The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[SteveLW]

Thanks for your advice Cadet, I will keep posting. I've been reading threads about LBS's detaching all day and now I feel quite angry at my W for the first time.

I think the anger is coming out as my fear is finally subsiding. She emotionally detached a long time ago and didn't tell me anything, she talked to everyone else but me then dropped the DB, then she proceeded to have an EA and was lost in limerence while I was going through hell. Now she has the cheek to say things to me like "don't get your hopes up"
I think I'm finally done with her now, regardless of the consequences.

lusa just a word of caution. Be careful with pronouncements of finality. The threads here are littered with LBSs that were at the I am done point, only to turn around in a day or two to be about to initiate an R talk, and I miss her so much, I can't live without her language. This is a process. Fear is the first emotion. Anger follows. Then you move back into fear. Then to resignation, then to anger, then to fear. It is literally a roller-coaster ride.

Remember, she is on her own roller-coaster too. That is why being detached, remaining calm, being ever present is so important. The analogy is like a lighthouse. No matter what the seas are like you are there on the shore as a rock steady beckon of light.

So while you shouldn't shun these emotions, you need to feel them as you are experiencing them, neither should you use them to make final decisions. There will be plenty of time for that. Remebmer, limbo is the gift of time.

[lusa]

Thank you for those wise words, I'll be seeing her at the family home in the next hour or so, I'll remember this and ensure I make no pronouncements. Detached. calm and every present :-)

[sandi2]

When things need doing that she hasn't done before like setting up or emptying the pool we have, she'll ask me what to do, I'll explain and then she'll do it herself. I'm not going to read too much into this now, but I'll just take on-board that she doesn't want me to do things for her around the house ATM. I resisted bringing in the trash bins from the front of the house, like I've been doing recently and tidying the kitchen and just let her do it all herself whilst I played with the kids.

I don't think it is your W who has a problem about you not doing something for her. I think it is YOU, who has the problem. IDK, maybe acts of service is your love language. Why do you have to "resist" bringing in the trash bins and tidying up the kitchen? Maybe you should examine yourself as to why you have this strong need.

If your W is really wanting to show her independence, she might resent you doing everything for her. Grant it, most W's won't complain that they have nothing to do when they get home, but I feel it is a big mistake for a H to do everything for her. And if they are separated, it's a big no-no.

You have not really separated from her. You use the kids as your excuse to be over there as much as you are. I am not saying you don't love or want the best for your kids. Lots of fathers say they do this for the sake of the kids.......but it's really for the sake of the H's feelings. You are not giving her a chance to see how a real separation looks. You are getting better, by turning lose of some of the work. Now, you need to stop eating meals "as a family" over there, and staying most of the time at her house. It is hard on you and the kids, yes. But you have to think about the end results and doing something unpleasant short term in order to have better results long term.

Are you preparing the evening meals for the family? If so, is there any reason why she can't do it?

I strongly suggest you start spending at least one day per week GAL. This will help your growth. You can also take the kids to do things with you. You can spend time with them other places than her house.

((hugs))

[lusa]

Thank you for your input Sandi,

My W is resenting me doing anything for her ATM and is definitely asserting her independence.

I went back home and I saw her through the window on the phone crying when I pulled up on the drive, I checked her phone later and saw shed be talking to her best GF. I was booked in for a guitar lesson there (which she had facilitated). I noticed that since yesterday, she had sat in the kitchen working all day with the trash bagged up in the room, which has never happened before. It was still waiting for me to take it out like I had been dutifully doing for the last few months.

I again asked her if she wanted me to bring the trash bins from the front of the house, and she again replied with the words i dont mind, so i left them. This is obviously her testing as it is the first time I have stopped doing things like this and id already brought up the fact that this is a disrespectful answer when im asking if she wants help. I now know that I made a mistake by asking.

Mistake number 2: When she said she had to go to buy food for the house, I said I could have brought it if she asked me.

Mistake number 3: When I saw the pool was still up on the lawn, without being asked, I said I would take it down so it doesnt kill the grass.

