Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Text convo this morning:

Me: Because your phone was from OM1. I'm giving you $2325 to have your own place and separating our finances I'm sure you expect your phone to be my responsibility. Are you coming here to look at separation agreement or I will just drop it off to you with her? Did you respond to place for rental you don't want to lose the place do you?

W: Yea I responded. Dan please I was not trying to make you mad or ask for you to buy anything sorry.

Me: I am not mad. But I do think you subconsciously want to have your cake and eat it too. I was thinking about your comment yesterday about family and it being good for D3. I'm not going to deceive her. A family is together all the time.

W: It is not deception geez.

Me: Yes it is. You fired me as your husband you left me and our family. We are separated. I have been doing this weird fake family thing. Would you be with a guy that just wanted to sleep with you sometimes?

If and when you commit to me I would love to have family time. You know how badly I want that. Until then I need to respect myself and detach and not set myself up for pain if you choose OM2 or anything other than me and our family. If we are separated we are actually separated. And understand I'm saying this not dating anyone. I'm trying to be a faithful husband and good strong person. If you want to come back to our life you can but you can not have more than a friendship w another guy and text him every day and have me and our family.

[Davide]

Did,

I thought you handled it well and stood up for yourself in the first part of the conversation. Good job!

I think you lost it a bit at the end.

If and when you commit to me I would love to have family time. You know how badly I want that. Until then I need to respect myself and detach and not set myself up for pain if you choose OM2 or anything other than me and our family. If we are separated we are actually separated. And understand I'm saying this not dating anyone. I'm trying to be a faithful husband and good strong person. If you want to come back to our life you can but you can not have more than a friendship w another guy and text him every day and have me and our family.

That is pursuit. You are chasing after her again. Read Sandi's rules. Don't talk about the relationship. She knows that you want her back, you don't need to keep saying it. You need to stop saying it.

Trust me, I want to tell my W how much i would love to reconcile. But it is fruitless at this point. She is not ready to hear it, nor is yours. It just pushes them further away.

Stay strong!

[Did]

Thanks David... Youre right I said too much.

[Did]

But at least she knows she cant have family time at this point so maybe a step in the right direction.

[sandi2]

W acts like she is nice, kind and supportive just yesterday is telling me how she will support me and I will support her. But nothing about relationship or coming back to the M.

That is her way of demoting you from the position of H......to "friend". Which, friends don't work, b/c of the two different viewpoints of its definition.

She doesnt recognize anything she is doing as wrong. And says she is really focused on being a good person which I believe. But she is doing it all by herself and the girlfriends she spends time with are not centered at all. She doesnt recognize anything she is doing as wrong. And says she is really focused on being a good person which I believe

.

You believe she is focused on being a good person? Starting when?

But she is doing it all by herself and the girlfriends she spends time with are not centered at all. They are kind of toxic in bad relationships and W tells me about how one is kind of trying to get pregnant but not really just because she wants kids with a guy shes been with a couple months. Or the other lost connection with H but wont leave him until kids are grown. Bad examples of relationships and not great people in my opinion...

Women are influenced a lot by their friends.

She is either in the family all the time or not at all

Well, it's one thing for me to explain it to you, but if you try repeating it to your W, it will probably sound like emotional pressure to her ears.

I had been pushing for family time and time together for months. So she will see this as me being inconsistent again. Oh well...

You would be the first LBH to figure out what his WW was thinking. You don't know how a regular/normal woman thinks.......how are you going to know what your WW thinks?
Anyway, if it has been "you" pushing for family time.......it's best to keep your lines to yourself, for the time being.

Along with the financial aspect of our separation agreement I wrote that we would get together every 7-10 days to talk about D3 future

Wow, that's a lot of talking about a 3 yr old's future.

and plans for marriage.

Ah........now we get to the meat of it. Having a relationship talk every 7-10 days. And making M plans! Why the heck do you think she wants to sit down with you once a week to discuss plans for M? Didn't she indicate her plans when she left you? Why do you think pushing her every 7-10 days would work in your favor? If there had been a thread.......just a sliver of attraction left...... that would bury it right then & there! I just don't understand why you guys think a woman who finds you unattractive as a H.....and who no longer has feelings for you.......believe if you wear her down enough, those feelings will return! It's not just LBH's......it's LBW's that want to draw the spouse back through talks. Talks do not work on waywards.

This can be the only time we talk in person? Or just dont do that at all? We have a house together and a lot of things to figure out - splitting furniture, weekly schedule with D3 custody etc. My work schedule is never the same... I guess this meeting could just be to figure out custody sharing and moving process. Then I can just nicely leave...? Unless she makes a dramatic shift in the future to pursuing me and no OM in picture.

Stop making up excuses to talk and see her in person. Write out your various shifts and when you can have D3. Send it to her. The two of you can adjust the schedule whenever necessary, but that can be done over text or email. You don't have to set up a meeting to have a discussion about the child......which is really just a disguise for seeing WW and taking another shot at pressuring her about the M.

You cannot talk a WW back into the MR. Until she comes to you and asks what she has to do for you to take her back.........forget talking her into coming back.

