Your WH is abusive in his attitude, in such a way as would make my hair curl (if it wasn't already).
I am not keen on labels and as the DSM has character disorders listed then sociopathic would cover the whole cluster all the way to anti social ( in old money a psychopath). In the same way that you call a dog a mammal. Sociopath is the overarching cluster.
If nothing else strikes you as targeted to cause damage then the comments about your child (not his) make the blood in my veins run icy cold. This would put me on notice of potential harm to this precious child. High risk of a cold hearted father.
I don't give advice just my views and they are very similar to juju. Except I will say it stronger, now this man has gone, lock and bolt the gate to everything including your heart.
The things said can never be unsaid. And please no forgiveness for this, he hasn't asked and hasn't atoned in any way.
Be safe, this man isn't behaving like a warm generous father more like a bear wanting to cull.
Be strong and be safe
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have read most of your sitch, but have not known how to reply to you. I am terribly sorry for you and your D, and for what he has put you through. I know how awful and devastating it can be! I am glad you have been able to move on to a better location and are creating a new life for you and D. That takes a lot of courage and strength.
Here we often focus on DB here and how to better follow the rules. I think a lot of advice we give is based on those rules and the sound advice from MWD in her books. I do agree we all have to keep a beginners mind set, focus on ourselves, and to set them free. In time we hope that as we become our better self, they will see what they are missing, be redrawn back to us and then we can start something over. The thing we don't talk about as much is if that person has also soul-searched, and really changed, and is actually worthy of our love and forgiveness. They not only have to be accountable for the destruction they have caused, and remorseful for the way they have hurt their S and kids, but they have to commit to changing themselves. Every day.
What I read the other posters saying is that your H is not showing any signs of this, and it seems unlikely he will. So even if your friends/family are right, and he does second guess himself and come back, it is unlikey he will do the hard work required (have the insight, strength and commitment) to change into a good man. Nicole, you deserve a good man. Your D deserves a good father and to see a man treat her mother with dignity and respect. What kind of man do you want for your D to end up with? Because she is watching your every move.
I don't know your H. I only know what you have described here. Some of what you describe is that of a man that is selfish, entitled, and who also is controlling and manipulative. To keep a large house for himself and his affairs, while his W and D are in a smaller space, it cruel. He shows no respect or remorse for his own W. He does not prioritize time with his own D. Comments he has made are just ugly. The way he helped you move and then picked a gift, even that looks controlling. A good man would ask how he can help, what he can buy, and then LISTEN to her answer. He comes and goes as he pleases with little regard for your feelings.
I also do not think this is any more justified because of his culture. My own father immigrated from the middle east, married my mom, had us kids, and then they D when we were young. My dad gave my mom the big house, paid large child support, worked long hours and still saw us kids almost every day. He lived in a small rental house to make this work. He wasn't perfect, but he was a great dad and I respect what he did so much. I don't recall him ever mistreating my mom either.
This may all sound harsh, and I am sorry for that. I am not here to be mean or judge anyone else, but I am calling it like I see it. I honestly hope for you that he does not try and come back. I also hope if he does, you tell him no thank you. You deserve so much more than someone like this. Your D deserves to see her mom loved and respected. There are plenty of good men out there. Just read the threads here; these men love and honor their W and family and are willing to change. I think this is what we are all trying to say to you, just in different words. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
The thing we don't talk about as much is if that person has also soul-searched, and really changed, and is actually worthy of our love and forgiveness. They not only have to be accountable for the destruction they have caused, and remorseful for the way they have hurt their S and kids, but they have to commit to changing themselves. Every day.
This is the best and most accurate thing I've read here in a while. There is no back to the status quo or how things were. It's just impossible and if there isn't a serious commitment to change by the WW/WH/WAW, and a clear demonstration of it, it's not worth it. At all.
Thank you so much for your responses. I've been trying to get back here all week to respond to each one. I hope tonight will be the night. You all offered so many excellent points and things to consider. I look forward to continuing the conversation!
The thing we don't talk about as much is if that person has also soul-searched, and really changed, and is actually worthy of our love and forgiveness. They not only have to be accountable for the destruction they have caused, and remorseful for the way they have hurt their S and kids, but they have to commit to changing themselves. Every day.
