My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[ovrrnbw]

Surfer, thanks for the reply. I will read and respond soon.

I need a quick reply, WW is asking me if I am at the lake. She's asked three times this AM via text. I don't want to tell her where I'm at bc she doesn't extend the same courtesy. Do I ask her why she wants to know? Or is that pursuit?

How do I respond?

[OrangeK]

Surfer, thanks for the reply. I will read and respond soon.

I need a quick reply, WW is asking me if I am at the lake. She's asked three times this AM via text. I don't want to tell her where I'm at bc she doesn't extend the same courtesy. Do I ask her why she wants to know? Or is that pursuit?

How do I respond?

I wouldn't. Your whereabouts stopped being her business when she hooked up with OM.
Let her wonder.

[SteveLW]

Surfer, thanks for the reply. I will read and respond soon.

I need a quick reply, WW is asking me if I am at the lake. She's asked three times this AM via text. I don't want to tell her where I'm at bc she doesn't extend the same courtesy. Do I ask her why she wants to know? Or is that pursuit?

How do I respond?

Don't respond. Or if your NGS makes you feel compelled to, and you are not at the lake, just tell her, no, I am not at the lake. If you are at the lake and don't want her to know you are there then don't respond at all.

[ovrrnbw]

Well I got about 5 calls this morning and some text messages about normal stuff. WW texts "why aren't you answering". Should I respond to this or just let the actions speak?

Then twice in text WW asks if I'm at the lake... followed by "??" when I don't reply quick enough. 3 hours later WW calls to ask if I'll be at the lake, I respond "why, what's going on?". WW says "I'm just wondering", I respond "I'm just wondering, too".

I go to end the convo by saying "alright then" before I'm cut off and questioned about what I'm doing. I go to end the convo again and WW she asks if I'll be at the house today. I say "not sure", then end the convo with "I'll talk to you later" and hang up (as she was continuing to talk).

I can't keep having one way communication. I don't want to be anything and everything for WW when she can't do the same. I'm trying to remember to sound positive, I could have had a better tone. I guess I need to detach futher still.

[ovrrnbw]

Ovrrnbw,

Rear your sitch yesterday. A few pointers that may help. Not,trying to give advice, just things that flag given my background. So take it all with a pinch of salt. You will need to form your own opinions and take your own path as each sitch is different.

First. Please can you add your stitch to your footer. Why? It helps respondents to remember the back story.

Second. Stop the overthinking. Is she trying to make you her bitch etc. Stop it all, it is so hard, I understand, but overthinking is you stuck in a rut. Climb out my friend.

Three. Run, gym, walk as much as you need. Running and heavy weights in particular. It stops overthinking.

Four. She may well try to make you engage in things that you know will end in war (google the drama triangle). Do not engage. Read about how to validate and acknowledge ( ok, sounds hard type stuff). Do not accept her story though. It s hers, try to drop emotional ties and no getting dragged in. Again see drama triangle behaviour. In these situations everything she says will have a pay off to her and an impact to your detriment. Is this clear? It is very important.

Five. GAL is for you. Forget her. She is no longer yours - as she is not who she was (weird eh but it is so I am afraid). Why hang around being hers when she is not her? She may come back - but you must work on the basis she may not, otherwise you are hanging in there like a lap dog and she will thrive on it. You said about her making you her bitch. Hang around and YOU are making YOU her bitch. She is now just a neighbour, someone you are decent to and never argue with but you will listen when she talks nicely even if it s difficult to do so. If she crosses boundaries (abuse/shouting) you close her down. Explain the boundary and move off - physically if necessary.

Six. 100 per cent you have no control over her. She is not who you thought she was. She is now someone else. Just drop whoever she is for now. If she picks up and does the work, great. If not. You will be fine. You might not want to hear this but your life will be better without the chaos no doubt. Focus on that, you are not so desperate and she wants you to be. DROP THE ROPE!

Seven. PURSUIT. Stop. Stop making her coffee etc in the morning to win her back. It will not work. You just look like you are desperate. Move on. If she changes her ways all well and good, if not, all good. Also, stop trying to measure her change. Only measure her on the day she leaves (you do not , ever it s your home) or if she changes and begs for forgiveness. The former is most likely, it may be followed by the latter.

Eight. I agree with other advice. Get in your bed. She will then move out. Every night it will send her her into stress not you. This is for her not you.

Nine. If she speaks about the D. Just validate. Say her journey not yours - do this kindly though (no point in starting a war). That s it. Be a man still even when kind. Dont come across as some limp lettuce emo-man. Feel free to say, sounds tricky. Then move on. If she presses you - just say Ive given you my thoughts. Other times let her talk more and just listen.

