My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[ovrrnbw]

I wanted to give an update from last night. Last night, WW came home, and then into the bedroom pretty late. I was pretty tired and had just gotten off the phone with my sister. She accused me of being selfish and controlling by sleeping in the master the last few days. She told me that she knows that I know that she does not want to sleep in the same bed. I basically just validated her feelings, but a couple of times I did start to argue. I think I need to keep my cool and discuss any disagreements from a position of love, instead of anger or fear of being left. But I strongly disagreed that I was being controlling and selfish.

She continued on to say I hate women, or maybe everyone, and that her parents thought that I was trying to do "something" by going back to the master bedroom. Again, I can't trust what she says, but it sounds like she is trying to get her parents "on her side". If her parents really did say this, they are totally ignoring her affair. Her mom told me that if her husband treated her as I treated WW, that she would thrown his stuff out of the house the next day. I am still curious how she would handle him having an affair - and how she thinks I should. I don't think I need to be initiating many convos with them just yet.

WW also stated that I was trying to "make life hard on her". That isn't true, but I'm not sure how to be a loving husband and take care of her, while she is trying to have her cake and eat it too (with the affair). I think I discussed this some with my counselor, who said you can be the strong, kind, approachable person she needs. She left the room and came back two more times to discuss selling her car and then selling the house. I don't think WW is sincere about her desire to sell the house, other than to run away from me. We've needed a mower, needed to rebuild a retaining wall, repaint some spots, need to keep the house clean and picked up on a daily basis, and need a lockbox or someone home on weekends to show the house. Since she knows all these things, but isn't doing them, I have come to this conclusion.

Those conversations went okay. Ultimately, I think she (and her parents) know why I'm in the master. She is having an affair, and I'm not going to be her little beta and bend over backwards to make her life as easy as it can be. If she doesn't want to sleep in the master, that is her choice, but I didn't force her to choose that. I think I need to set some boundaries with WW, and tell her "I can't talk about this right now" when it's late and I'm tired. I just think it's too easy to say something I don't want to say.

[AnotherStander]

She accused me of being selfish and controlling by sleeping in the master the last few days.

In what world is sleeping in your own bed "selfish". I would argue that perhaps, just maybe, SHE is the one who is selfish given that she's having an affair and wants out of the marriage commitment she made.

She told me that she knows that I know that she does not want to sleep in the same bed. I basically just validated her feelings, but a couple of times I did start to argue.

I'm all for validating when it's appropriate, but she's a WW not a WAS and you've got to take more of a tough-love approach with her. Just tell her that she is the one that chose to end the M and engage in an affair and if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you then that is HER CHOICE.

She continued on to say I hate women, or maybe everyone, and that her parents thought that I was trying to do "something" by going back to the master bedroom.

Response: "Now you are just being childish, this conversation is over."

Again, I can't trust what she says, but it sounds like she is trying to get her parents "on her side".

Of course she is. That's what WW's do. They gather everyone they can to their cause, it makes them feel like their actions are justified. Your response? Conduct yourself with dignity at all times. Ignore her petty accusations, don't engage. Shut her down when she says ridiculous things. Your actions will speak much louder than her words. Expect her parents to side with her, no matter how crazy she gets she is still their daughter. That's just going to happen.

If her parents really did say this, they are totally ignoring her affair. Her mom told me that if her husband treated her as I treated WW, that she would thrown his stuff out of the house the next day. I am still curious how she would handle him having an affair - and how she thinks I should. I don't think I need to be initiating many convos with them just yet.

No, you need to avoid talking to them about anything except the weather. If they ask about your M just say you're working on things and leave it at that.

WW also stated that I was trying to "make life hard on her". That isn't true, but I'm not sure how to be a loving husband and take care of her, while she is trying to have her cake and eat it too (with the affair).

She is making life hard on her and everyone else. But she needs to deflect guilt and blame onto someone else, and guess who is the most convenient target. Look forget about being a loving husband right now, you can't do that while she's in an A.

If she doesn't want to sleep in the master, that is her choice, but I didn't force her to choose that.

EXACTLY!!!

I think I need to set some boundaries with WW, and tell her "I can't talk about this right now" when it's late and I'm tired. I just think it's too easy to say something I don't want to say.

Yes, good idea!

