Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[Did]

Separate finances and let her go off on her own. Ok but how? She stopped working to raise our daughter and has no income. She is starting to get her soil science business going which is what her degree is in.

Just give her a check for a lump some and say here give me all the cc. Or monthly 2k or whatever. All she has is ours.

I want to fair and not a jerk. I was a selfish bad husband and have done 180s for sure. she gave everything in the M and at this point she has nothing to give me and just gets anxious when Im close to her. I want to get her respect back and she needs to heal on her own.

I think I give her 2-3k and say go get a cc. We get 45k from our house sale end of June. She Says she gave 5 years of her life and supported me building a successful business which is true. Money honestly doesnt mean that much to me at this point. I want respect attraction relationship family. Just want to do what is fair and will get wow to respect me. Sorry for typos out of pocket here.

Thank you

[Did]

I am going to contact my attorney to try to figure out what I should do in regard to separate finances. She stopped working to raise our daughter 2-3 years ago. Everything she has financially is ours. So Im not sure what should be done to split everything. I want to do whats best for me and whats best for our chance to reconcile.

- Monthly pay, heres a check give me the ccs and debit cards...

- Lump some I cant really afford that much right now. We are each getting 45k profit from our house sale at the end of june. We got this big expensive house 1.5 years ago, objects dont buy happiness. Thats for sure. She has said she gave me 8 years where she helped renovate rentals, flip houses, supported me as I built a successful business etc. Which is true she is or was a hard worker and good wife. A good portion of the profit on my end is going to a down payment on my new place. She is applying for rentals and I have applied with her saying I may be there part time which is wishful thinking on my part I guess.

This morning she invited me and our daughter over pancakes. I accepted. Should I avoid situations like this or accept invitations for family time? I should not have said anything about the relationship. I didnt say too much but did talk at the end, as she was discussing furniture plans and looking at couches. I asked what she wanted to do in regard to us as we have been getting along. She said I dont know but we have to do something. Whatever the hell that means. She said shes strong enough to talk today. Her strength lasted about two minutes. She is broken at least aroudn me and gets anxious, hides depression, really bad anxiety related to me and our relationship.

Just talking about it makes me want to give up. Has anyone ever seen R when things have gotten to this point. Its been a year and both of us have had relationships with OP. She still texts with one guy she says they dont see eachother because neither of them have time. But it doesnt even matter at this point unless she decides to pursue us. It hurts anyway but who cares. She has said working on us is not an option for her she doesnt want to do anything like get dinner and drinks or even coffee or a walk but she wants to do those things with others or by herself.

No reason to talk to her about it anymore. Ill figure out how to separate finances, continue reading DB, DR, Mr Nice Guy. 180s GAL, be the guy shed be a fool to leave. Focus on detaching. Thanks for the support. Everything in my life is great except this and it overwhelms everything. Have to focus on everything else.

[Cadet]

First of all STOP using contractions with the apostrophe and your posts will stop disappearing.

Read the disappearing posts thread.

REPEAT

[sandi2]

Can you explain why or how the first breakup came? When did the OM come into the picture?

Had there ever been any inappropriate behavior between her and other guys? What about you and other women? I don't mean after the separation, but during your M history.

[Did]

Sorry Cadet. My phone does them automatically. I will stop.

Sandi so glad to hear from you. I just tried to tell my W we were separating finances. Trying to get my balls back. Get attraction and respect back is what I really want. No matter what I do except barely contact and act like a nice guy friend things hit the fan. She blew up thinks Im trying to control her when Im really trying to not have her relying on me and let her feel what its like to be on her own. Should of done this sooner now we are a year in. Offered her 2300 per month since I had promised to help her get a rental. She stopped working to raise our daughter. And didnt make that much money, she supported me in my business and flipping houses etc. She acts like thats not enough and resorts to threatening divorce. I said Im not scared of divorce and she can make that happen if she wants. She is very smart and always used to win arguments between us. I would back down to keep the peace. I cant do that anymore.

June 2017 she asked for space. I gave her everything but space. ILYBNILWY as I made all the mistakes anger, cried, letters, became best friends with a guy who owned an animal sanctuary she loved so she could be there all the time... (WTF). 2-3 months she saw on my phone a 23 year old girl messaging me- before I had been with any OW. She says I took the first swing but I think she was with OM first. OM REBOUND guy her Ex from HS who she blocked when we first started dating. He was a loser but I know she was doing all types of sexual things with him. I had such bad anxiety and was jealous. Naked pictures of her full frontal sexting. I spied it was really bad. Things got as serious as possible with him then she left him and came back to me. Was humbled and acted like she wanted us back. But it lasted a week max then she had really bad anxiety again.