This ^^^^^^^.
As much as I miss my wife, this is pretty much why I'm ok with moving forward with the divorce. I get none of this from her, and doubt I ever will.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, that is understandable. Sorry everyone I fell asleep last night - my daughter was sick and then I got sick, started to get better, and then got worse again. I'll keep trying to write a full post because there's a lot to say not just about my situation but about all of us in general.
Hi Everyone, it may take a few attempts to get caught up but starting with New2Nev's message on April 29th:
New2Nev - thanks for taking the time to share those comments. I agree with them all so there's not much to say in response except my husband was upset about the consulting position because the rate isn't as high as his as a physician, although it's still well above average. I think my husband is angry due to guilt and because my daughter and I are still a burden or barrier to my husband's freedom. Who knows.
Vanilla, in response to your message from 29/4 (as you'd write it in the UK), no, of course I don't want to be plan b or be married to a serial cheater. I'm aware that there are endless OW in the world. It's not quite so easy though since we have a daughter and need to cooperate together for years to come while she grows up, not to mention how much I invested in my husband's career and into bringing his family here. We also had a lot of wonderful times together too. He was never even remotely abusive until he left the first time and even then it depends on how you categorize abuse. I'd say neglect and indifference are the most accurate words followed by verbal anger at being 'trapped' by marriage.
Steve85, there are lots of men out there but there are only a handful in my life that appealed to me and I only had one long-term relationship before I met my husband that started out as friendship. I never went on a 'date' in my life. In my husband's country dating is forbidden. So I have no idea how I'd meet someone especially considering when you have kids you can't just move anywhere you like so it would have to be someone close by and fit a number of other criteria. It seems like such a remote chance and risk to think of someone new. I just can't imagine anyone else....
Arsh18, how are you doing lately? I haven't seen any updates from you. Yes I'm trying to get through each day and hope you are as well.
Steve85 - in response to your message from 5/10 - yes I have faith-based principles as well although sometimes I'm more on the forgiveness side and other times I'm on the justice side. I'm open to forgiving my husband someday if he's truly sorry but other times I wish there could be more justice on our planet for those who abandon their families for illegitimate relationships with other people.
Amazona and Caz - thanks so much. Caz, how are you doing? It would be nice if you could post an update.
AnotherStander, it's good to know your interpretation matches my own.
KML - there's no sign my husband will come back. Bear in mind this is the second time he left so I learned from my mistakes the first time he returned, so it would be a long, long process if he wanted to try again this time.
Ginger - my husband said that statement in a fit of rage on the day he wanted to get divorced. He's never been such a monster before in the eleven years I've known him. He was unrecognizable that day. I just don't know. It's not that I forgive him or don't forgive him but I know that statement isn't true because my husband has made references of the opposite nature about our daughter perhaps 1,000 or more times such as "she's the only thing good in my life; I love her more than anything; I can't live one day without her...." He's recently started acting normal again and saying how great our daughter is, how much he misses her, and how she's the best thing in his life. I do wish to confront him about his bad statement someday, no matter what happens, and ask for a sincere apology because it's so traumatizing to remember he said that.
Steve85, I'll get to the sociopath part soon.
Maika, my husband has failed as a husband and father. I let him go in the sense that I moved and started my own life and I no longer call him or expect him to return. On the other hand, he's still our daughter's father whether I want that or not. She deserves someone who will do anything for her but what she has is my husband. What can I do if he's not a great father? I can't cut-off his contact with her and I can't bring him back or change him. I just don't know.
JujuB, what you say is true although it's hard at this stage to see my husband leaving as a gift. I'm starting over right at the time when life is finally supposed to be stable. I'm alone with a child who doesn't deserve to be abandoned by her father. It's hard to see it as a gift. My health has been really bad and I worry a lot about what will happen to my daughter if anything happens to me. As a realist I'd much prefer to stay in an unhappy but functional marriage than to live like this but I have no choice. My husband chose to leave and cheat.
Vanilla, Bluwave, Maika, and Jim, I'll respond to you all tomorrow I hope!