[ovrrnbw]

MF'n heated right now. My sister just showed me a pic WW and OM on snapchat. Just needed to vent. Obviously I wish I would have really hurt this guy when I confronted this situation. I could have too. He could be prepared for it and it wouldn't make even a little difference.

I want to do about a million visceral, vain reactions to make her look like [censored]. Hopefully her sister sees this stuff and sends it along to mom and dad. I'm done being the tattletale. I remember her dad telling me that WW "would never do anything like that" when expressed concern that there might be someone else. I already knew, but didn't want to come out and say it yet.

But to hell with cleaning up one more dish or validating an idea. Want to be a whore? Well guess what? That's wrong. She hasn't even filed for D or separation...2.5 months in after BD, why hasn't she filed? She actually suggested that we trade in our nice vehicle for a lesser vehicle so that we could have more wiggle room on the loan. Why in the holy hell would I buy another vehicle with her? Totally living in lala land.

I don't believe in divorce. I believe this is a hard time, one of the hard times I agreed to be true through. But god dang if divorce isn't tempting right now.

[SteveLW]

Remember, there are hard times and then there is breaking your vows. She is breaking her vows. PAs are grounds for divorce in almost every culture. So I admire your pro marriage stance. But no one would blame you for divorcing her for adultery.

[joejoe1]

Stay calm. Breath! Go for a long walk.

Now, you have proof your W is cake eating. Take time gather your thoughts. Don't make any hasty decisions.

It's time to detach. Please don't bring her family into this. I'm glad to hear you are going to stop telling.

You can detach, remember to do it with love. You want to show her the best version of you ever. Stop arguing with her.

Get out the house and GAL. It's Friday. Start enjoying your life.

Most of us have been where you are at. GAL, GAL, GAL. Go get some new clothes, smell good and shoes.

IMO, you are going to have to confront your W about the picture. Do it with confidence, love, and calm.

I would say, "I saw a picture of you and OM, I will not be any person's second. I will not live in a M sharing my W". If she tries to say they are friends and it was a friendly picture. You say, "I don't care, it's wrong and unacceptable". Leave the convo right after that statement. Don't let her try to justify herself. Tell her you don't want to Talk anymore tonight. Let her chew on your statements overnight. Don't give any ultimatums yet. I dont think you are ready for those yet.

This process will take patience.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey joejoe1, I already had the proof of what she was doing (unfortunately). I've been detaching.

Her family already knows she has been doing this, but since going full LRT 2.5 weeks ago, I haven't spoken with them but once. I'm not going to initiate a convo with them.

I've been doing the GAL thing. It's been great for me, definitely feeling better and stronger mentally. WW asked several times last week where I was with and who I was with.

Also, I know that another week has gone by without her filing for D. I have a theory that she doesn't want to do it. She is still trying to hurt me, control me, and she sees herself as the victim. I think she is trying to do all this stuff to get me to file, or the WW has no clue what she wants to do. What is she waiting for? I can't think why else you'd wait. She is definitely running from the pain, the marriage. She is doing like a high schooler too: "tell H 'it's over', officially shack up with new BF, problem solved!".

Running from the pain is kind of her MO. She never dealt with the trauma that she went through (that was mentioned page 1). I have a feeling it happened in the spring, now that I reread her St. Valentine's card. She mentioned the time of the year, and how great it was, because that's when we met and some memories. But now I wonder if she was overcompensating because of the pain of that trauma she never got over. I know she didn't get over that pain, because she gave me her journal entry from 1 year ago around the beginning of April. This was the entry where she stated she wishes we could talk about it sometime, but always chickened out.

How long can her little happy world continue to exist? There are a few people that know what's going on as far as her affair, and I know everyone can see the desperation on her social media. Posting frequency, pictures, just pretending she is living a perfect life. I don't have any of that social media, but it was something my sister and I discussed. I know the one friend of hers I told is paying attention, as is WW's sister (who is probably just as lost on what the hell is going on). I'm sure my sister in law sees this stuff and it makes it back to my in laws. The fantasy world she created is under constant assault by all of the normal things that pop up that married couples have to deal with. It's all been brushed under the rug for 2 months, so it is piling up. And, at some point, is the OM going to tire of her not filing, listening to her marriage problems (b/c I sure haven't heard many - I'm GAL)? OM and his family are pretty trashy, again letting a married woman in the family home where momma's boy stays. Maybe they'll never care because trash is trash.