Ten. Get buff. Get out there doing something. If she asks who with - friends. If she asks again, repeat answer 1.

Eleven. Dont respond to her physical touch. Tell her you are not comfortable with it as you need someone that is committed to a R with you (she has said she is not) if she asks you why. Until you see her buy in you can not change this and will not. You bought in to a committed R not this.

Twelve. Do not talk to her parents or others about this (the only exception is your very closest friends and possibly family but make sure you are 100 per cent sure it will not get back. Every mouthful of anger you spill will need to be undone if this mends. You need max two or so people to talk to IMHO. This board will suffice if not. You must not talk to her parents or family again about the sitch.

Thirteen. Keep your text responses and calls brief. Like you are answering yes or no questions, but slightly less so. Do not call or chase her , give yourself a telling off if you are tempted.

Fourteen. You are still spinning, due to attachment. You must detach. This is where you are a bit meh on what she says or does she is not pulling your strings. Your asking why, how, is it this is evident of your mindset and your link to her. It takes lots of time to drop the rope but sadly each time you pick it up again you continue the habit. Like smoking , you are straight back to the depths of addiction. And it is a habit and you must go cold turkey on this my friend. Very difficult as you get a pay off when you chase her (perhaps she does care about me after all??) and so does she (watch this maggot squirm). Its pretty horrible dynamics, but thats your bag until you detach.

Fifteen. Dont freak out. We have all done exactly what you have. So similar for all of us. Its the playbook analogy. Just remember
a) this takes time to master it is all about changing habits - many at once!!
b) it is her rollercoaster not yours - its just about when, not if, you can learn that riding it only screws you up. Stop it. Its a habit that will not only damage you life, it will damage theirs and your loved ones.

Read my back story if you want to see how similar it is.


Finally, I can tell you that I see my kids and my WW almost daily. I am very, very happy (much more happy than when together with WW), so are the kids. They will be rounded and happy adults. She may not however. We get along and talk and rarely have a cross word. However, do I 100 per cent trust her - no.

New Mrs. Surfer is 6 yrs younger than WW and just the loveliest v smart (2 x MSC smart). 1.5 years in. Not a single cross word or look. Either way. Not like that with WW. Red flags with WW began within 6 months of R - I just thought it would be okay. I presumed she was like me - kind and forgiving. Not so. Reflect on your R! Did you have red flags. What were they?

You will be fine and happy. Just take it in bite size chunks and take back control.

A final point. She is wearing your testicles as earrings and I bet she loves to wear them and proudly shows them off. Take them back and stuff them firmly down the front of your trousers my friend.

Final, final point. ALWAYS keep your cool.

Surfer.

Surfer, thanks for your post.

1.OK
2. I am overthinking everything
3. I've always been big on the gym, I'm a former athlete.
4. I need to respond, rather than say nothing to not engage, right? I've been mostly silent when she tries to start a fight.
5. I have been GAL. I come home from GAL, shower, and go to bed.
6. I have accepted this.
7. I have stopped pursuit.
8. I moved into the bed last week. This is 2 weeks now. WW is in front bedroom.
9. WW hasn't talked about D in a couple of weeks, except when I first stopped pursuit. WW thought I was "ignoring her" and if I was ready to sign papers. I replied "My position hasn't changed".
10. Already am buff. And I'm always with "friends" from here out. Nunya bidness WW!
11. Not much touching going on, except the night in bed which was weird.
12. Haven't talked to her parents about it in over 2 weeks. They don't know what the heck to do either and they know they can't control it.
13. Good point, I am still saying too much.
14. How do I detach?
15. I am trying to not freak out - thanks!!!

The only way I have "taken back the testicles" is by moving back into the master bed, not cleaning up anything after WW, not giving her what she wants when she wants, not answering the first call ever, not responding to texts in a normal time, and not being available all workday like she used to get.

[ovrrnbw]

Made some progress tonight. WW texted me again late this afternoon asking if I was at the lake. Again, I asked why, WW says I dunno. I say Ok then, WW replies that she is having a hard time so I say "with what"? WW says don't worry i'll be fine. I say "ok have a good weekend". Then WW asks again if I'm at the lake, but asks something else so I only respond to the other question. WW asks again if I'm at the lake. I don't respond.

An hour later WW asks me to call. After 20 or 30 minutes I call WW. WW says she is upset and crying about not being at the lake. Her folks didn't end up going bc she didn't plus it'd be awkward with the lake neighbors explaining why I wasn't there. WW wants a "new life". WW says her parents are yelling at her. WW also says that this is "happening to her", whatever that means. That's probably her way of saying, "this isn't my fault" and cleaning her hands of her wrongdoings.

