Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Thanks MTB it really helps to have support here. I have made so many mistakes and Im actually really successful in life besides my MR. Not used to screwing up so much. Never learned much about emotional intelligence or relationships until this year. I definitely have backtracked many times like yesterday. Almost every time she comes back to me I screw it up by being too much. I could of had her back 6 months ago if I just chilled out. But my personality of fix it/ make things better / solve the problem impatience won out. Friends / Fam just say move on you're better than her. Even her own mom told me that. But I know if we heal we could have a great life together and our family. Seems like some fantasy with how far apart we are now that Well never get there. She has OM for emotional relationship they text all the time and Im stuck with financial and daughter.

Ideas or questions:

Start picking up my daughter for play dates instead of hanging at her parents where its fake fam time and I have urges to push W. Or act calm and cool and keep my mouth shut and prove I can do the fam thing? She likes hanging when Im chill and dont talk about anything...

Splitting finances: Is it worth the fight and stress on our R? She spends almost 0 money. Im going to pay for her to get a rental... can give her $1000 spending money plus pay for rental (still less than D settlement would be). Or I can pay for rental and let her keep our CC? I cant cut her off she said yesterday: I will never respect you as an indian giver manipulate Fing Ahole like every other toxic relationship in my life (meaning her mom and dad). All because of miscommuncation about splitting finances she thought I was taking away when I was offering $2300 per month. Or divorce. What a mess.

June 12 is her birthday. She said she doesnt want anything. Just a card from daughter... get respect back instead of giving gifts to W who left me? I was thinking a wall art spread your wings and fly (writing this makes me think Im an idiot) or some plants.. maybe just the plants and keep the emotion out of it plus a card from our daughter? Or nothing at all. Hard to trust myself knowing what I now know.

Thank you

[SteveLW]

Wow, you are still going to support her apart from being in the marital home? NGS to the nth degree. How can she ever face the consequences of her decision if you are still going to support her. ANd forget what she says. She will say whatever she can in order to control you. And it appears to be working.

[mtb1981]

^^^ What Steve said...

I'm not paying for my W to leave me, and it pisses her off. But that's her new reality now. She won't respect you if you're being a doormat. And she can't love you like you want if she doesn't respect you. She's just saying those things to guilt you into paying for her stuff. As far as time with your daughter goes, I would pick her up and leave. Go out and do awesome things with her. Your wife doesn't want a family, just the perks that go with it. Don't let her be a cake eater...

[Did]

I told her I would get her a place. She has parents who push her and control her (rich dad offers trailers in his trailer park or houses near him not where we live, mom wont rent her an apt in her multiunit investment property I helped them get). They wont help her get a place and not sure they will even cosign for her. Therapist recommended get her a rental months ago when we were in counseling.

If I take back she will think Im an [censored] just like everyone else in her life. Probably pursue D. I guess whats meant to be will happen. Maybe I should just file. Not what I want but how else can I get respect here.

Not sure what the other options are. She has been at her parents for a year.

As Im typing this attorney emailed me. I guess a separation agreement is the winning option? Tired of getting walked all over. Thanks all.

Thank you for your email, I am happy to help you with this process. We can discuss whether a Separation Agreement would work for your situation and we can also cover any other topics that are important to you. If you would like to meet together in my office for a consultation, please offer a day and time that would work for you both!

[Did]

Thanks Steve youre probably right. On the control. She calls me manipulative etc and I think she subconsciously projects. More and more Im thinking I may be better off without her. I texted her reply to the attorney and let her know when you can meet.

[sandi2]

She sounds as if she is sick to death of you pressuring her. Almost everything from you will feel like emotional pressure to her. You must stop trying to fix the MR.....b/c she resents it highly. Understand? The more you try to fix the M, the more you press her emotionally.....and that causes her to resist more. So, back off and leave her alone. I don't understand men who chases after a woman who does not love him! Why does he think that will change her mind? It only makes her mad.

But my personality of fix it/ make things better / solve the problem impatience won out.

So fix your personality!

But I know if we heal we could have a great life together and our family.

Why should she believe you? She was unhappy with you. You were unhappy, too. If she is in love with this OM, then she won't be interested in a relationship with you. If things don't work out with him.......then, maybe with enough time you will have another shot. It isn't going to happen if you don't leave her alone.

Start picking up my daughter for play dates instead of hanging at her parents where its fake fam time and I have urges to push W. Or act calm and cool and keep my mouth shut and prove I can do the fam thing? She likes hanging when Im chill and dont talk about anything...

