Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Took D3 for the day go for a hike and picnic. Get home and W is there packing. Got email saying we are approved for rental $1325 applied as if I will be spending some time there as we figure things out and W starts working. Which may be the case. I can not stand the thought of her and OM at place I am paying for. If divorce I guess that happen anyway. Asked L to meet. She has not wanted to work on our M since last June when she left. Had one foot and almost two out the door when we did counseling 8-9 months ago.

Advice? Sandi? Honor my word be strong get the rental. I guess that is what I have to do. And as a man I suppose that is what I will do.

Or agree to divorce and start the alimony clock. Give up on her.

Thanks. Feeling pretty low I guess I just need to give with no expectation of anything in return and continue to detach and GAl and do 180s

Thanks

[sandi2]

She is sick of me pressuring her she gets crazy anxiety. Even from me standing close to her... makes me feel like its a lost cause and Im just wasting time money stress health.

I could not bear to be in the same room with my H. I couldn't stand to share the air with him. I couldn't take it if he tried to stand near me or watch me. Any of the things you just took for granted in a relationship, has to stop. Hanging around her or just being over at her parents' house will add a lot of anxiety.

She doesnt see anything I do for her as positive except give her alone time. When I leave her alone she invites me over for breakfast or acts nice but still has anxiety.

For one thing, you have spoiled her rotten! Spoiled people are useless, and they don't know how to appreciate the one who spoils them. I will tell any man that he ruins a woman and leaves her practically incapacitated when he does EVERYTHING so she doesn't have to lift her little finger. She becomes so self entitled, it's very hard to live with her. So........you are getting nowhere by spoiling her while separated. Do you hear what I am saying?

You do all the packing, or whatever needs done.....b/c it causes her anxiety. You work, and she doesn't. You keep D 60% or more of the time. You are paying for her rental so she doesn't have to stay with her parent (although she has told you she cares for OM). If you can afford it, and you've told her that's what you'd do......fine. But do you see how you try to do these things to help her......or maybe you hope to persuade her......or score a few brownie points? If this is a pattern of yours in the relationship history, don't you think it needs to change? I'm not saying you should never help your spouse in the MR or do loving things for them. I am saying not to cater and constantly accommodate them to the place you are spoiling, b/c they lose their sensitivity of appreciation.

I guess I need to try to just be the nice neighbor guy when we are around each other

Sometimes, even the neighbor is too much. You may need to be more like the checkout clerk and customer at the store. Speak politely, conduct business, smile, and leave.

Posting here. Not sure what else to do but trying my best.

We'll think of something.

She doesnt believe me about a great life and family. I was so worried about money and watched a lot of sports my priorities have shifted greatly. I just want quality of life and experiences with W and D3. Things W always wanted Im like damn she was right. I just couldnt hear her. And it seems listening is still an issue as you said.

It's sad it took this to open your eyes. However, her eyes are closed to you and what you try to tell her at the moment. After she's lived on her own for a while (if she ever does), maybe things will change.

I did tell her I would pay for her rental so she could get out of her parents and heal. Honestly Im lucky to be able to make good money doing something I love. So the money doesnt matter that much to me. If we have a chance to R and paying for her rental helps. Id do it no problem. Ive told her she is worth more than any money to me.

Okay, but for gosh sakes, stop telling her stuff like she's worth more than any money to you. That turns her off like you could not believe! This is not the same girl you M, and she doesn't have those feelings for you. When a woman doesn't feel in love with a man......it hinges on creepiness to hear him say things like this. Sorry, if that hurts your feelings, but you need to know that saying those things are not going to win her heart. You have got to stop talking & behaving as if she's still your loving W.

It's a lot like slow dancing. When your body steps forward......what does she do? She steps back. When your body steps back, it "draws" her toward you.

((hugs))

[Did]

Sandi you could do this for a business have you ever thought of that? Thanks for your time, again.

It's good to hear that you had these feelings but then things changed I guess you are back with your H?

So less time together... that is probably a mistake I made before DB I was trying this save the marriage system and it said accept all invites for family time but leave first, don't pressure just be nice and cool, calm, confident etc. So no more breakfasts whether she offers to make pancakes or not etc. How do I know if I should ever spend time? Will I see some shift if things start going well?

So there has been a big role reversal. She spoiled me rotten for years then I grew accustomed to it and took her for granted. Now I have been too nice and it pushes her further away.

She has been doing all the packing. She takes care of our daughter 60-70% of the time since I work. So maybe a miscommunication in my previous posts there.

Yes I hear you I can not spoil her. I have been giving her fam time when she wants it but not getting anything I want. So I have been taking D3 and doing our own thing and if she misses us she can come to me.

Yes I agreed to pay for her rental. Now that time has come it feels like crap but I will be a man of my word and I will pay for the rental. Hopefully by next spring (when I work in the area of her rental things are better and maybe we are spending time there? Seems like wishful thinking). For her to get the place I am on the application and I will be on the lease... makes me very nervous and hoping to talk to L before it is set in stone. W has never really had anyone she can count on. She wants a strong man to be the rock she can lean on so thats what I was trying to provide. But I am seeing thats the wrong direction. Just DB and detach. How will I see if I should change anything?

So this is how I was this morning and we had a laugh and smile together when we both said have a nice day as she was leaving.

