or do not. And I have not met anyone that did not have to force themselves to try something they did not want to do. She just does not want to try...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
It is all her concern for herself. Every bit of it is about her!
Ok. I need to do what works, but what do I do or say about these things she is saying? Validate feelings, stand ground on affair being solely her choice and wrong?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It is all her concern for herself. Every bit of it is about her!
Ok. I need to do what works, but what do I do or say about these things she is saying? Validate feelings, stand ground on affair being solely her choice and wrong?
Let her talk, listen, dont say much. Dont dig yourself deeper, dont let yourself be taken advantage of.
Are you truly following ALL of Sandi's rules?
Print them out or type them into a post, and rate yourself on how well you are doing with each one. Those 37 rules are gold. Follow them.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
You aren't 'getting closer', you are getting further apart. She is 'banging another dude'!
It's a big bang with a cartload of dynamite.
There is no 'getting closer' whilst she is in an A unless you agree with poly.
As I said you are being mugged and talking a lot, that's not closer. You are Plan B.
Her A is her responsibility not yours and these backlashes are the consequences. In actual fact you now know she is doing this to keep you quiet on her A. In my view you can be as open as you like about this and never lie to cover it up. If asked you say 'my WW is having a PA with dingbat' and you also tell her that you will never lie about it.
Stop validating her behaviour and feelings about it. She clearly only cares about herself. Because you are validating her she thinks quite clearly (she said so) that you are OK with it.
And you seem to be telling her she can come home no consequences?
Stop talking on the phone for an hour!
Let her suffer the consequences of her behaviour and feel sorry for herself then take action to atone to you.
All I see is a H enabling his W affair and removing the consequences.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It is all her concern for herself. Every bit of it is about her!
Ok. I need to do what works, but what do I do or say about these things she is saying?
Get disgusted and STFU.
Validate feelings,
stop validating behaviour and feelings on the A and the consequences of it. Hold her feet to the fire.
I think some work on validation and what it is may be in order. Validate things that are of real concern, such as her car broke down- That's rough WW, I am sure WW you can sort it as you are resourceful. She broke her toe "ouch WW that must really hurt"
But "my A is going too well" that you do not validate.
stand ground on affair being solely her choice and wrong?
You are really asking this? Is her A really your fault? Did you cause her knickers to fall off for a dingbat scumbag to deposit his comings and goings?
Do you not think her A is wrong? Are you OK with her A?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
overrnbw, I read all of this but didn't have time to respond. You got some good feedback from OK, mtb, sandi and V. You need to proceed with caution.
First, WW always blame their husbands for everything. She could have bought bomb making materials, and blew up a daycare center, and she would still somehow blame it on you. This is how they justify their actions. Blame, deflect, redirect, deny, lie. Whatever they have to do to be able to lay their head on their pillows at night and go to sleep.
I was in a sex-starved marriage for years. I could have begged every night for it, and never got it. But that in no way justified me to go out and sleep with someone else. Yes cheaters say that being denied for so long DOES justify it, but right thinking people do not.
But be careful in getting to hopeful. This feels like she is trying to make sure good old overrnbw is still underneath her as a safety net. WWs do not like to be dangling from a trapeze with no safety net. When you start detaching properly she will feel the lack of control over you and she will freak out. She wants her Plan B secured, and by you detaching she feels that the safety net is slowly being removed. It makes her feel vulnerable.
So take all of this with a huge grain of salt. And for pete's sake stop telling her that her affair is wrong. She knows it is wrong. She may never say it or admit it, and she may always try to blame you, but that in no way means that she doesn't realize it is wrong. Telling her it is, over and over again, is pursuit. I know opinions vary on this, but this my opinion. If you DB right you don't even have to address the affair if and until she is really ready to R.
So those are my thoughts. I am sure you enjoyed the fact that you had your wife's attention during those discussions. But as others have said, she is in open rebellion to the MR, so discussing it really does nothing until she is no longer rebelling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is all her concern for herself. Every bit of it is about her!
Ok. I need to do what works, but what do I do or say about these things she is saying? Validate feelings, stand ground on affair being solely her choice and wrong?
Let her talk, listen, dont say much. Dont dig yourself deeper, dont let yourself be taken advantage of.
Are you truly following ALL of Sandi's rules?
Print them out or type them into a post, and rate yourself on how well you are doing with each one. Those 37 rules are gold. Follow them.
I'm going to bars sometimes with friends.
I kinda have talked R a little, but in response to her bringing up things (which is OK, right?). I haven't said "let's try" or tried begging, pleading, reasoning in over a month. I went LRT about a month ago.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
