Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Steve youre definitely right- I need to not hang on to her words and actions. Shes the same way we still affect each other so much. Trying to detach... I am 50 pages in and will read No More Mr Nice Guy more tonight.

Im just not going to say much to her. I asked her to reply to attorney and if she does that is fine with me.

I told her I never asked her to do all the packing. I have offered to have D3 during the day. And I can have her tomorrow.

Off to work. Thanks for the replies.

[SteveLW]

Splitting finances: Is it worth the fight and stress on our R?

I think it's a little late for this question, since you've already talked to her about it. Naturally, she will want all she can get. If you pay child support, she should not expect you to support her after she has left the M. That is crazy!

She literally said I should support her for a year - all of her expenses $3500 per month is the number she came up with when we talked in person. Which is 42k per year and way more than I can afford or would agree to. This is what happened when we tried to talk in person and I tried to accept D even though not what I want. Then I said we'll use an attorney.


Did you tell her you would continue to support her, when you knew she was separating from you?

Yes. If we D would get alimony and child support up to 40% of my income. She has no income and with my work schedule I can not have D3 enough for her to work consistently. Child care would be more expensive than her income.

Have you received this information from an attorney? She is living at her parents now, I highly doubt a judge would award her 40% of your pay. Even if custody is less than 50/50, which is what you should be trying for (and using child care to make that happen).

To be honest, it sounds to me like you have already decided you "owe" this to her and are looking at justifications to do it. Talk to a lawyer. Make her work to get what she wants. You are making Ding you so easy. Heck, I wish I could marry you, leave you, and tell you I need $2300/month from you to make it!

[ovrrnbw]

I told her I would get her a place. If I take back she will think Im an [censored] just like everyone else in her life. Probably pursue D.

She told you she'd always be there for you. She went back on her word first, which is why you are here, right?

I guess whats meant to be will happen. Maybe I should just file. Not what I want but how else can I get respect here.

Why file if that's not what you want? Then you send mixed messages.

Tired of getting walked all over. Thanks all.

Then don't be her H when she is trying to cake eat, get you to pay for everything, give her the family experience with your kid.

[Did]

Cadet dont worry about editing that post I will write from computer later

Well here it is anyways

I called attorney and will meet with her myself. W says shes good with what we talked about yesterday even though she freaked out and called me all kinds of names yesterday. Feel like as sad as it is Im moving closer to divorce and giving up on her. Well see what the attorney says.

W has an older brother with autism. Says he needs a job. I could probably find work for him. After arguing w me again today when texts me about that. Maybe I say ask OM. Joking but she acts like were cool and Im supposed to be so kind and caring etc. Ive said things like its your choice not to work on our M and shes loses it. Maybe I just wont respond or say sorry.

Coaching a state playoff game for my Hs program. Ill be back tonight. THanks all.

[AnotherStander]

i have been reading no more me nice guy. I was the nice guy in many ways. I have been way too accommodating inviting for coffee breakfast etc.

You must not have read very far. The point of the book isn't that nice guys are "too nice", it is that a "nice guy" as the term is used in the book is actually a guy that behaves in very passive/ aggressive ways that destroy relationships over time. "Nice guys" only look nice on the outside. Out of the public eye they are controlling, manipulative and selfish.

Sometimes you'll see someone here say you can't "nice them back" which is quite true, but it's equally true that you can't "angry them back". You should strive for a "friendly neighbor" attitude. Read Sandi's rules, the point is to detach and give her time and space but to do it in a loving, understanding manner.

We have been getting along Ive stopped pursuing embracing DB but its hard as F.

Yes it is very hard because it's counter-intuitive. But it's your best chance of saving the M.

She asks me what I did last night I should just say hung out w friends? And repeat that answer? She has no need to no unless she is interested in our R / M?

If she asks then tell her. Don't offer many details unless she asks for specifics. So for example, if you went to a restaurant with two men and 1 woman and she asks what you did, say "went to dinner with some friends". If she asks who was there then tell her. "Bill and Ted, I think you know them. And Julie, I don't think you know her, she's a friend of Ted's." Do you see where I'm going with this? You're creating MYSTERY but you're not lying to her.

Looking for advice on how to communicate and reconnect while also not being too nice and dont want to be a jerk.

When in doubt, read Sandi's rules again. That's your playbook. And forget about trying to "reconnect", right now you're just giving her time and space. Reconnecting will happen on HER timeline, not yours.

[AnotherStander]

Splitting finances: Is it worth the fight and stress on our R?