Mistake number 4: I am picking S13 up tomorrow to bring him to stay overnight with me. When I asked what time to get him and W said they had plans together in the morning, I said fine and almost flounced off, pouting, so much S13 mentioned it. Very immature and obviously indicative of desperately expecting my W to want family time together, and sulking when she doesnt.

This isnt detaching, this is still being a scared little lap dog, whos terrified she wont change her mind and theyll be no R followed by a big D.

After reading hundreds of posts this week, especially yours Sandi, I have come to realise that as we are separated (at her request) I shouldnt be doing any housework for her and by doing these things I am actually making my situation worse and pushing her further away. This is the real reason I have stopped these things, I actually quite like these jobs.

Thank you for pointing out that I havent really separated from her and that I have been using the kids as an excuse to go to her house, you are right, this is true. I also havent initiated any contact or requested any meet, I thought the fact that she had offered every meet meant that it still counted as doing the right thing and was still Dbing.

Ive been terrified of pulling back for all the classic reasons and therefore havent given her a chance to see how separation really looks. I feel I am finally starting to do this now, but it will be so hard to refuse offers of family meals / family time with all 4 of us. I will do my best to remember the long-term goal taking precedent over the short-term unpleasantness, and see if that gives me enough to refuse these invitations.

Sometimes I prepare the meals, sometimes she does, sometimes I take over the prep as shes finishing her blogging work in the kitchen. Mostly she prepares it for me and the kids or all of us though.

Regarding GAL, tonight I have been playing guitar with a friend, but this is nothing new, we have done it nearly every Friday night for 4 years. I dont currently do anything else GAL wise. I am thinking of joining my local Judo club, which is a sport I did as a kid.

I know a female friend would simultaneously help and complicate the situation, so I would like to avoid that ATM.

Currently, the kids stay with me independently once a week, I am planning to take them out more on my own, but I have been so happy to trade this for full family time with W too, she has ended up with all the power.

This is very hard and very counter-intuitive but thanks to this board I have finally started doing this and becoming the best man I can be, for myself, my kids and my future R.

[sandi2]

Recognizing your mistakes is great progress, IMHO. It means that, hopefully, you won't repeat these actions. Frankly, I am pretty excited that you are getting better vision.

I suggest you try really hard to not think of her as your W, or see yourself as her dutiful H. It will help keep you more balanced and grounded. She said she wanted a separation, so allow her to experience it. To tell you the truth, I could see how she would feel your presence and constantly wanting to help her as pressure. So, actually, you have been hurting yourself by being so handy.

I also havent initiated any contact or requested any meet, I thought the fact that she had offered every meet meant that it still counted as doing the right thing and was still Dbing.

She is wayward, so almost everything she initiates, suggests, or offers has an ulterior motive. A wayward is motivated by her self-centered thoughts. I suggest that you silently question whenever she offers a meet......or anything else. Even if you can't see what she could possibly gain from it....I promise there is something in it for her or you'd never hear from her.

Ive been terrified of pulling back for all the classic reasons and therefore havent given her a chance to see how separation really looks. I feel I am finally starting to do this now, but it will be so hard to refuse offers of family meals / family time with all 4 of us. I will do my best to remember the long-term goal taking precedent over the short-term unpleasantness, and see if that gives me enough to refuse these invitations.

Being honest with ourselves and facing our fears is a big step. It's okay to be afraid. Just don't allow the fear to paralyze your actions. Might I suggest you set a few goals to challenge yourself. This coming week, see how many times you can turn down her offers to stay for meals. Deal?

Let me share something I've learned. I discovered that in order to have stronger faith, we must have trials and temptations. Without them, there would be no need to apply faith. The same thing is true in other areas. We will never know our true strength until we are required to use it. It's like muscles. If we never exercise our muscles, we lose them.

Start with a few steps in the right direction......like turning down the meals. Stop offering to help her. Don't make suggestions, as if you were still living together (like your response when she said she needed to get groceries). Do your very best with these this coming week.