With the holiday weekend coming, I'm sure that's going to evoke some emotion. Holiday weekends are big weekends or her family, and going to a certain place where we have second homes. WW is probably not going to have any come with her to this place, because most of her friends don't care about going there. And WW's 2 closest friends are waitresses, they're probably working anyways. OM wouldn't be allowed, although I'mm not ruling out him going there and her going out to see him a couple times. Because of this, she is going to have sometime alone with family that I think is going to feel awkward and sad for her. There is a small chance WW doesn't go, but that would majorly rocking the boat in her side of the family.

I've thought about filing for D myself 2 times, only briefly. I am going to see my priest and talk to him more. I just need to keep my resolve on repairing this marriage and not waffle, even in my head, about what I want Thank you guys for reading and responding, it really helps me a lot.

[joejoe1]

Ovr,

You want her fantasy to come crashing down. We all want that, but you are putting to much thought in what if. You have to focus and worry about you. WW arent logical, they don't think, act, react in a logical way. The more you think certain things going to shake her the more you might be setting yourself up for disappointment if it doesnt happen.

Yeah the mess under the rug is pilling up, but you would be amazed how high they will let it go.

You are doing good with your GAL and WWs almost all the time affair down. Her A is not about the other person, it's about her frame of mind. The OP is there to fulfill her fantasy, to give her feel good moments. But when you pull away, she has to deal/live with that OP not having the potential their S has. The WS has to live with being with a person they are not truly in love with.

Be patient! Enjoy this upcoming holiday weekend.

[ovrrnbw]

Ovr,

You want her fantasy to come crashing down. We all want that, but you are putting to much thought in what if. You have to focus and worry about you. WW arent logical, they don't think, act, react in a logical way. The more you think certain things going to shake her the more you might be setting yourself up for disappointment if it doesnt happen.

Yeah the mess under the rug is pilling up, but you would be amazed how high they will let it go.

You are doing good with your GAL and WWs almost all the time affair down. Her A is not about the other person, it's about her frame of mind. The OP is there to fulfill her fantasy, to give her feel good moments. But when you pull away, she has to deal/live with that OP not having the potential their S has. The WS has to live with being with a person they are not truly in love with.

Be patient! Enjoy this upcoming holiday weekend.

Joejoe, what's the bolded part mean?

You're definitely right that I do need to refocus on myself, I'll keep that in mind.

[joejoe1]

Ovr,

I didn't even realized I Bolden that. But maybe its a sign to you. It means that the WS most of the time choose a person that does not equal up to thier spouse. They choose a person that's given them 20% not realizing they are losing 80%. The only way for them to realize the difference in the percentage is for them to lose that 80 or see themselves losing the 80.

In order for that to happen the LBS has to detach with love. That's what becoming a person only a fool would leave is all about. Showing them that 80 percent leaving.

You have to stop putting all your attention on her and work on you. Show her what a great man you are, not out of revenge but out of you learning what you have done wrong and now you are fixing those faults in yourself.

Keep up the hard work. Don't do things to try and fix, show, or get back at your W. She's on her on journey, and time, karma, and reality will do it's job. And all three of those items, need you to be out of the way for them to do what they need to do.

Look up the three levels of love.

Eros love - known as "erotic love". It is based on strong feelings toward another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman "romantic" relationship.

Philos love - a love based on friendship between two people.

Agape - unconditional love

The third and highest type of love is "agape", or unconditional love.

Agape love is above philos love and eros love. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit).

A person in an A, is in Eros love. Eros love never last. Eros love is selfish type of love. Agape is the love you will give your S. That love is hard to replicate. It take years to form.

You are doing good.

[ovrrnbw]

Thanks joejoe. I actually bolded it when I quoted it to make it easy to know what I was referencing. I studied those types of love in Catholic school.

I am working on myself, reading about my situation, geting counseling, reflecting, thinking, talking to my priest, sister, mother. And when I need a break from the serious I GAL.

Today, WW gets home from OM's and texts me "What should we do about the grass". I have told we need to get a mower and to leave some cash for me (she works for cash) at least 3 times including once in the few days. The grass is tall. I already borrowed a mower twice.

Now that WW is home from OM's house, she "needs me". Yea, no.