A couple things I forgot to mention in my earlier post...
W asked why I didn't respond to her text yesterday when she said she hoped I was having a good day. I told her I just didn't. She asked if someone else would have sent me the same text if I would have responded. I told her I wouldn't have, which is the truth...
W asked if I was awake last night when she called. I wasn't. She said she couldn't sleep and was driving around and noticed that the garage door was opened, so she assumed I was awake. Not sure what that's all about...
W asked about a mutual friend of ours (or used to be mutual, he doesn't talk to W anymore bc he doesn't agree with her current behavior). I told her I talk to him regularly. She noticed he quit conversing with her and sent a text saying, "I guess we aren't friends anymore?" She said he never responded...
The recurring theme here is that she thinks everyone needs to get back to her about anything and everything. If they don't, she gets mad. I guess it's a control issue on her part combined with her need for attention. If she doesn't get the attention she craves and has no control over getting it, she gets pissy...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
By feeding and interacting, letting her come back and remove things that's enabling.
It's a minimal life support but it is keeping WW from rock bottom and making that rock bottom a further depth.
V
I get what you're saying, and I would have rather been gone today and avoided the whole situation...
I'm not sure there's much I can do right now. She's legally still allowed to be at the house because it's the marital home. Until the paperwork goes through in a couple of weeks, I can't keep her out. The police she has brought over several times have said the same. I'm also not legally allowed to keep the children away from her either. She still has full parental rights until a court decides otherwise. Until we file the paperwork, I feel as though my hands are tied. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of the kids by not letting her in. We were all outside when she showed up, so the option of just not answering the door wasn't there. She wanted to see the kids for a bit, and they've all been asking to see her a lot the past couple days. I didn't want to deny them seeing their mom for what little tinme she does decide to show up. I also don't want things to be held against me when we do go to court. She'll twist things around and say that she's been trying to see the kids, but I won't let her. I'm afraid that would make me look bad. I think I'm better off allowing her in to see them once a week for the 20 minutes she shows up and keep documenting her absence in their day to day lives and extracurricular activities. I want the court to see that she's not around by her own choice, not that I keep them from her...
As far as taking the food and decorations, it was all stuff I didn't want anyway and I didn't see it as being necessary to get into a fight in front of the kids over stuff I don't want. It's not like she's starving either. She gets more benefits in food stamps than she can spend anyway. The expired jar of organic almond butter was just taking up space. I know I probably just should have told her no, but it didn't seem worth it to me at the time to have a yelling match over junk in front of the kids...
Can't wait to have official possession of the house, then I won't have to deal with this because she won't have any legal rights to be here. Then I can just tell her to leave. That if she wants to see the kids, send me a text and set up a time, and she can pick them up...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
When dealing with an addict, you always have to expect the unexpected. Very well could have been she was hoping you'd say she could stay there. But remember, desperation <> reconciling. Likely she'd be looking for Plan A.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I mean for right now you are Plan B. She can't afford the apartment. OM isn't letting her live there. Even crazy enabling uncle has limits to the financial help he'll provide. SO she comes slinking back not because she wants to but because she has no where else to go. So while she is there she has one foot out the door looking for someone else to be her Plan A. Someone else that will enable her to be out of your house and back to her WW ways. Someone that will financially support her that isn't mtb.
So while the temptation to let her come back might be strong, it doesn't mean that she is "back", only that she needs to bide her time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So while the temptation to let her come back might be strong, it doesn't mean that she is "back", only that she needs to bide her time.
Yeah, I was fooled into this back in March when she came back to "work on things". Signed her lease the day before, "Just in vase things didn't work out". Spent the next few weeks cleaning and furnishing the place and then bailed. During her few weeks here, she was never really here. She never even tried to work on things. When I told her this as she left, her response was, "I tried to try" Tried to try? Give me a break. You either try or you don't. I'm not gonna fall for that again...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
OH boy, the old I wanted to want to try. Typical WW wording. Heard that from my W after both of her EAs. It is like it is an excuse to NOT try.
They know saying "I want to try" put the onus on them to try. But by extracting it one level further, then they can either justify doing nothing, or justify having done nothing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