Do you live in an alimony state? If so then you will have to support her for some length of time since she was a SAHM. She has no income, so the courts will more than likely award her alimony if it's a no-fault alimony state. Keep in mind that courts don't usually factor in whose "fault" it is because it's too difficult to sort out (you say she had an affair, she said it's because you were emotionally absent in the M, etc. etc. it never ends). You said you have a L, so talk to your L about the 2300/mo and find out if that's more or less than the court might order. If it's less than I would say go ahead and pay it. Your W might not push for D if she doesn't need to, but if you're not giving her ANY support then she will probably push it through for financial reasons and then not only will you be D'd but also paying more.

[Did]

AnotherStander thanks for the informed opinion. Yes I live in an alimony state- PA and no fault / no contest divorce are options. Basically she can get the divorce if she wants it no matter what I do. So I know I will have to support her if we D for at least 1.5 years.

The L I was going to use for mediation when I had been focused on accepting MR was over we just kept fighting. Then after I accepted it we got along for a couple weeks... of course. I will probably do a consultation with her so I'm at least more informed. I did talk to another L months ago for free but just got a basic summary in the end I was told she would get half of everything.

Im unsure if I should of pushed splitting finances so hard a few days ago. Im going to slow play it and talk to the attorney first. Again she spends almost no money so Im not sure if paying her 2300/mo or just rent and cc matters much. Trying to get respect / take balls back but I know Im going to have to pay her as much or more anyway. Separation agreement is a think so Im just going to go in and talk to L.

[Did]

Thanks again for the reply AS.
I was unpleasantly surprised how much I related to nice guy in the book. I was starring the things I related to.. lets just say there were a lot of stars. I wasnt a great husband and I have more work to do. Im working on me and 180s. I was much worse for years because I didnt know or wouldnt accept I had any issues and blamed outside factors. Thats the past Im embracing who I am, I do forgive myself and regret a lot. There were some tears shed, sleepless nights and anxiety for sure. I have accepted I was selfish and didnt give enough love or communcation. I neglected my W when she was great to me and had some depression and stress related issues. I did destroy the relationship over time.

Trying to work on all those things... its a lot. I still react to much out of emotion and respond without thinking of the power of my words at times.

Detach be loving friendly neighbor seems like a tall task but Im going to try my best. Im moving at the end of the month so we will be about 30 min away from eachother instead of 10. So that will be better in some ways and worse in others.

Picking up D3 tomorrow for the day so I dont have to visit at W parents anymore. She sent me pictures of D tonight I'll just say thanks for the pictures, appreciate it.

[Did]

Going to stop doing the fam thing. I will take D3 when I have her and not include W. Have read stuff about accepting all offers for fam time but not push for more.

Yes she made vows like every wife and they were heartfelt. She did give me everything. She was physically sick when she left. I think she could of gotten help for anxiety but we should of done counseling together long ago. There were a variety of issues I caused many. And her obsession with D3 and failure to thrive / undiagnosed tongue tie / cosleeping etc. Made our MR which was never as strong as it could of been - my fault - fall apart.

[Did]

Sandi, I appreciate your opinion as a woman and someone who has put a lot of time in on this topic and site plus been on the other side its very valuable to me. Thank you for your time.

She is sick of me pressuring her she gets crazy anxiety. Even from me standing close to her... makes me feel like its a lost cause and Im just wasting time money stress health. She doesnt see anything I do for her as positive except give her alone time. When I leave her alone she invites me over for breakfast or acts nice but still has anxiety. I guess I need to try to just be the nice neighbor guy when we are around each other. Respect her space not act like shes the woman I slept with 1000 times and have a child with. Since as you said she doesnt want to be with me.

I will take D3 and leave. Back off leaver her alone as you say. She loved me so much its hard to believe the switch just flipped as she says but it obviously did. Yes chasing her as I have has just made her wall up and pull away and make her mad. I need to stop doing what doesnt work and start doing what does.

Fixing my personality - Im on it. Reading a lot. Posting here. Not sure what else to do but trying my best.

She doesnt believe me about a great life and family. I was so worried about money and watched a lot of sports my priorities have shifted greatly. I just want quality of life and experiences with W and D3. Things W always wanted Im like damn she was right. I just couldnt hear her. And it seems listening is still an issue as you said.

I did tell her I would pay for her rental so she could get out of her parents and heal. Honestly Im lucky to be able to make good money doing something I love. So the money doesnt matter that much to me. If we have a chance to R and paying for her rental helps. Id do it no problem. Ive told her she is worth more than any money to me.

She doesnt want a present so I wont get her one that would be a 180 change thats for sure.

Thanks for the advice.