Steve, I do provide information in my posts that show how I analyze internally this stuff/ask questions to everyone here...but honest to goodness last night I really didn't care...because it was just so much BS. I wasn't confused nor angry...I was laughing at how ridiculous it was. The only thing I didn't do was as Stander had said and told her exactly how ridiculous what she was saying was.
just got 2 pics of my D. W says she very sad we couldn't work even if she thinks I doubt that.
comments on hanlding that one?
I wouldn't even respond. Seems like bait. She wants to know if you're still attached...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
meh so I replied saying I have no idea what to think right now. She said it all [censored], I said I agree.
Remember, she is being driven by feelings. Nothing else. Thinking. Having an idea. Having an inkling that even makes sense. None of that even matters to her right now.
The good news is that those feelings can change. That is what DBing is all about is getting the WAW's feelings to change. You can't tell someone how to feel, but you can make changes that their feelings can respond to.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have like 9+ months before anybody could file tough to hear her feel we are already over
Stopped at our favorite dive bar coming home today had not been in years felt ghosts and memories from when our love was young saw an old friend which made the trip all worth it
so last night was thankfully quiet. in the heat of our convo from the previous night when I told her I did not want a divorce and she said phone records prove otherwise, I simply replied LOL. I didn't feel confused/angry, but amazement she could think that. I'm trying to learn here with this ask...was what I said ok? I mean for sure it was my authentic reaction, BUT should I have said "I am not seeing anyone"? Should I have nipped her crazy in the bud or to let her wonder with the LOL? She basically implied that since she believes I am seeing others, she can/will do the same. Obviously I can't control whether she does or not, but again wanting to learn, could I have provided a better response.
Meeting an L tomorrow as an educational/prepare appt and then MC on Friday. Much has happened in the last 2 weeks since we last met. W will have our D for the long weekend going to her sister's so much time for me to GAL. My I'm done comment and her belief I'm seeing others I think has in less than 3 months got her feeling we're over. with her saying how sad she was yesterday we couldn't work, no lie I'm wanting to say to her "we don't have to be done, there is much time for us that remains"
guidance requested...again trying to LEARN but hey I'll always take a 2x4...
Her thinking you are in an A is her guilt. When she is ready she will ask you directly are you seeing someone else. At that moment, you can say something like, "I'm working to heal myself." If she presses you, Say, "why would you think, I'm seeing someone else, I'm a great man" Don't bring in what she has done or compare yourself to her. By saying something like. "I'm not you, why would you think I would do something like that." Keep your comments about you and your journey.
You W is trying to keep you attached to keep her fantasy going. But when she realize you are truly done, she will have to come to you with true/honest feelings. She will come to you remorseful and asking you to take her back.
These Sitch takes time, she will try a few tricks to keep you attached. WS are selfish and will do anything to try to manipulate their LBS. Once they see their manipulation wearing off, they first get mean, then indifferent, ambivalent and then sad. The WWs go thru cycles as well.
Keep up the hard work. You are doing good.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
This is the #1 enemy of DB -- being impulsive, or doing what you think is intuitive. If W texts you, you do *not* need to respond. In fact sometimes you shouldn't. You want her to wonder what you're doing and what you're thinking. That is GOOD for you. If you give her resolution by answering her question, she's no longer thinking or wondering about you.
Originally Posted By: ballast
She basically implied that since she believes I am seeing others, she can/will do the same.
Pffft. Accusing you of seeing others was crazy-making. It is a no-win situation for you and the best response is to dismiss it. Once again, remember that right now she wants out and does not want to be the bad guy, so she's going to invent reasons that she is the victim here, and then seek *any* evidence that will support that. Calls I don't recognize on the phone bill? He must be cheating on me. Therefore, I'm the victim and am in the right to leave, he did this to me.
Why would you buy into that?
The other thing to be aware of is that cheaters are paranoid. When people start cheating and sneaking around, they begin to worry that everyone is doing that, and they can also project their own guilt onto you. If they're doing it, it can be okay if you're doing it too, or if you did it first, or if you did it worse.
I'm not saying your W is cheating, she may not be at all, but accusing the LBS of cheating is a very common thing for cheaters to do.
A few key points here: (1) there was no good response to her accusations, the only way to win that is not to play.
(2) even if you were seeing other people, that does not excuse or justify her cheating on you. We all take vows, we all need to live with integrity. Our integrity is not contingent upon what the other person does.
Originally Posted By: ballast
My I'm done comment and her belief I'm seeing others I think has in less than 3 months got her feeling we're over. with her saying how sad she was yesterday we couldn't work, no lie I'm wanting to say to her "we don't have to be done, there is much time for us that remains"
False, you're buying into her gaslighting. (Gaslighting: verb, manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity)
She's promoting a narrative that YOU are the one driving this separation, not her, and now you're buying into it by convincing yourself that one sentence uttered in one encounter, combined with your phone bill, is somehow responsible for her leaving.
You are NOT pushing her to take these actions, these are HER decisions, and she needs to own them. Don't for a minute let her off the hook by taking responsibility for her failure to work on this marriage. That is on HER, not on you.
Do NOT remind her that you're willing to work on it. That's the equivalent of the high school nerd chasing the cheerleader by doing her homework and buying her flowers while she dates the football player.
At this point SHE needs to convince YOU to work on this, because YOU are the one that rocks and are living an amazing life, and you DO NOT need her to be happy. You have happiness yourself, and it would be a blessing for her to be able to share it. That needs to be your mindset.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