Never anything inappropriate in the marriage. I moved out of the bedroom she offered me to sleep in guest room when our daughter was young (cosleeping) so I could sleep. I had issues with mental health and seasonal depression. Ive done a lot of therapy and made solid 180s. I think I fall into the nice guy category at times and did a lot of the things in no more mr nice guy book.

OM she dated next was a better person but unavailable. Works a lot and has a 12 year old daughter, hes 8 years older than us. She initially said he was a lot like me but had been through this and was more mature.

She had told me she was falling out of love with me January 2016 before but I didnt take her seriously. She made up her mind to leave that winter. I made a lot of mistakes in the marriage and prioritized building a business and playing pro lacrosse over the M. My W has a lot of issues and they only show up when we get into it. She holds it together well. I tried to help her but now just trying to pull away and be separate continue my GAL and 180s. I see a spritual healer as a mentor and am pursuing a future career along with running a business and being a great dad.

Thank you so much I really need someone to talk to other than her about my situation.

[Did]

Sent this to an attorney we were going to use for mediation, copied W:

I hope all is well. Kelly and I were married for 5 years and have been separated almost a year. I am wondering if you can help with separating our finances. There are a lot of emotions at play when we talk about splitting money. I don't want to be taken advantage of and we should get something in writing so Kelly feels safe. I hope to reconcile and we have been getting along if we dont talk about relationship, emotional things. I am trying to be patient and focus on things I can control. While I say I want to work towards reconciliation Kelly would likely say different, I made a lot of mistakes in the marriage and both of us have made mistakes since. If she wants the divorce she can get it, I wont stop her. But I hope that we can work things out down the road.

A little background: Kelly stopped working to raise our daughter almost 2 years ago and is hoping to start a business in her field, soil science, she has a good network in the industry. While she gets her business going I have offered her to pay her rent approximately $1300 per month and give her $1000 / mo spending money. I am in the process of purchasing a condo. I also pay life insurance and health insurance and would pay for everything for our almost 4 year old daughter Ariel. I cant afford this long term but figure this may give us some time for her to have her own space and choose her path. We have a good amount of profit we will be splitting when our current home sells June 28th.

Is helping a separated couple separate finances something youve done before? Any advice is appreciated.

[sandi2]

I was just trying to determine if she was a WW or WAW. Her dating history after the separation doesn't really matter. I wanted to know what she was like before she asked for space. What were the dynamics in the MR? Who wore the pants? Who controlled the relationship, and how? Who has the stronger personality? Was she spoiled, have an entitlement attitude, manipulative, etc. Who would usually apologize the quickest in order to have peace/resolution? Would she go out without you and stay out at bars or clubing until very late? Did she like to get a little wild with her girlfriends? Was she into chat rooms, or anything along those lines? What were the fights usually about?

You don't have to answer all those questions. It's just to show you some things that would help give me an overview of her before the split.

How did you recognize yourself in the book about NGS? Can you see how it affected your MR?

[Did]

She is WAW I think. Honestly Im almost ready to give up. It seems like there is no way we will R. She tells me she cares about OM. So if she is telling me that she must really like or love him. He has never made her a priority and doesnt have time for her. She liked me best when I didnt have time for her. I know she has issues from her childhood. It feels like theres nothing I can do. I tried to push splitting finances today and we were fighting via text for hours. I cant stand it. I love her for who she is inside and who she was in the M but she wont show me that side. I miss my daughter terribly every day I dont have her. Maybe I should just file for divorce when we sell our house then maybe she will wake up like hey he really is going to be out of my life. Or maybe I was just meant to learn from my mistakes and move on...

Sandy here are answers... and thank you all for your time and input.

She was a great wife before she left. She gave me everything she had to give and I didnt reciprocate. I did work hard and we had the American Dream big house, beautiful daughter, wife didnt work but we werent happy. I take a lot of blame and have a ton of regret but I am forgiving myself. I didnt know any better at the time.

