Rebuilding my life #3

[Maika]

Hey LC! Appreciate the update. I am happy to hear you're thriving and making strides forward.

[lcause]

Hmm... So much time has passed again. Nothing new on my sitch, except that I am in a new relationship. This feels much more mature than my previous ones. There has been days off without communication and we have had serious conversations about our needs and general views. She understands me but does not seem to try to solve my problems, which is really nice. I have not told her about this place and will keep it that way.

My XW and I were never alike. We liked different things, valued different things and chased different things. Part of this realization made me think about sitches overall and wonder why people believe in this "script". If the "script" applied to my case, OM would be someone who is "less" than I am in many areas - but he is not. I think those cases where OPs are "less" are the minority. One could go on and babble about morals and such, but morals and ethics could be debated till the distant future. Fact of the matter is that impulses can easily override morals. My XW wanted something else in her life than what I was offering, she was not this "foggy" depressed person. Sometimes people just are not a fit for each other. What I am really saying here is that I think newcomers are comforted too much about their own value by bashing the OP when in fact the two best life advices I have ever heard is "take 100% responsibility of your life and what happens to you" and "compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to someone else". This comfort makes them basically addicted to this site and the people supporting. Leave the anger, belittlement, moral pushing, ego-fixing and just live your life to the fullest.

I have spent way too much time thinking life and its meaning. I do not really know why I sometimes think about my past and my marriage or XW. One thing I know for sure that it is not about wanting to reconciliate. More of thinking about the meaning of it or the actions that lead us to where we end up divorcing. I do not know if this is normal, even though I am already in a new relationship. It is not harming though and I believe fully in myself that I am not trying to replace anything with anyone.

The morals I have adapted are generally viewed as christian. That combined with extreme interest to find my purpose and to satisfy my intellect and cognitive needs, I have been reading the bible even though I do not believe in deity and generally identify as an atheist. Oh boy how much I have changed. If you would have told me two years ago that I would be reading the bible through with an actual curiosity in the stories it teaches (as I think I could have read it through as just an interest in it as general knowledge, to see what it is really all about or to impress people in quizzes) I would have laughed my ass off and called you crazy. Well, here I am, next tackling Dostoevskys books.

I find it interesting that people find meditation and mindfullness as useless practices. My XW told that this is her view. I have seen evidence of the contradictory sort. Maybe some people are generally very mindful and thus do not require these practices - but I have seen personal improvement alongside with actual research results indicating otherwise, at least with some subjects.

Well, I just wanted to share something so this message is probably all over the place. As a new era has started in my life, this will be my last update to my sitch. I wish you all the best for the future and many thanks for the people who have helped me along my journey. You know who you are.

LC

[lcause]

Well, I thought that was the last post. Update: they got engaged. Also, OM was accepted to a prestigious university, having a bright future when it comes to salary and career. Somehow my self-image got shattered - not because I would care to get my XW back, but because it reflects how much worse I am in many aspects. I am sure I could get there with work too but I have zero interest in that career path. I will never have the possibility to get as high when it comes to social appreciation and no matter how hard I have tried, changing my view about the meaning of money is not working. There have been times when I question the possibility of changing oneself altogether as I think this doing is just forceful facade, not a genuine change. Somehow the neural pathways do not die. Maybe it requires more time but I am getting somewhat exhausted of forcing myself. I like it, but why does not it become natural already? Maybe it is genetic.

Well, gladly this was the first time I got a setback in months and it is mostly about a reflection of myself, not really about them. Overall I feel pretty content.

Happy summer.

[Btrow]

LC,
Do not worry about him or any fancy degrees he might earn. She did not leave you because of your earning power or lack of diplomas on the wall. And if she did, who needs such a shallow person after all. I was replaced by a guy 12 years my senior. He looks his age, dresses his age and when speaking, sounds like he is some low-intelligent hillbilly. I make probably 20-30K more than him per year, look better, dress better and the list goes on an on. You know there is no logic in neither of our sitches, right?

If you are happy being you, then do not chase after something else. Personally I am happy with who I am. I will not let the actions of my XW define me. I label myself a succes. You do the same. The best version of ourselves is the most we can achieve. And if you are there now, then you are there now. Stop forcing yourself.