" Sometimes, even the neighbor is too much. You may need to be more like the checkout clerk and customer at the store. Speak politely, conduct business, smile, and leave. "

Small things but at least no arguments. We are supposed to talk about the rental later....

I have a sexual humor and used to use that so if making nice comments like your worth more than any money Im sure joking about sex made her very creeped out. Example I told her I wasnt sure I wanted the couch because we used to have sex there a lot and she looked like she was about to have an an anxiety attack.

This is great advice- It's a lot like slow dancing. When your body steps forward......what does she do? She steps back. When your body steps back, it "draws" her toward you.

I've jumped back and pulled away completely. Are there any signs I should look for? I guess if she tells me she has stopped talking with OM? Or if she asks to spend time together just the 2 of us... she invited me for breakfast the other day for fam time... but not sure if I should even accept those invites?

Thanks again, very much!

[AnotherStander]

Did, Sandi really knows her stuff. Try to really read and understand her comments about what your W is thinking, because you've got to quit looking at her as your "same old wife buried in there somewhere" and realize that she has changed into someone completely different than the person you knew. The reward system you had in place before means NOTHING to her now.

I understand you feel obligated to pay her rent since you promised her, but there's no reason for you to support her swinging-single lifestyle indefinitely. And make no mistake about it, that's EXACTLY what she has in mind. Here is my suggestion on paying her rent- give her a deadline after which you are cutting her off. 3 months or 6 months maybe. Put her on notice that you're not a doormat.

[Did]

I know Sandi is like the guru on here and I am honored to get the insight.

So w told me the other day that she knows it hurts she cares about OM. I think this was a big slip. She told me they have not seen each other in months because of his work schedule he trains new police officers and she said he wants to date her when his work schedule opens up. I said what are you going to wait around for him I thought your self worth was higher than that. She always is on her phone and hiding her phone. She tells me she thinks her phone is a trigger for me. I think she is projecting and she is worried about her phone. Saw sexting and naked pics on there months ago with rebound guy.

She has been going out once or twice a week for lunch or dinner. I was naive and thought she was with two girls who she says she has been close with the last couple months. She says maybe I will do something with girl number 1 for her birthday when I mentioned I may be off that weekend. We hadnt talked about how she needed girl friends but she has never been close with girls. Thinking about it more and having a growing sense of anxiety bordering on dread. Yea I know I need to detach. But I may just pull the plug. She has been seeing OM and lying I am almost sure of it.

We usually go to the ymca where our daughter goes to school in the mornings so tomorrow I am going to call her out. If it for goes badly I will give her three months and go black. Will not sign a lease for her. Maybe give her some money and get the f out of here. Then divorce. She was a great woman i am very attracted to her. She was amazing to me but that is all past tense. She has never cared about me since with actions. She has issues from her childhood. She has an autistic brother she will have to care for. Her mom hasnt multiple personalities and debt. W has never been able to forgive she has never been able to give second chances. She has said what makes you deserve a second chance. And she really has nothing but her looks and our daughter without me. She is smart and used to be a deep, good person but she is damaged and I can not trust her. I have tried for almost a year. Advice appreciated. I am not going to be manipulated and lied to.

One thing I learned from her and this situation. There are consequences for your actions. I will tell her prove you have not been lying and mainpulating me she actually said she could be doing this a month ago if she was a bad person. if you want me to sign for your rental show me your conversations with your girlfriends. Prove you are not lying and manipulating. Otherwise we see the L next week. But sign a lease for a liar who left me. I do not think I can do it. If it goes the way I expect I will probably say do not come in my house. Do not help with packing etc.

Man this [censored].

[Did]

Need to stop hanging on her every word and detach. Trust half of what she does and none of what she says. I do not even know if it is worth waiting and doing all this. Losing hope. She just wants money and financial support and stability because she is scared. Highly doubtful I am going to sign a lease with her if she is blatantly lying to me. No trust or respect. A couple weeks ago she asked for a truce and said she wanted to trust each other and not fight. Maybe my imagination is running away with me.

[Did]

I guess it does not matter if she is with OM or not... I should not let that affect how I treat her? It is more the lying manipulating and projecting.

[Did]

Wrote a separation agreement and going to confront W today.
Paying $2300 per month for three months then will reassses.
Wrote notes for conversation.
I know she has been seeing OM and lying.
Too many signs and trusting my instincts, taking a stand.
No more spoiling or being a doormat.
And no more lying for her and causing her own anxiety then blaming it on me.
Same as she did before she left she made her decision in winter then left in summer.
Repressed emotion caused her to be physically sick during that time and she blamed me.
If she will not agree to my stipulations - giving me all cc and using no shared funds, meeting every 7-10 days to discuss D3 and future, continuing to be flexible with my work schedule as we strive for 50/50 custody. I will also pay D3 activity expenses.
If she wont agree she can get her place on her own and we can divorce if that is her choice. I think I am being more than fair although I doubt she feels the same way. Not much sleep last night a few hours. Got emotional reading what I wrote the first time just now... Wish me luck.

[Davide]

Did,

The only difference that I know of between an OM in the picture or not is that you should never validate anything to do with the OM or her disrespectful actions. Otherwise just keep detaching, GALing, and striving to be the lighthouse.

[Did]

How do I not validate it? Talking to her shortly. She is choosing him and not me. I dont say its ok but she doesnt care what I say about it. Its more about her lying and deceiving me.