She did come back to me after 1st PA this winter. She lied about it and said just friends, while she was sending naked pictures and sexting graphic stuff - and manipulation tactic although true in her head was to not hurt me. I saw her phone and this was the worst part of this whole thing, it was as bad as you can imagine with her physically trying to attack me to get her phone and me easily fending her off as she hurt herself trying to hurt me... talking to her mom and OM. Probably the worst time of my life

But you just said she is focused on being a good person, and that you believe her! Don't believe it. Don't believe anything she says. Wait until you see her words, attitude, and actions consistently line up......and then you can consider believing her.

I consider it an EA at this point but they were sleeping together months ago. He doesnt have time and doesnt prioritize her as far as I know. Her self worth has always been an issue stemming from childhood issues and then my neglect probably made it worse. Just some backstory there.

If she slept with the guy, then it's a PA. They are separated by miles at the moment. As long as she has contact with him in some form, her fantasy will be fed and she will continue having OM in her head.

Anyway thanks again Sandi. Im going to commit to no time together. GAL, work on myself and continue 180s which are more like 90s or 120s at this point. I have almost finished No More Mr Nice Guy. I read DB and started DR

You are most welcome, and I am excited to see your commitment and reading those books! I realize this is all very difficult for you. There have been many nice guys who have traveled this road before you......and whether or not the M's were saved, they came through the ordeal as winners b/c of the great change made in themselves. I know you can do it, too!

[sandi2]

Me: Because your phone was from OM1. I'm giving you $2325 to have your own place and separating our finances I'm sure you expect your phone to be my responsibility. Are you coming here to look at separation agreement or I will just drop it off to you with her? Did you respond to place for rental you don't want to lose the place do you?

W: Yea I responded. Dan please I was not trying to make you mad or ask for you to buy anything sorry.

Me: I am not mad. But I do think you subconsciously want to have your cake and eat it too. I was thinking about your comment yesterday about family and it being good for D3. I'm not going to deceive her. A family is together all the time.

W: It is not deception geez.

Me: Yes it is. You fired me as your husband you left me and our family. We are separated. I have been doing this weird fake family thing. Would you be with a guy that just wanted to sleep with you sometimes?

If and when you commit to me I would love to have family time. You know how badly I want that. Until then I need to respect myself and detach and not set myself up for pain if you choose OM2 or anything other than me and our family. If we are separated we are actually separated. And understand I'm saying this not dating anyone. I'm trying to be a faithful husband and good strong person. If you want to come back to our life you can but you can not have more than a friendship w another guy and text him every day and have me and our family.

OMG!!!

Put duct tape over your mouth and STFU!!

You are telling her all this stuff you are reading on the board! It's not for her ears. You need to get that point.

You are pursuing, pressurizing, and controlling. Not a single word in that discussion should have been uttered by you. Not one!

[Did]

Thanks Sandi. I guess I screwed that up. I hope it is not too much of a setback. I got it. Everything on here is for me and not for her. I guess talking to her about just about anything is pointless?

I mentioned she said she is working on being a good person. That is the last few months. 8-9 months ago she was making horrible decisions.

I am going to focus on following Sandis advice and DB.

We still own our home together and she says she wants to come over tomorrow to help D3 get ready for a birthday party of a friend that I am taking her too. I will just do my own thing. Work on my office. Walk the dog etc.

I will keep posting. I feel a lot better NOT chasing her and slowly starting to detach I think / hope.
Thanks all!

[sandi2]

I guess talking to her about just about anything is pointless?

Yes.

We still own our home together and she says she wants to come over tomorrow to help D3 get ready for a birthday party of a friend that I am taking her too. I will just do my own thing. Work on my office. Walk the dog etc.

Okay, good.

Does your W come & go in the home as she sees fit?

I will keep posting. I feel a lot better NOT chasing her and slowly starting to detach I think / hope.

It will probably get worse before it gets better, but you'll get there.

[Did]

Thanks Sandi I really appreciate you taking your time. No she tells me before she is coming. She does not come over much except to grab something or pack at this point.

It has been really bad in the past. This has been a year separation already. Seems like a long time but maybe not seeing other signatures on here.

[Did]

W refused to sign the separation agreement I wrote up saying I would pay her $2325 for 3 months - $1325 rent and $1000 expenses and she would give me all cc and access to checking accnt. She says it does not make sense and that I am trying to control her by taking all the credit cards / could spend all the savings etc. She said we should split everything fully including the savings (not much that is not in the equity of the house) and start the monthly payments / give me cc when our house sells and that would be the only time we split funds if we divorce. We are splitting the profit from our house sale - 45k each. I was pushing separating finances because of recommendations from this board. She probably spends less than $1000 per month at this point as it is. I am so tired of fighting with her and it was extremely draining and negative today. I was feeling better working on less communication and detaching and then we had this intense conversation / argument today. I am planning on meeting with L Wed AM to get some perspective & advice. It is only $100 for a consultation so I guess thats worth it.

Input is appreciated. I know many will say I am being Mr Nice Guy. She is a stay at home mom trying to start working again but she would make less money than day care costs. So it doesnt make sense since I am working Mon - Thurs until 830pm I really cant have D3 overnight. She could probably get more $ if we divorce... but we arent divorced and she isnt pushing for that at this time. I am planning to do a relatively short time period ( 3 months that I am committing to pay her monthly). If nothing changes in regard to our relationship or her working maybe we D at that time.

Thanks all