OrangeK, I recall you saying sometime in the past you had some pre-existing anxiety and depression.
I dont recall saying this.
I forget but I also thought there was some depression or anxiety? I thought that is what led to you not recalling denting her car? Anyway, the right IC could help you through all of that, and low self esteem.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Regarding your wife realizing her mistakes and loss - that would be great but more importantly seems to be mitigating the effect of your wife's choices on your son. His life is just beginning. It's important for you to maintain a secure bond with him. If you're feeling this upset, imagine how it must feel for him to be so alone and unable to control anything at all in his life. Your son can't even express his feelings yet but surely he's smart and knows he's being shuffled around and can sense the tension and instability. If I were you, I'd do anything possible to cherish him, build his self esteem, and make him feel loved in every way.
He just spent 4 days with my parents doing nothing but playing with tractors and having fun in the sun. I cant wait to see him today. <3
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OrangeK, I recall you saying sometime in the past you had some pre-existing anxiety and depression.
I dont recall saying this.
I forget but I also thought there was some depression or anxiety? I thought that is what led to you not recalling denting her car? Anyway, the right IC could help you through all of that, and low self esteem.
I dented her care because of the crap meds the first IC put me on. Which is why i switched to a different one. If i had to identify any pre-existing situation for myself, it would be anger issues. Door slamming, wall punching, type of stuff, which is an issue WW and I discussed in the past. The thing is that those anger issues didnt really become an issue until she was antagonizing me and stonewalling me into anger during 2017. Prior to that we really didnt ever fight about anything. She had periods of being sullen and down but i chalked that up to the several stressful circumstances we had gone through.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
O - Are the anger issues the one thing you would like to change about yourself? Most of us come here needing to make some sort of changes in ourselves either to grow as an individual/mature or to help improve our self-esteem.
If you had to self-analyze yourself why do you think you can't get passed what happened and start to move on? Do you think you can identify it?
O - Are the anger issues the one thing you would like to change about yourself? Most of us come here needing to make some sort of changes in ourselves either to grow as an individual/mature or to help improve our self-esteem.
Joseph - The anger thing isnt really an issue now that she hasnt been around. It has allowed me to realize that she deliberately antagonized me or ignored me to prompt angry responses from me so she would have reasons to justify her crap behavior and choices. She seemingly pre-planned her "Reasons" for leaving, and manufactured them so that she could explain her reasoning for what she did to her friends and family. Since NC i havent had an episode of anger like that.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
If you had to self-analyze yourself why do you think you can't get passed what happened and start to move on? Do you think you can identify it?
Yes, its the lack of closure (Which i know now im never going to get), the lack of answers, and the total blindside I was hit with. I was still in full blown honeymoon-land when she had already decided to start searching for OM. I was so invested in grown old together and planning our life, all the while she was already planning her exit. It was the fact that I had no idea why any of this happened, why she turned on me so abruptly and in such a harmful way. She never let me fall out of love, if it had been a slow decline i could have seen it coming. I still see her in her wedding dress smiling like The Summer Sun when I close my eyes. The Illusion of who I loved isnt dead in the deep parts of my soul. That is why i cannot move on.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Then you just need to give yourself time and that timetable is different for everyone. I would also suggest that you look deep inside yourself and self-reflect on what your opportunities are for self-improvement. We all have them.
It took me about 3 to 6 months before I started feeling better emotionally after BD and my EW moved out.
Then you just need to give yourself time and that timetable is different for everyone. I would also suggest that you look deep inside yourself and self-reflect on what your opportunities are for self-improvement. We all have them.
It took me about 3 to 6 months before I started feeling better emotionally after BD and my EW moved out.
Its been 8 months since BD an WW leaving. Nowhere near normal feeling. I feel like i am FUBAR.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I know it will happen eventually. it just feels rediculuos to still be where i am at 8 months later, and over a year of the affair with OM. It makes me feel like a blind idiot for not seeing the signs earlier! i was cucked for over 7 months.....
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Everyone is different, I would not beat yourself up. Everyone here can ask you questions, tell you to do this or to do that, offer up suggestions on how to move forward but obviously it is up to you to implement.
It seems as though your stuck and can't move forward. When I was emotionally in that position I started thinking about all the good things I had going on for me in my life outside of my MR, I took a trip to see my best friends, I doubled up on my efforts in the gym, with my kids, changed up my diet, bought a bunch of new clothes, got some new cologne, did a bunch of work to the outside of the house, started connecting more with new friends and old, started taking my D's to church every Sunday, volunteered to coach their sports teams, started talking to more people in general. I read books, listened to podcasts, videos, articles, spent hours on this board reading through sitch's from 10 to 15 years ago just to help me process and give me strength. I could go on but at some point in time you have to say enough is enough and start taking baby steps to move forward.
When I started doing these things each day got a little easier, a little better, I could sleep, I could eat and with time I started to dwell less and less on my EW and over what happened and I realized she was a fricken moron.
You can still love your W......I still love my EW and there is a part of me that always will. I will be rooting for her from the sidelines and if $hit hits the fan for her I will always be there for her as the mother of my children. With that said though life has to go on and I have to keep moving forward. She is not sitting idle and I can't either. If our path's cross again in the future then I will deal with it at that time wherever I am in life.
I was married for 14 years and have 2 beautiful little girls and a great job, a great house in a great community.......to this day I have no clue why my W did what she did.
If you need some closure, I can give it to you.... you may not like what I have to say, though. Hindsight vision is 20/20, and I am objective, but I can tell you what happened and why this happened. Be ready......
You don't know someone in 6 months time. How you described her through your R was every red flag in the world. You did not have some great perfect relationship and you have no clue why this happened. You moved in with an dhad a baby with a woman you didn't know, she hid the pregnancy, she cheated on you immediately within being married, had a TRO......
You wanted to believe this could be soulmates, true love..... but the truth of the matter is, you need to know someone to have a healthy R. There were no signs of health from what you described. You had a fantasy of how you wanted her to be, she was all talk, but she never at all walked the walk.
This is a logical and I believe pretty accurate explanation. I don't know what more closure or explanation you need. If you need it to come out of her mouth it never will. But her actions were pretty clear.
I would really take this whole experience as a huge life lesson. Find your worth within yourself, pay attention to people's actions, not words. Don't jump into anything, because if it is real, and solid, it won't have to be rushed.
I am sure you loved her. But she isn't well at all. And you have some work to do with your self esteem. All we can do is learn.
