Thanks for the advice. Fortunately I don't have kids with her. So it helps someway. I have detached myself and moving on. However, I also need to set my boundaries which is why I reminded her we should no longer be communicating like friends. She needs to accept and respect my boundaries as well instead of lading out at me. She had her last say before I could say anything.I just listened and didn't say a word. Hope down the line after divorce is final she will hopefully realize that i was not a bad person after all.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
It sounds like you are in a solid spot if you can listen to her and not react. You cant worry about what she thinks about you now or later, it is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself.
In terms of boundaries, just don't answer her calls or respond to her texts if you dont want to (I guess you could block her). But you cant control what she does, just ignore it and dont let it affect you.
Congrats on getting this far in such good shape.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks. So are you suggesting despite the fact she mentioned that she wont contact me and If she DOES again, i simply don't respond to it? Also she is behaving as if i am responsible for everything that has hapoened so far. She has not taken responsibility for even 1% of the issues we had. Still blames my family who had nothing to do with her divorce decision and still blames me for everything which is sad.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
It is your call and your boundaries. What are your boundaries right now?
If you feel like it would be healthier to go full NC then do it. A lot of divorce books recommend that in order to fully heal. Are you still trying to DB? There are posters on here who have reconciled after D, so that is not impossible. However, it sounds like your W still has a ton of issues to work through and is a long way from being ready to be in any stable relationship with anyone.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Yea. She seems to be suffering from some negative attachments that happened in the past and is unable to let go off. Right now i am doing LRT and I only speak to my wife when she contacts me. However every time she interacts with me she is either very emotional or very upset. Hence I set the boundaries since the court date is nearing. After divorce I am done with this relationship and want to move on. Henxe I suggested this approach for which she got really upset.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Yea. She seems to be suffering from some negative attachments that happened in the past and is unable to let go off. Right now i am doing LRT and I only speak to my wife when she contacts me. However every time she interacts with me she is either very emotional or very upset. Hence I set the boundaries since the court date is nearing. After divorce I am done with this relationship and want to move on. Henxe I suggested this approach for which she got really upset.
nutcrac, I hope you are right that you are done with the MR and want to move on. However, a few posts above you point out that it is sad that she refuses to take even 1% of the blame for the MR problems.
To me that is not someone that is done and wants to move on. Remember, detachment is not LRT (please don't take that to mean that I don't think you should be LRT since it sounds like it is perfect for your sitch), but it is separating YOUR emotions from HER words and actions. When you can post that you are done and want to move on without having just said it is sad that she said this or didn't say that, or did this or didn't do that, then you will be properly detached in order to move forward healthy and happy. So think about that.
DBing is less about saving the MR and more saving yourself. The irony is that when you save yourself, oftentimes the MR is saved as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the response Steve85. Yes you are right Detachment is 100% out of the emotional attachment. I have been aiming for that and my wife has driven me almost to the edge of it. A few more steps towards detachment and I will pursue someone who can understand me better. Its been a long journey so far and so i sometimes see if there is any hope left in this relationship. When she spoke yesterday she hinted she expects some kind of an apology from my parents for her the argument that happened. Although I hurt my parents by losing contact and apologised to her on their behalf, I am willing to have them apologize provided she can withdraw the divorce. But there is no gaurantee. So was wondering how I can handle the situation? If not i should simply LRT and carry on with my life?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Thanks for the response Steve85. Yes you are right Detachment is 100% out of the emotional attachment. I have been aiming for that and my wife has driven me almost to the edge of it. A few more steps towards detachment and I will pursue someone who can understand me better. Its been a long journey so far and so i sometimes see if there is any hope left in this relationship. When she spoke yesterday she hinted she expects some kind of an apology from my parents for her the argument that happened. Although I hurt my parents by losing contact and apologised to her on their behalf, I am willing to have them apologize provided she can withdraw the divorce. But there is no gaurantee. So was wondering how I can handle the situation? If not i should simply LRT and carry on with my life?
WHy are you brokering between your parents and her? Are your parents really sorry for the argument? Or are they only going to apologize to try to save your MR? You're right, likely she doesn't think they are willing to and IF they did she would probably find another roadblock to R.
Nutcrac, detachment isn't about being able to move on to someone else. Detachment = self differentiation. That is being happy with yourself regardless if you are with your W, or a new GF or not. And if you are with one of them, being happy with yourself no matter what they say or do. So many posters on this board have their own definition of detachment. But if you are framing it in terms of jumping from your W to someone new, then you don't understand truly what detachment means.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes i think i am at a point that i have understood her games enough and no longer trust her. Even if i make my parents apologize there is no gaurantee that this relationship can be saved. She is simply pushing the guilt and blame towards me as much as possible so she can remove herself from this relationship. Yes i am doing GAL and moving on with my life. It doesnt mattet what she says or does to me as i am simply letting go off the past.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
When you were a WW, would you characterize urself as having had some personality disorder? And you recovered from it eventually to get back with your husband?
No, I did not have any personality disorder. When waywards are at their peak of rebellion, they may cause their loved ones to wonder if something is mentally wrong, b/c this is not the person they have always known.
I recovered from my wayward mindset, but I had no personality disorder.
Good to know. So suppose taking example of my WAW who is not wayward but is just walking out of my life. She mentioned in her supposedly final text " I dont deserve her!". I have been her doormat for 6 years and i finally got this from her. I have read your detachment and accordingly we should not beleive anything they say and only 50% of what they do. If i characterize my wife as normal, what does the above statement really mean then? Also after we permanently divorce and move on, will she ever realize all the hurt she caused me ever?
As I told you previously, I think your situation caused a lot of disappointment and anger in your W. She is directing that anger at you, rather than trying to get a better understanding or therapy, MC, etc. You both have suffered, but I see her as being disillusioned about MR and not knowing how to deal with her feelings. She took the sexual issue as a personal offense. That made her angry. She needs counseling and educated about these type of issues. If not, then she is going to target you.
"If i characterize my wife as normal, what does the above statement really mean then?"
I believe she is venting a lot of frustration and anger. Don't take to heart the painful things she says about you/MR. It is a sad and unfortunate situation, which could be resolved if she believed that and would cooperate. Hopefully, time will dissipate a lot of anger.
"Also after we permanently divorce and move on, will she ever realize all the hurt she caused me ever?"
If she matures, and learns more about these type os sexual issues......and learn more about men........then, I believe she will understand the pain she inflicted. I can't remember your ages, but she sounds like a young lady who thought M would be all rose pedals & wine...........and not being able to have intercourse was not the romantic picture she had invisioned. She did not have the sex Ed to know how to deal with certain real life issues in the bedroom. She blamed herself, and she blamed you. Neither are to be blamed, but she has to learn. Time and maturity have a natural way of teaching us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