After we married and had our daughter things changed a bit. Daughter had issues with solid foods and nursed overnight, W was sleep deprived for over a year. We ended up sleeping in separate beds so I could get enough sleep to work and then I would watch daughter in the morning and W would go back to sleep. I hated that but she was having issues with lack of sleep. I should have stood my ground and stayed in the bedroom. W became obsessive with our daughter. Daughter is the most important thing in W life and its not even close. I love my daughter but feel like in a family there needs to be a balance which we never had.

In the MR she controlled a lot. I would try to speak my opinion and she would reason her way to win the argument. Many times she would research heavily online like co-sleeping for example. I am a coach and leader but at home wanted to keep the peace and would back down rather than fight when she had evidence or studies to support her reasoning (NGS).

I definitely apologized quicker. She rarely apologizes and it takes her a lot of time. We never could kiss or make up and make up sex never happened even though I wanted that. She held onto anger or sadness for days and at times hid her tears from me. I didn't know how bad it was she told me she was crying every day and her time of the month was leaving her physically sick towards the end of the MR. She is very sensitive, calls herself an empath that absorbs other peoples energy and in general doesnt like being around a lot of people. She used to always say she didnt like people except me. She loved me so much it was crazy and she was so good to me. I didnt appreciate it and took her for granted.

She never went out without me in the M. Never stayed out late or anything like that. Before we were together she may have been wild but didnt know eachother well then. We were wild together early on in the relationship. Fights were usually my fault during the marriage honestly. I used marijuana to self medicate and hold in my emotions. I hid that from her for periods of time. I wasnt happy a lot of the time and blamed external factors. It wasnt until after she left that I recognized I had a LOT of work to do on myself. And I have and am doing it.

NGS- I repressed my feelings my whole life. I always wanted others to validate me through athletic success. Or sex. I was very physical in my love language and didnt communicate with her or work on the emotional relationship. I dont blame her for leaving but I have made a lot of 180s and other women fall for me then I turn them down and just want to be friends. I want my W and family and have stopped dating for months.

More NGS- I want to different from my father who has issues with depression he never worked on and pushed me very hard into athletics. I used to not admit I had any issues but now am working on myself consistently. I relate to women very well, Im good with men too but I dont have many close guy friends. W was introverted and I lost touch with many old friends.

She was my emotional center, in my marriage vows I literally said she was my heart- we see how that turned out...heartbreak. Still having trouble a year later. I was dishonest, didnt make my needs a priority or even recognize my needs, give to get, I used to be full of rage from holding everything in, difficulty setting boundaries- turning down work and disappointing people was hard for me until separation, I wasnt a good listener, relatively successful but focused on reaching my potential moving forward.

Many of these things changed when she left I did a lot of self reflection. I have done therapy and made major changes in the way I think, feel and communicate. But even just today W says she doesnt care about the changes Ive made what's done is done... and youre being an [censored] today go project your insecurities on someone else. This is when I am offering her $2300 per month to cover her $1300 rental and $1000 spending money plus paying for health insurance and life insurance. Feel like I just have to be done. Maybe I just go black for a while and then Divorce if nothing changes. Im so tired of spending all my energy on our R when she doesnt care or want to work on us and hasnt in a year.

[Did]

W is nice and kind until I bring up anything about our R or MR... doesn't act like a WW. She was crazy and making terrible decisions 8-9 months ago while in PA. Now she just has anxiety around me. Has this other guy I guess she has EA with she says she cares about him.

Thinking I just contact her as little as possible for a while but that may turn into forever. We texted way too much yesterday after I tried to tell her we were splitting finances. During that convo she said you pushed me away (while in MR) and then tried to push me to be together and she's sick of having to push back.

What I think should work doesnt work at all. Common sense doesnt work or being nice and doing things for her. So I guess I just pull away. All she wants is alone time shes stuck in her parents house with our daughter more than half the time. Gotta get my groove / mojo back handle my responsibilities - moving packing our whole life up as I downsize and split everything up. Hard as F*ck but I have to almost do the opposite of what I want to do... like that one seinfeld episode where George does the opposite and gets a girlfriend and a job at the yankees.

[mtb1981]

Yes, Did... After reading your last post, it looks like you're starting to get it. As counter-productive and counter-intuitive this all seems, it really does work. But it is hard, Just stay focused and don't let your emotions get in the driver's seat. You've turned a corner and are starting to head in the right direction. Again, STAY FOCUSED. It's so easy to get confused and backtrack in the whole process. I've done it way too many times myself...