I wonder if I should be her shoulder to cry on. Sounds like getting the benefits of a husband without the necessary reciprocation. She says she "wishes she could change her life". I'm not sure why she can't. WW says she's unhappy with her life. OK crazy lady.

Eventually WW texted me saying thanks for talking and she was sorry to bother me. I just responded "you're welcome".

Obviously she still has the feels. We'll see if that translates into anything positive for the marriage.

[SteveLW]

Yeah my W went through that too when she was full blown wayward. It was as if some mad woman had taken over the controls and my former W was sitting in the background powerless to do anything but watch.

Whenever we'd talk she would talk in the same terms, like she was an innocent bystander. one thingI did, right wrong or indifferent, was to remind her that she had the power to save the mR or end it. Kind of a verbal reminder that I was the lighthouse on the shore. I'd be there no matter what she decided. Not sure if it helped but it was a subtle way to let her no that she could control it despite her feeling of it just happening to her.

[Did]

Anyone who has successfully R have advice on how to build attraction and respect back with WW? Is there another post on this topic?

What do I say when she asks did you go out last night? Just not answer? Tell her why is she asking? This happened today and I said I was home reading. W is empathetic we used to joke about her being telepathic... seemed to know I was out and she couldn't sleep last night. She gets jealous.


We used to have this intense sexual attraction and then "her switch flipped" I had some mental health issues I had to work through with seasonal depression. I blamed external factors when I needed to look inwards and work on myself In the past I made a lot of mistakes initially, letters, gifts, talking about changes etc. I forgive myself accept my mistakes in M and after. 180s, getting back in great shape, looking good, starting a business plan to build a potential new career.

Now full on DB doing well but only been a few days. Both have dated but now we are not. Getting separate living situation... she has no income so I'm helping her get out of a toxic living situation at her parents mom has mental health issues untreated. Her rental will be in both our names, so I'm hoping to end up spending time with her there over the next year. I am buying a condo that could be turned into a rental - moving forward with my life either way.

Thank you!

[Did]

This is a great post thanks Surfer and Cadet for your time! I am in a similar situation but maybe further along timewise? Surfer where is your backstory? Is there a way to tag people on here or copy another post with my backstory? I would love to see some posts with people who used DB and had a WOW actually R. Seems like most go the other way. I want to get the attraction and respect back.

My WOW and I are cordial, she says she wants to be friends that trust each other. I made all the usual mistakes for months up until recently embracing DB and LRT. Now we are getting along and I think she is questioning her decisions & having second thoughts. But I dont think she feels the physical attraction even though Im an attractive guy great dad in good shape. She has been telling me she hasn't been able to sleep, wanting to hug etc.

I think I am too nice. She asks what I was doing last night, I should say not your business? She left. If you want to work on R then we can discuss. She brings up dating same... I don't want to hear about you and any OM I am not your gay friend I am your husband and I will be treated with respect.

Focusing on 180's GOL, in good shape but getting towards great shape. Hanging with friends but I dont have many close guy friends. Trying to work on this but work a lot of evenings. A couple girl friends but they want more than just friends.

Want W back / family, miss daughter being in my house every day. Still very attracted to her. Tried to help her for months now trying to detach. Thanks in advance for advice!


She lives w her mom and stepdad I am in our 4000sq ft house. House sold w closing of June I am moving to a condo Im buying that could be a rental investment (GOL build long term wealth whatever she does). She stopped working to raise our daughter. I applied with her for her rental and it would be both of us on the lease, she has no income. Maybe nice guy syndrome? But for her mental health she needs to get out of her parents house, mom is toxic with untreated mental health disorders. Maybe not my problem but want to help her heal. I was a selfish emotional roller coaster, depression / stress issues self medicated with marijuana blamed her for my issues which I have since worked on. She was a great W but not herself anymore, switch flipped.

She feels I control her with money and therapist previously recommended I get her her own place. This is when she was with OM in the past. Now neither of us are seeing OP.

[ovrrnbw]

Yesterday morning WW texted me in the morning,just my name with "..." at the end. WW tells me she's sorry (I think she means for bothering me) and that she's having a hard time. I validate, but find that statement a little annoying.

Then WW tells me she is just so sad. I say I'm sorry to hear that, WW says oh well and I leave it at that.

What the hell is she doing? Why is she coming to me when she's sad? The lake was "our thing", so that and the holiday weekend plays a big role.