Pick your D up, and leave. Do not hang out at her parents' house! That is so uncool. Yes, act calm and cool. No, don't play happy family with your W. She doesn't want to be a family with you! It doesn't matter if she likes you better when you are chilled. She left you and the M.........so stop hanging around, and stop playing as if you are one happy family. Pick up your D and leave.

Splitting finances: Is it worth the fight and stress on our R?

I think it's a little late for this question, since you've already talked to her about it. Naturally, she will want all she can get. If you pay child support, she should not expect you to support her after she has left the M. That is crazy!

I cant cut her off she said yesterday: I will never respect you as an indian giver manipulate Fing Ahole like every other toxic relationship in my life

Did you tell her you would continue to support her, when you knew she was separating from you?

All because of miscommuncation about splitting finances she thought I was taking away when I was offering $2300 per month. Or divorce. What a mess.

How could you miscommunicate, "You will get $2300 a month"?

June 12 is her birthday. She said she doesnt want anything. Just a card from daughter... get respect back instead of giving gifts to W who left me? I was thinking a wall art spread your wings and fly (writing this makes me think Im an idiot) or some plants

OMG! Look, you have to stop treating her like you are still together. Although she is still legally your W.......she doesn't want the M, and she doesn't want you. She doesn't want a present from you. So, why would you get her something when she has made it very plain that she doesn't want anything? To me, it looks as if you are not listening to her, just like you didn't listen when she was in the MR.

Is she saying she just wants a card from her D.......or is this you suggesting you get a card from D to her? (It's really difficult to interpret some places in your postings, but maybe that's just me). My suggestion is to let D3 make a card for her mother. But you don't get your W a plant or anything. She has another man, for crying out loud.

[Did]

Issue at hand now is separating finances. Currently she has all cc and joint access to bank account. I want to separate all that and have her on her own accounts. She can grow up and learn how to write a check. Im trying to get respect back.

There is a separation agreement in PA which I mentioned in previous post from attorney. She seems scared of going to lawyer but I feel this protects me since I have everything to lose? She wants to now agree to the $2300 per month that she fought over yesterday. I feel like we need something in writing and attorney protects me. But also feels close to D if things go that way in the meeting. Should I do it anyway and not be scared of the D? Just say I dont want D want separation agreement at the meeting. W is very smart and manipulative without necessarily intending to be, would strongly deny it.

In PA Legal Separation vs. Divorce. A legal separation, is a court order that mandates the rights and duties of a couple while they are still married, but living apart; in a divorce, the spouses are no longer married.

Sandi youre right. Harsh but thats reality and very true. I need to continue to work on myself and listening. I am working on me but Im not a finished product by any means. She says she hasnt seen OM in months and they have no time. That doesnt matter she told me she knows it hurts that she cares about someone else. I wont get her anything I need to listen to her. She doesnt want the M or me at this point. I need to accept it. I will stop pursuing and pressuring completely.

Im good with blunt and harsh. Thank you

[Did]

She says: We have the agreement from before ($2300 per month). We can do whatever you say. I dont wanna fight.

Then goes on to say I take care of D3 all the time (which is more like 60-70 percent, I work she doesnt and have offered her breaks during the day but I work at night a lot).

Do all the packing (never asked her to do this but I would do it differently than her- she has all this anxiety about everything. Starting packing kitchen stuff and D3 books / toys... Im living here another month. Had to ask her to stop and not leave the place a mess after packing. Like it never even crossed her mind??)
And study when Im overtired (for her test to start business).

Says: Dont act like Im not helpful and supportive.

I want to respond: I appreciate your help. I can do the packing or at least my share and I take care of D3 as much as I can. I also have offered to have D3 during the days, and offered again for that tomorrow. I will pick her up tomorrow around 10am or you can drop her off earlier if you'd like.

I want the settlement agreement to protect myself so it is in writing with the attorney.

Continued advice is appreciated... trying to limit my mistakes. Thank you

[SteveLW]

Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

You really need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. And you need to stop hanging on her every word and action.

[Did]

Splitting finances: Is it worth the fight and stress on our R?

I think it's a little late for this question, since you've already talked to her about it. Naturally, she will want all she can get. If you pay child support, she should not expect you to support her after she has left the M. That is crazy!

She literally said I should support her for a year - all of her expenses $3500 per month is the number she came up with when we talked in person. Which is 42k per year and way more than I can afford or would agree to. This is what happened when we tried to talk in person and I tried to accept D even though not what I want. Then I said we'll use an attorney.


Did you tell her you would continue to support her, when you knew she was separating from you?

Yes. If we D would get alimony and child support up to 40% of my income. She has no income and with my work schedule I can not have D3 enough for her to work consistently. Child care would be more expensive than her income.