Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Davide]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2788756&page=11

Thanks for everyone's help thus far. I have finally reached my second thread.

So today I took the day off for myself. 6 a.m. yoga, then off to the family house where the W lives. I needed to pick up the car, but also some clothing and papers. I texted her the night before to let her know I was coming by so she wouldn't get scared. But she was still in bed. So we didn't see each other.

I went to the climbing gym for a good 2 hours. That really helps my mind focus on the present moment. Then showered and headed off to the 2nd job interview. I killed it. Dunno if I want the job because it means a commute 3x longer, and I dunno about the money yet. But it is still a success.

Then off to get my first ever tattoo - a wrist inscription, really a mantra to myself, about my own power.

When I came home I looked through the papers I had picked up. They were letters my former runners had written me when I left the school nearly 11 years ago. Once again, I was a puddle of tears on the floor. Some of them are arranging a get together when I visit NYC on my trip this summer. I'm sure that I am projecting somewhat, because I am so openly emotional about the investment and connection that I had with them, while I keep a stiff upper lip regarding the WAW.

I am also reading a book on codependency and came across a passage that nailed my situation to a T.

Emotional dependency and feeling stuck can also cause problems in salvageable relationships. If we are in a relationship that is still good, we may be too insecure to detach and start taking care of ourselves. We may stifle ourselves and smother or drive away the other person. That much need becomes obvious to other people. It can be sensed, felt.

Ultimately, too much dependency on a person can kill love. Relationships based on emotional insecurity and need rather than love can become self-destructive. They don't work. Too much need drives people away and smothers love. It scares people away....

[LoneWlf]

Thanks for sharing Davide- I'm sure that speaks to alot of people here. Me included. Stay Well!!

[Davide]

Rough night/morning.

I went out on a great bike ride with friends. I felt so strong, powerful. It was great. We went back to a bar patio and I had a single beer.

Upon returning home at 10:30 I started cycling thoughts again, and got caught in the loop and couldn't shut it off. Physically I was completely exhausted but my brain just wouldn't shut off. Finally around 2 a.m. I took a couple of NyQuils and finally was able to get a little sleep. No yoga this morning, as I "slept in" till 6:45.

Now I am on edge and anxious. I have been here before. The lack of sleep is fatal for my mood. I have been exercising so much, but generally only getting 5-6 hours sleep a night. Somehow I also dropped another 3 lbs to bring me down 38 lbs in the past 6 weeks (and I wasn't really overweight to begin with).

[Davide]

Once again, I seem to be alternating good days with bad days. Alcohol is not good for me at all either. I had a great day yesterday GALing throughout - yoga, then 2 hours rock climbing and then out with friends for the evening. Unfortunately, it was at a brewery and then a bonfire and it was hard to say no to a couple of beers. Literally, just three beers, but that was enough to throw off my sleep and leave me in a tizzy today.

I went back and looked at emails and text messages from the W, just a month before BD, expressing love and heart emojis and the like. I know that it is a cheeseless tunnel trying to get into her head. I can't get in there. It isn't logical or rational anyway. But how hard on myself should I be for falling into this trap? I am just 6 weeks post BD, 6 weeks post separation. Should I be cutting myself some slack for normal lapses into nostalgia for what the R was?

Right now, I am sitting in our house (where she lives currently, since I left) and she has left for the day, leaving the car and taking the bike, and I can't help but wonder who she is with. It makes me question my certainty that she is not in an EA. Basically it is fruitless attempts to get inside her head. I have been strong thus far. I have followed all Sandi's rules to a T, I have been working on myself to become a better man, to understand my neuroses, to fix what has been ailing me. I have turned my energy to exercise, to positive affirmations. I have gone full NC over the last month, I have done 180s. I have made my social life a priority and GALed as much as I can. But it is hard, and I feel alone and scared. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I lost a younger brother to a 3 year battle with cancer when I was 16. I know I am falling into self pity. I won't show her this, but it is real and I need to express it.

My W has continued to be super pleasant and gracious with me when we communicate about logistical stuff via text. There is no hostility at all. But nor is there any pursuit. She clearly still thinks that she can fill the void in her life with new activities, new friends, maybe an EA. (I have no evidence, nothing suspicious, nothing to base it on other than my paranoid brain).

On Tuesday I am doing a training course at the rock-climbing gym. It is at a time that she is always there on Tuesdays. I am thinking that I should send her a text just to tell her that I am doing it and will be there. Nothing more. Just a heads-up so as not to surprise her, or make it look like pursuit. Thoughts?

Also next Saturday there is a big party that friends are throwing to raise money for a cause. The people that are throwing it are my main social group, but they are also friends of the W, and she is one of the hosts. I would love to go to this party, but I think she might see it as pursuit, rather than me GALing. I also know that if I skip it, I will have nobody to hang out with, nobody to distract me and I will fixate on it. Any ideas there?

Finally, if any of the WAWs or WWs like Artista, Vanilla, or Sandy could chime in with some words of wisdom I would be super appreciative. I feel like I am doing everything right but days like today are tough and cause me to question the point of all this.

[LoneWlf]

Davide- as for the highs ride them as long as possible. For days like this cut yourself some slack. Show some self care be aware of your emotions but don't dwell on them . This too shall pass. Funny how I can say this and then feel the exact same way in the next couple of days./ Stay positive - be strong and steady and Stay well!!

[Ste7e]

Davide you are doing a phenomenal job way more consistant than me you are an inspiration
Feel what you need to feel get it out of your system dont let it poison you and dont beat yourself for being a human with real emotions unlike your W

[Ste7e]

Also I say yes text her short and to the point to let her know you will be at rock gym
And do not go to Charity event but make a donation

[Max123]

Hi David you're a champ at this... you're an inspiration sticking to all the rules and GAL.... you're on track and as the experts say irrespective of what your W and you eventually decide you will be stronger because of this. Journeying.... takes time and patience. Let her continue with her journey finding herself and you continue with yours.

Yay for the rock climb... don't text to say you'll be there .... just act as if...best she gets used to seeing you around.
Nay for party....just stay in your lane... in my view will be an awkward evening for both rather leave out,,

[Davide]

Thanks guys. Today has been the hardest in a while. I feel weak and hopeless.

Can you any experts weigh in on the rock climbing? I really feel like if I show up without warning to somewhere I know she will be that will look like pursuit. But I also know that my head isn't screwed on right today

[Maika]

I wouldn't text her about the climbing. I believe in the attitude - I don't have to explain myself to her about what I am doing, where I am going, and who I am with.

What is the purpose of sending her that message? So, she feels less awkward? Who give a $hit! You're assuming she's going to feel weird, but maybe she doesn't give a crap about it.

I see this with folks who are just figuring out DBing and getting a handle on themselves - wanting to reach out. You're probably not wanting to do this with the intention, but at some level you want to see what her reaction will be and if you can glean anything from her reaction about how she feels about you.

Just let it go! She gave up the right to know about whatever you're doing when she ended things.

Also, such a message comes across as needy. You're doing what you're doing and that's that. I am sure she assumes she'll probably run into you somewhere. Are you going to text her if she might be at a fav bar, restaurant, game whatever, so that it's not awkward for her? C'mon!

Go live your life and do what you need to do. I know I just smacked you upside the head, but you asked, and that's what these forums are for.

You're not doing yourself any favors by worrying about her and her reactions.