I am really relieved to see that you are willing to stop spending so much time at her place, and that the kids should spend more time with you. Yes, it is hard for the H to deny "family" activities, but she will never experience true separation if you don't stop playing family while she is acting out her rebellion. Make your family events just for you and the kids. Remember, she wanted to tear it apart, so let her have a glimpse of how it would look.

You will still get to be with your children. Make their visits exciting and special. They will love going to your house, especially if they feel it's their place, too.

Again, I commend you for being so open and honest. ((hugs))

[lusa]

Being honest with ourselves and facing our fears is a big step. Its okay to be afraid. Just dont allow the fear to paralyze your actions. Might I suggest you set a few goals to challenge yourself. This coming week, see how many times you can turn down her offers to stay for meals. Deal?

Youve got a deal Sandi

I really appreciate your input on my sitch, and feel my respect for you has given me accountability to you and myself. Ive trusted and started this process, whilst still living with the fear of it. So far Ive given myself 1 point for each of my following actions:

When I went to pick up S13 on Saturday night, he asked if I could wait and watch football on the sports channel with him. Instead of using it as an excuse to stay longer at her house I persuaded him to come with me and it would be just as good listening on the radio at my house. We left earlier than expected and W was surprised.

W is training to walk a marathon, which is quite a feat considering her physical situation ATM. She walked 20 miles on Sunday and with a mile to go she texted that it would be fine for me to bring S13 back to her house and wait for her, I think she wanted us to cheer her home. I resisted and brought him much later. When I brought him back, I checked she was ok after her long walk and then politely left. This is such a 180 on my previous fawning behavior of asking what she needed, preparing meals and even massaging her feet.

Later that evening she called a few times and then texted for advice she could get from anyone and to see if I would be her errand boy. Instead of eagerly replying I simply turned my phone off and continued GALing with my guitar buddy.

D10 is returning from a school trip today and instead of all going to greet her as previously discussed I said I would come over later and pick her up, so she could have a couple of hours daddy time on her own. Normally Id have jumped at the chance to greet her together and spend the subsequent hours at her house.

When arranging for me to take S13 to see a movie on Thu night W has mentioned a few times that she will cook burgers, presuming I will come straight from work and eat as family like we often do. The first time I just automatically said ok, this morning I said, please just feed the kids as normal and Ill come and pick him up when its time to leave the house.

I make that 5 points already this week, and its only Monday. I only started this 36 hours ago and I am already starting to see the dynamic shift and to feel her pursuit for the first time. I am even starting to feel some relief and pleasure, but not at her expense, its more due to me finally remembering how to be the man I really am.

I have many questions that I never post as the more I read, the more answers come. Especially through the five threads on LBH dealing with WW spouses. The one question I have ATM is how do I answer when she asks about this pulling back behavior? She has definitely noticed and Im sure the question will come soon. The current answer I have is I am just working on myself and learning to let go.

[lusa]

This is horrible I am lonely and missing them and the 4 of us being together.
I turned down another meal there yesterday and turned down calling in after work today.

She has responded by calling more and talking about her work stuff more, not just kids stuff.

I feel it is good my listening to her stuff and being encouraging but detached with love as it shows I am not just going NC, which I have done before or feeling angry with her. I think it balances her feeling me pull back whilst still being her lighthouse.

[SteveLW]

lusa, I am of the opinion that anytime he WAW is willing to talk to you, you should embrace it. Unless it is disrespectful in nature. As long as she is willing to open up to you about her life, listen. Validate her feelings.

NC or LRT are for very specific circumstances. And should only be used as a "last resort", thus the name.

[lusa]

Thank you Steve, I feel I have been guilty of too much in the past to not answer most of her calls and validate when I can.

I get a feeling there will be more now I've finally learnt to take the pressure off her, pressure I didn't realise I was creating.

[SteveLW]

Thank you Steve, I feel I have been guilty of too much in the past to not answer most of her calls and validate when I can.

I get a feeling there will be more now I've finally learnt to take the pressure off her, pressure I didn't realise I was creating.

It is amazing how mot of the time when you back off, they come forward. Could be for lots of reasons, not all good (like trying to keep you as Plan B), but it usually works that way.