[lcause]

Thanks Btrow. It is just the talk about them always switching to someone worse which gets me. Like it is also in your case. I know she did not leave me because of that, but my self image still got bruised as a reflection of not being a good enough of a person on many areas. Like somehow I am missing in life - I would not even take my XW back anymore even if it was a possibility. Not sure why it is this way but it is. I was just fine and not caring about it all for many months. I have been GALing, occupying myself constantly, meeting new people, traveling, building things... Still the happiness does never feel truly genuine. I am beginning to question that I have some genetic issue or my brain has altered from a concussion with a seizure earlier in my life. Maybe this is coming up with am explanation but this much work and I ultimately feel like, outside of detachment when it comes to XW, I am at the beginning.

[Btrow]

Healing is going to take a lot of time, even if you are doing everything right. I still miss my old "family". And. I am more than 6 months longer into the proces than you are. It is not just the wife we lost, is it.

No matter if we want them back or not, we were still betrayed and/or abandoned by the one who knew us best. The one we really depended on. That will hurt for a long long time. No matter the amount of gal we do. Do you remember missmyfriend or whatever his name was. 11 years later he still misses the XW. So one year for you really is not that long even if it feel that way. You will get there.

The affair down we hear about all the time, forget about it. They all affair up. At least in their own minds. But that has nothing to do with us. We were good enough for a long time. We were not the one that changed, right?

How are things with your new lady?

[lcause]

See, I don't really miss her. I miss my kids each time I have to give them back, but that's only for a few hours. Days I'm without them, I don't really miss them in the sense of "feeling" it. Of course I would want to be with them but it's not an active thought that occupies my mind daily.

I don't really feel betrayed. I'm over the divorce already but I am not happy with myself. I feel bad that my own life is not even close to what I want it to be. The issue is that I will never be there since I lack the traits that would make me be there. I have so high anxiety about everything and I am a perfectionist that I can't appreciate anything but perfect - if I know I can't do it perfectly, then I'd rather not do it at all. I've been forcing myself believing in self-help stuff but months have gone by without any real progress. I'm still the same person with the same thoughts, restrictions, skills and features. I still get anxiety, I still find it hard to do things, I still find it hard to study, I still find it hard to apply for jobs... Frankly put I'm tired of forcing myself to be something that I am not. I am getting frustrated at the self-help, "you can be whatever you want to be", "you make your own happiness" bullcrap. Some people are happy that they can for example buy more material and thus are materialistic, that's just the truth. Just as an example.

Therapy does not help. Has been expensive and thus I quit it. Meds and stuff do, Ashwagandha, Theanine and Green tea have been an amazing combination for my anxiety. I've been on/off for about 20 times now and each time I've taken these, my anxiety is not nearly as bad it usually is. I don't overanalyze everything which feels amazing. Wish I would have found this combination earlier. Works better than exercise.

My point is that some people think they always affair down when compared to the LBS but that's just nonsense designed to make the LBS feel better about themselves - or my scenario is a special case. The only trait OM has "worse" than I do is the moralistic view, but who cares. He is not an alcoholic, he is younger than I am, he is in better shape, has more money, more friends, more active life... I think stating this is very harmful and causes comparisons anyways, like this. People in this board go overboard to mock OPs and WWs/WASs when they are simply people with needs, wants and passions too. I know now that if my relationship is not going the way I want it to go, I'll bail out. Life is too short to spend on with someone you are not happy with.

The girl is a much better match than XW was. She is supportive, appreciative and knows how to say "thank you". She validates, rather than either tries to fix my issue or gets pissed about me complaining about something. I don't recall XW EVER validating or really understanding my issues. I always felt like she did not really appreciate me. Part of me thinks it was my own fault... New girl has higher sex drive than I do which I find a bit pressing at times. She doesn't have kids but wants to have one. I planned on having three, so I am fine with having one more. We jog together quite a bit, pretty much each day we see each other. And go to sauna, of course. I just don't know... She is not generally worried about life and laughs at my jokes, seems to have fun and doesn't complain about her work. She listens to my interests (like programming) even when she doesn't understand a single tiny bit - and actually tries to understand by asking questions! She feels like superb gf material, outside of having mere college degree and not university... Will not be as successful as it comes to a career and I really hate myself for even thinking about these outside factors. This just seems to be so hardwired in me. I wish I could just ditch these mental blocks... Of course, this is all early in the process so her views about me could change after "limerence" wears off. I am not limerent but actually very careful, probably even too much. Sometimes she can be a bit clingy though.