MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART VIII

[Ste7e]

Amazing! I am so rooting for you this really really helps me as I am in a dark spot of acceptance that my R is dead, but still love my W deeply. You should change your name to ItHelps!

[ItHurts]

Hey Ste7e,
I feel for you brother. The place you are at now is one of intense depair and constant pain. But please, please, PLEASE find comfort in knowing the future does get much better! I remember my agony well...and that's where my screen name came from in fact. But trust me when I tell you that one day that intense pain goes away. One day it will dawn on you that it just doesn't hurt anymore.
What you should do is GAL. That is the seed that blooms into your Independence from WAW. Let her do what she's going to do. I remember thinking back then that at least everyone else has their WAWs sonehwat local so there's always that chance to interact with them at some point. For me, mine took off and moved to Florida...which made my pain especially difficult to contend with because there was no way to even spend time with her.

So keep your chin up my friend. The future is amazing and one day you will be where I am where whatever happens happens...and it seems like once you reach that point... that's when the WAWs come around again. The beauty is by then you won't be so dependent on it. It will be something you want...not need. Be strong buddy...you'll make it!!

[GettinT]

That was nicely put - gives hope for us who make our way into the light! Good luck with tequila on fire:)

[ItHurts]

Thanks GettinT! I really do want you guys suffering through the agony now to know I'm not just go giving lip service...that I truly mean what I am telling you. WAW and I were nearly inseparable for almost 20 years until one dark day, April 27, 2014, a date I will never forget... when my entire world, my entire life exploded. My desire to even live was gone. But eventually the sun shined on me again. I remember, for whatever reason, the song "Eye Of The Tiger" always made me feel better. Maybe you guys should set that tune on repeat. Even now when I hear that song I remember my terrible pain and smile to myself thinking of where I am now.
Now 4 year later, here's my WAW back again and relentless in her efforts to maintain contact and get me back in her life. In what capacity remains to be seen but as I told you guys...whatever the heck happens happens. Either way I will survive. You guys will get to this point too so ignore your thoughts of hopelessness as that's not how it's going to unfold for you guys!
You WILL make it and one day see I was right.

[artista]

Well it seems like she already had plans for our activities tonight. Before I could even ask her to do something she asked me if I want to help her make a fire in the fire pit and that she had tequila. So I think she had a plan on place already for us to hang by a fire.

omgawd, i love it!!! maybe you can show up with a couple of new, really cool shot glasses to use by the fire tonight... Hubby and i are tequila drinkers... sippers and shooters... sounds fun!

p.s. cuidado... don't drink too much where either of you say things you may regret...

salud!

--artista

[LoneWlf]

ItHurts- the evidence of success- you don't know how much it raises our spirit knowing you did what you did and now there is light at the end of the tunnel( and it is not an incoming freight train). Power to ya bruh!! Stay Well!!

[Vanilla]

None the less tell her that's what you want to do see a Band of your choice.....

Next time

V

[ItHurts]

Thank you guys! Yes and the best part is, as I mentioned when she first started contacting me again, is that I am in control. Meaning I don't feel at her mercy per se in terms of the threat of living without her. In other words, she could tell me to buzz off and never speak to her again and although I'd be disappointed, I wouldn't shrivel up into a ball and cry myself to unconsciousness as I did in the months after the bomb went off.
It's so liberating to feel this way and that's what I want newbies to know... that this feeling will be theirs one day too no matter how desperate you feel now.

[ItHurts]

Hey guys,
Well here's the update from hanging out with WAW last night.
Everything went well and as planned. We made the fire, had many laughs, reminisced, etc and got really drunk.

We stayed up very late. A few items of interest happened. When we were sitting outside in the front step, she would every so often put her head on my shoulder I noticed overall that she acted like my "wife" at certain times. As far as what she calls me now, my full name is apparently the norm again as that's all she used all night long. For those not in the know my WAW stopped calling me by my pet name back in 2014. She now exclusively uses my pet name...which is my full name.

She got sick later in the night so I helped her out. She was holding my hand when she was sick. Then she said I should stay over. So we sat down to watch T.V. and she stretched her legs across me...prefacing it with a disclaimer of course saying she wants to stretch because she was tired from moving around bags of mulch in her garden all day. I responded with "Oh boy, I've seen this movie before" in reference to her legs being on me. You see, back when we first met she put her legs across me the same way and it was always a talking point throughout our marriage. So that's why I replied with that remark.

So I massaged her feet for her and we both passed out on the couch. We were very drunk as I said.

Some hours later she woke me up and told me to stretch out and she went to her bed which is like 5 feet away. We both passed out again...still very drunk.

Then this morning we were both hungover badly. I went pee and was going back to sleep on the couch, feeling like garbage, and she called out from her bed and said "I'm not calling you in here for sex or anything but you can come lay in here with me." So I did, kind of laughing to myself at what she said. She seemed to like the fact I was laying in her bed next to her.

Later, when we felt better her Mom stopped by for a quick visit so I got to see my ex-MIL for a bit. After she left WAW said something like, "Man she must be wondering WTF is going on!" So I stayed a couple hours longer and she mentioned how she wants to plan a trip to Vegas. She said I don't know who I would go with. I said I would go. She seemed excited and started looking for a list of things she wants to do in Vegas to show me.

During the course of the night we talked about our former sex life a bit, our marriage of course and we talked about what we did wrong, etc but the latter certainly didn't monopolize our visit in any way. She is keeping the guise of friendship still it appears but my gut makes me sense there's A LOT more things going on in her head regarding me than simply being my pal. Just a gut feeling that she is thinking more than she's letting on in some capacity.

She said something the night before by the fire at one point about next time I come over. I can't remember exactly how that transitioned into this but I told her as fun as it is to hang out; that we probably wouldn't be able to do this if we're in some way involved with someone else. She basically agreed but made it clear that she is taking a break from dating anyway.

So this morning we're out sitting on the front step again and she again lays her head on my shoulder. I didn't make a big deal of it in any way though. She casually touched me throughout my time there.

Then the last hour I was there she went back to looking for the Vegas list she was looking for an hour before. Strangely as she was looking for it she said "I'd love to invite you but I don't think that's a good idea." I was nonchalant about it and just said that's fine. Then she found the list and showed it to me. After that she then looked at me, almost for approval, and said " Yeah if you went with me it would be weird I'd by then you were with somebody or I was." I nonchalantly just kind of blew it off mainly because I don't really care if she invites me or not, the trip would be a ways off from now anyway.

She mentioned also that Jim, that dude she hangs with on Fridays, called to see if she wanted to hang last night too. wAW said no way. One night a week of Jim is enough. He's kind of a downer and has a lot of problems. I love him and he's a dear childhood friend but I can only take him in doses.

So it was interesting to say the least and I had a great time. She showed frequent affection, talked more about us working together again on a project perhaps, and at times acting as she did as my wife.
So I have to reflect on the last 24 hours and decipher what this latest experience means. My feeling is that she is not convinced she only wants friendship from me, but that for now it's working. Maybe I'm wrong but I think there's more going on in her head regarding me than she's letting on. That's my immediate feeling here looking back on the last 24 hours.

[LoneWlf]

IH= WOW that was some progress report- Man you sound like a pro with your off the cuff - non committed responses. Almost like it did not matter either way. Wish I was in my relationship where you are. Nevertheless you have given ALL of us HOPE! Keep on and stay Well!!