I'm gonna type this out while it's fresh. WW woke me up at 11 PM and kept tickling me, then after several minutes got more physical, slapping my head and hitting me with the pillow. She wanted me to get out of the bed. Said I was playing a game and that I should be doing what she wants bc I created this marital mess. I told her it's not a game at all. She's saying that someone told me to do this. I told her several times that it's late and I need to go back to bed. Obviously she didn't care to keep crossing that boundary. She cried several times. Then we talked a little more.
Then I told her I need to go back to bed. She leaves the room the comes back in to get in another word bc she's mad about sleeping in the other bedroom. So I finally say the word affair, and she's offended, says she didn't do anything wrong. I told her she was lying to herself and that she wouldn't be hiding her car and trying to get me to coerce me and a friend into not saying anything about it.
She denies this, of course, and I told her she was being like my dad (who is a horrible person). She got mad when I told her she was being like my dad when she told me i have to answer her calls bc it's her family plan. She told me I was being controlling and selfish about the bed. She doesn't like the word affair at all and Backdoor admitted to it. At the end of the 2 hour convo she wants to know who all I have told about her affair. I tell her I don't feel comfortable telling her bc I don't trust her right now. She says that I'm playing a game by saying that, and that she's been open with me and telling me things. I tell her she's not being honest with me, (she didn't admit to the money she's hiding). I say there's still secrets and she assumed I meant the affair so I reminded her that's not what I'm talking about. She didn't tell me anything new, so I didn't know what she meant.
She cried several times and blamed me for everything, she brought me emailing and texting an ex 6 years ago again, I think to justify her actions. She accused me again of trying to "take everything". She told me that her mom told her sister that her mom thinks WW is very depressed. WW also accused me of recording her, which I wasn't. I think I need to draw the line on the physical contact and conversation times.
She also stated that she can't D right now bc of the house and car situation plus she has no paper income and no where to go.
Crazy night.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Steve, I wanted to say thanks for the response. I'd been missing your input for a little bit, I feel like I owe you a beer!
When/how should I remind she can return to the MBR, just when she brings it up?
No history of mental issues, sex assault a couple years before we got together and I think she tried repress/run from it. Don't think she ever got through it. Her note from a year ago confirmed she wasn't over it.
On Friday and Saturday, when she was sad, she was trying to rally me to her cause against her mom. Last night, she tells me the bad things her mom said about me. I think she just keeps trying and trying to get everyone on her side (when it's convenient). For example, she tried to get her mom on her side in regards to the MBR.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, only when she brings it up. You do not want to be initiating any MR related discussions. When she does validate her feelings, but be very careful giving too much information. You want her interested and curious. That is your play here, to get her interested (through attractiveness) and curious (through mystery).
The sexual assault is HUGE and really explains a lot of her behavior. I would highly suggest that if and when the time comes where is ready to come back to the MR you make IC and MC a stipulation. Otherwise you could end up right back where you are in short order.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, only when she brings it up. You do not want to be initiating any MR related discussions. When she does validate her feelings, but be very careful giving too much information. You want her interested and curious. That is your play here, to get her interested (through attractiveness) and curious (through mystery).
The sexual assault is HUGE and really explains a lot of her behavior. I would highly suggest that if and when the time comes where is ready to come back to the MR you make IC and MC a stipulation. Otherwise you could end up right back where you are in short order.
How do you think the assault plays into things?
Just remembered a gem from last night, WW says "even if you would have changed a year ago, it wouldn't have mattered". We haven't even been married 2 years crazy lady!
She also says that she knows how I feel in regards to my pain over her affair, because of what I did to her. This is just her way to justify and minimize her actions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, only when she brings it up. You do not want to be initiating any MR related discussions. When she does validate her feelings, but be very careful giving too much information. You want her interested and curious. That is your play here, to get her interested (through attractiveness) and curious (through mystery).
The sexual assault is HUGE and really explains a lot of her behavior. I would highly suggest that if and when the time comes where is ready to come back to the MR you make IC and MC a stipulation. Otherwise you could end up right back where you are in short order.
How do you think the assault plays into things?
Just remembered a gem from last night, WW says "even if you would have changed a year ago, it wouldn't have mattered". We haven't even been married 2 years crazy lady!
She also says that she knows how I feel in regards to my pain over her affair, because of what I did to her. This is just her way to justify and minimize her actions.
Because unresolved sexual assault leave a lot of hang ups about relationships and sex. Until she fully deals with that she will likely NEVER have a healthy relationship with anybody.
On the gem, ignore it. They all say garbage like that. "Even if your changes are real, I still want out." All you can do is change from this point forward, the past is the past. However, due to her unresolved feelings on the SA she might hang on to the past. Those that have been through things like that and haven't dealt properly with it will often have a hard time of letting go of the past misdeeds of others.
Again forget what she says. She will say whatever suits here at the moment. If verbally acknowledging your pain gives her some perceived advantage at the moment then she will probably do it. WWs in particular, and WAWs in general don't really care about your pain. In order to get to BD they've already reconciled in their mind that they have to hurt you. Hurting you is so far from their concern, no matter what they say, that you shouldn't even think about whether she knows you are hurting. She doesn't care. If she did then she wouldn't have slept with someone else and she wouldn't have crushed your soul on BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is it a dumb idea to expose her affair to her friends and family? I'm reading something that says it's the best way to end the affair. But that doesn't guarantee she'll come back to me anyways.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Is it a dumb idea to expose her affair to her friends and family? I'm reading something that says it's the best way to end the affair. But that doesn't guarantee she'll come back to me anyways.
Don't try to mix and match different approaches. Pick one and stick with it. If you are going to stick to DB'ing then do not expose the affair, because that will look to her like you are trying to rally everyone against her and she will resent you for it. I am not sure where some of these other sites come up with this info, I have never heard of a couple successfully reconciling because one of them shamed the other by exposing their A to everyone. Usually it just makes them go deeper undercover with it, and they cling to the OP because they think it's just the two of them against the world. So exposing the affair can actually drive them closer together.
Is it a dumb idea to expose her affair to her friends and family? I'm reading something that says it's the best way to end the affair. But that doesn't guarantee she'll come back to me anyways.
Terrible idea. Think about this. It will be hard enough for her to work on things with you to return to the MR. Imagine if friends and family know about it? Then she has bridges to build with all of them to also return the MR. I am not sure who suggested this, but I am almost positive that in the vast majority of the cases where an A is exposed to friends and family, that the couple involved ends up divorced.
I don't think you want that. There will be a time and place to expose her A to others, but while your goal is R it is not the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Her parents, sister, and some friends already know from back when I was still pursuing in April. I think they are downplaying or she is lying about the extent of it, although I don't know. I haven't spoken to them in weeks.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You have asked questions like that before, about exposing her A. IMO, any many here on this site share the same opinion, you won't be able to shame your W back into the M.
It also looks really weak to go around telling people about your personal life. You are a man. Men don't go around looking to shame their wives, they show her what a real man looks like. You won't others to tell her she's wrong. She knows what she is doing is wrong.
Stay the course, you can't rush the process. Thru the fire, not around, under, or OVR.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
