Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[Nutcrac]

Sandi / joejoe1 / Experts,

I signed my paperwork a long time ago. I don't think Wife still hasn't submitted the papers to lawyer. I have no idea whats going on either. I have no contact with her as well. Any suggestions?

[AnotherStander]

I signed the dissolution papers and dropped off at my wife doorstep on 5/1 Afternoon. Wife called twice that evening (i didnt pick up) and even texted me asking to casually speak with me. I asked what is it was regarding? She said she wanted to talk to me casually and if i am uninterested thats totally fine and said take care.
I said everytime her casual talks have a way of rising my Blood pressure. And insisted she specify the subject of conversation , i would later choose to talk to her. I said i am done playing with her games as well. She didnt respond.

Are you hoping to reconcile at some point? If so, then if she asks to talk then do talk to her. The timing is interesting that she wants to have this talk right after you signed the papers, perhaps she's getting cold feet about the dissolution. Just remember DB'ing is not being cold and indifferent, it's about LOVINGLY detaching. That means giving her time and space, but if she reaches out to you then it's fine to talk to her.

If you do have a talk with her just listen and validate. Let her do the talking.

I signed my paperwork a long time ago. I don't think Wife still hasn't submitted the papers to lawyer. I have no idea whats going on either. I have no contact with her as well. Any suggestions?

Ask her if she still plans on going through with it. When we say "don't pursue" we don't mean never talk to them ever, we just mean don't ask them on dates, don't make frequent phone calls, don't constantly text them.

[SteveLW]

"I said everytime her casual talks have a way of rising my Blood pressure."

Wow, that is a huge mistake. You are supposed to be detaching which is showing her you are emotionally stable no matter what she says or does. To come out and tell her that casual talks with her has a physical effect on you is just giving it up. You are supposed to be the rock by the shore.

Just my two cents. As AS says if R is your goal and your WAW wants to talk, TALK. Even if it is just mostly listening, acknowledging, and validating her feelings. You missed an opportunity and it could been at a crucial time.

Now, I say all that, don't go crawling back to her begging to have the talk now. Just let it lie, but if and when that opportunity arises again, cease the opportunity. Just be sure to be fresh on the detachment and validation threads.

[Nutcrac]

"I said everytime her casual talks have a way of rising my Blood pressure."

Wow, that is a huge mistake. You are supposed to be detaching which is showing her you are emotionally stable no matter what she says or does. To come out and tell her that casual talks with her has a physical effect on you is just giving it up. You are supposed to be the rock by the shore.

Just my two cents. As AS says if R is your goal and your WAW wants to talk, TALK. Even if it is just mostly listening, acknowledging, and validating her feelings. You missed an opportunity and it could been at a crucial time.

Now, I say all that, don't go crawling back to her begging to have the talk now. Just let it lie, but if and when that opportunity arises again, cease the opportunity. Just be sure to be fresh on the detachment and validation threads.

Steve85 , i understand why u feel negative about this.in my perspective i was right to say that as she has been pounding me for quite sone tine with false accusations. SO I HAD TO STAND MY GROUND.i said that and also told her that I WAS DONE PLAYING HER GAMES.
She did send ne an enail ro cancel car insurance after 2 days which I promptly did.
I have nothing to fear here. I stood my ground for the first time after many years and ready to face the consequences.

[Nutcrac]

AnotherStander / Steve85,

I appreciate your responses. But here is my point of view on the whole stitch. Wife has been consistently pressuring me for divorce and I am the LBH who has moved heaven and earth to save this marriage. I own my share of faults and responsibilities for this marriage. However, my wife has shown little to none in her part to save this marriage. The last time she questioned me why i needed such a long time to sign the financial affidavit? I had just requested 10 days time to think over and she got butterflies in her stomach and said she does not want to delay (Said twice frantically). Instead of arguing, I simply signed the next day and wished her the best. As soon as i let her know, She calls me back blaming me that I was the cause for this marriage to breakdown, and she would have been willing to come back IF I had not sold the furniture at my marital home (BTW, I have been selling them away since our lease is ending and I need to move to an apartment and I cant fit all of them. I told her the same). She again mentioned that she never trusted me and said that I took the step of letting go of this all for my own benefit. (For my OWN BENEFIT??? Seriously???) She hung up the phone and I sent her a text (Which I shouldn't have coz its like pursuing) explaining the reasons why I am selling items and if she really wanted to discuss peacefully I am willing to do that. She was angry and asked me why i need to fix it when it is all over. I reiterated saying if she was unhappy she is free to file the Divorce. ALL the while I have been the LBH and making every effort to save this marriage and she has seen hardly any or none of it? Give me a break!
Even when she came to pick up her stuff, she returned all the wedding anniversary gifts that I had gifted her along with some store return items, she had borrowed from me , despite telling her that I dont need them back. I promptly asked her to leave it at the dumpster as I am NOT her RETURN AGENT! she got upset and said she can do the same thing throwing the stuff she has come to pick up. I smilingly said those are her items and she can do as she wishes! I took the home keys as well from her. She took one last look at the small bed I was sleeping in the living room and left.(Not sure why - It definitely does remind her of her brothers miseries when he went through his divorce as he was sleeping like that as well). The very same evening I receive the Divorce (Dissolution) documents by email.
So she has this kind of a vindictive behavior and anger towards me and continues to show this.
Hence, the very next day, I went to my attorney, got this notarized and as promised I did not contest for anything from her(I could have easily taken 50% of her 401K and have 2 years spousal support). The very afternoon, I left the papers at her doorstep while she was at work and texted her saying the same.
The evening I get 2 calls missed calls 15 minutes apart. She sends me a text asking to talk Casually. I asked what it was regarding? She says she wants to talk casually and if i didnt want to talk its fine and said "Take Care".
Based on her past behavior, I simply responded saying - her casual talks have caused my BP to rise. If she has anything specific to talk let me know the subject, I will talk if I CHOSE to talk. and that i am an X year old male who is dont playing games with her. She did not respond after that.
Remember - I did NOT Say i don't want to talk to her, I simply asked her to let me know the subject so we can be specific to it. She has done these tricks many times where she is emotional and then suddenly turns aggressive and negative. She has been going back and forth a long time. I simply wanted to be done with all that so she realizes what she is doing. Even now, If she wants to talk, I am ready.
For a very long period of time, I have beem nervous acting like a chiken and being the Nice Guy (I hate it) for her and fulfill all her wishes. So experts tell me, If I stood my ground once and set my expectations on what I wanted, what is wrong with that? I was NOT harsh or rude like the way she was towards me. I have been humble pretty much my entire life. I signed the divorce papers and I should act like a person who has signed it. Now If she really wants me back, don't you think it is her duty to do the due diligence to at least put 1% effort in working towards having me back.
Please explain me where and what I did was wrong here. Any feedback (Possitive / Negative) / Criticisms are welcome!

