With partner 16 years married 2 years - 7 children between the 2 of us including our son 14 years old. Relationship has always been up & down - when tempers flared husband would leave, things would calm down & then pattern would repeat. I accept that I played my part in this, tried to be controlling, sacrificed my own needs and expected my husband to make me happy rather than taking responsibility for this myself. September 2017 husband left after a series of blow ups. I got in touch ( by phone) with an ex partner having found out husband was dating. We were still intimate until December 2017.
February husband asked for a divorce which I said I didnt want. He is still seeing somebody else but says it is a casual relationship. He agreed we could meet every 2 weeks for lunch & has suggested we go running together which we used to do. I am trying to implement the 180 and he says I seem a lot happier and calmer I have tried not to talk about the relationship when I see him but rang him 3 times yesterday. He said he still loved me but didnt want to jeopardise his happiness by getting back together and everything following the same pattern.
He says he wants us to be friends and see each other on a regular basis as he enjoys my company. I am trying to get on with my life whilst the divorce is on hold for 18 months but struggle to keep my mouth shut when I see him and not mention if we can have any future. He states that all he can do is tell me how he feels now and that is he can not see things changing but doesnt know what the future holds. Can anyone offer me any tips or words of support? Should I keep seeing him for lunch, going running etc even when he is seeing some body on a casual basis?
Last edited by Cadet; 05/17/1810:09 PM. Reason: restored post
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry to hear your story. From what you wrote it sounds like your husband is still dating another woman. If that is the case, I would go NC. He wants to keep you around on the side as a best friend? That sounds like cake-eating to me.
Whatever you were doing doesn't seem to be working and it sounds like your husband is happy to keep things as they are. I would stop being his bff, stop the running. That is just as much for you as it is for him. It is really hard to detach, let alone when you are seeing him constantly. You need space to focus on yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
We are all here for the same reason- You will meet some wonderful people here that will share your pain and their experiences. The simple message now is Focus you you. Self care and be kind to yourself. It may get harder before it gets easier. Stay well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Are you seeing a counselor to work on your issues? You mentioned being controlling and not taking responsibility for your own emotional states. I can relate, and I think you will see a lot of benefit from focusing on addressing these issues, rather than focusing on whether you are seeing or not seeing your husband.
I found counseling--for me, not my marriage--to be immensely helpful. I'm a stronger, better person, and a better spouse, because of it.
Personally, I'd probably continue running with him, because it will provide good practice for the skills you will be learning in counseling.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
He cancelled going running by text an hour before we were due to go today. Yes I am seeing a new therapist - my previous therapist advised he felt my husband was a narcissist and that he was emotionally abusive so I am now working with somebody new. I have lost contact with friends & family during our relationship & list sight of me so I am trying to get back to the real me.
I am trying to go modified NC again ( we still have to speak about the children).
Interesting. Why do you think you were together so long before getting married? Makes me wonder if your H has trouble with serious commitment?
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Relationship has always been up & down - when tempers flared husband would leave, things would calm down & then pattern would repeat.
So he actually left the house each time? Did he storm out saying he wanted a divorce each time or what? How long before he would return? Just trying to get a feel for the dynamic that's been going on.
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I got in touch ( by phone) with an ex partner having found out husband was dating.
Are you are seeing someone else then, or did I misunderstand?
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February husband asked for a divorce which I said I didnt want. He is still seeing somebody else but says it is a casual relationship.
Sounds like a commitment problem again.
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He agreed we could meet every 2 weeks for lunch & has suggested we go running together which we used to do.
Would probably be best not to pursue this right now. Maybe in many months but it's too soon.
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I am trying to implement the 180 and he says I seem a lot happier and calmer I have tried not to talk about the relationship when I see him but rang him 3 times yesterday.
No frequent phone calls. Only call or text him if you have to do it to coordinate kids' needs or visits.
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I am trying to get on with my life whilst the divorce is on hold for 18 months but struggle to keep my mouth shut when I see him and not mention if we can have any future.
Well just keep in mind that anything he says right now reflects his current feelings, and his current feelings are that he is done. That may change in many months or a year or more, but you've got to be very patient and quit asking because all you're going to get in response is stuff you don't want to hear. The more you ask the more resolute he will be that it's over. But if you quit asking and remove the pressure, then he won't be so sure anymore. Get out and GAL and he'll start wondering why you seem to happy and doing just fine. Then he may worry. He'll temperature check you to try to make sure you're still hanging on as Plan B. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE PLAN B. You deserve better than that. So leave him alone, get out, GAL, get a mani/pedi, change your hair, get a tan, lose weight if you need to, spruce up your wardrobe. Do those things and he WILL start looking back.
Thank you for replying & yes my husband has massive commitment issues. I think this is part of his narcissistic nature as he has always given me the silent treatment for weeks if I disagreed with his behaviour. If he is not the centre of attention and being constantly praised he finds other people to stroke his ego. Each time he left he would move in to a rented house and be gone for months. After a while I just accepted it as it became so regular. Longest time he previously left would be around 6 months.
H rang twice yesterday but did not leave a message either time so I did not call back. He texted later asking when our youngest wanted to see him again as he has cancelled his contact visit for this weekend as he is going away. Spoke to youngest & texted him back organising next contact visit. He has now texted back saying he called twice yesterday & that he will be going swimming at 12 on Friday before he goes away for the weekend. He has previously asked me to join him to go swimming as this was an activity we used to share. I am not sure whether I am supposed to respond to this text message. I do not think it would be a good idea for me to go swimming or see him at the moment at all.