[Nutcrac]

Guess i was wrong all the time.. the papers have been filed with the court 3 days ago. I accidently got to know through my attorney as he went into the county register and pulled the docket. And the final hearing date is also set.

This means i was not even worthy of being informed by my spouse that the papers were filed by her with the court.
However a car insurance cancel date is more important for her than a divorce filing date.
I guess thats how relatiinships end. And that is what this relationship was worthy of. And this was what i was worthy of for my spouse. I wish everyone in this forum the very best of luck and good look in their endeavors.

[Nutcrac]

Sent a text to my wife asking letting her know that i received court hearing date and thanked her.
Also asked if she had anything to discuss since she had asked to casually talk the other day. She said she didnt want to disturb my health and peace. Wished me happiness.
I told her not to take the literal context of what i mentioned the other day. She still said she has nothing left to say. I did not respomd to her back.

[Nutcrac]

My about to be Exed wife texts me askimg about my move and packing (i am vacating my marital home). I was vague in response. She said that its difficult for the both of us and let her know if i need any help. I said that i was doing fine and that i dont need any help. She calls me later in the evening and casually talks to me and told she liked me for many things but honestly hates me for certain things. I simply listened and we were done with the call. For the past 3 days she is keeping tabs on me and messaging once a day or trying to reach asking me how i was doing and all. Whenever she called i tried to ignore mostly and texted one word responses. She calls me yesterday again and was emotional saying that i am not contesting anything in this marraige (by law i could take upwards 150k from her as she earns more than I) but i simply didnt. I clearly said i dont need it and wished her luck. She said i can take that money even if we are divorced. I said that is beyond one self respect and the last thing i would do even if i die. She started giving me investment advices and how I should handle my money in future and i stopped her right there saying i dont need any advices from her. And said that hopefully that was the last conversation we would have before divorce. She apologized and we hung up the phone.
The next day she calls me early morning at 5 , i didnt pick up and she left a text saying she feels like talking something to me and promised she wont bother me again once i move out. This is the 4th day she texted me since the day she said she didn't have anything to say. I was intrigued and later in the day i texted her giving an ultimatum saying that i did not wanted any of this. However on july 6th the relationship will come to an end and we need to stick to official divorce matters unless she calls off divorce. However this one last time i would allow her to talk to me. Whether she wishes to talk or not i wished her the very best in life.
That evening she saw the text and called me furious and said she will abide by what i said. She has many questions in mind she will never get answers to. She challenged me if i ever liked her. She asked why i took her to parents to get her insulted. She said me and my parents indirectly forced her in this divorce although she didnt want it. She didn't give a chance for me to speak up and hung up. I texted after a while that she was crazy in saying such things and if she wanted to make proper decisions with good mindset she is welcome to call me and talk like adults. She said she is left with nothing to say as I decided that today was the last call. I reiterated about talking like adults to make proper decisions. She texted that she wants to abide by her decision and she will never contact me again and expected me to do the same. I did not respond back.

[Nutcrac]

Does any expert care to chime in and provide your tboughts/feedback here?

[Davide]

It sounds like your wife is struggling with the finality of the situation, like she is confused and hurt and lashing out at you.

I think you need to not react to her emotionality. Detached friendliness is best. Do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your kids. Remember you are the lighthouse.

I am no expert but I wish you the best. It sounds tough to bear, but you are strong enough to do it. Hang in there.