First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[Max123]

Davide
Read your post... you've handled this all remarkably well. I can imagine it doesn't feel that way always but it sounds like you're on track. I think your approach in the email where you validate but then pivot should be the technique you use when broaching any of these 'hard/awkward convo's'. It's unpleasant but necessary to discuss. Your W probably has similar questions, so you raising this ( car house finances etc) will help her as well.

[Davide]

Thanks folks. I feel like I have been handling things relatively well. When I am down and struggling like today I try to reach our here.

The phone call worries me because I want to avoid pursuit but I also want to be friendly and cheerful. I would always ask a friend how things are going before getting to the point of a call, but I can see how that might be a loaded question here. I also just do not trust my instincts.

[Max123]

I understand your concern with the call. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing really great. I think be natural - ask how she's doing....be yourself but know the boundaries....

[Maika]

I remember in the beginning, I would over analyze everything and wondered if this was pursuit or if this was too cold, and if I did this would it be wrong.

I get it, you don't want to f#$k up, but you also need to relax a little bit.

As Sandi says - think that you're talking to the cashier at the grocery store. How would you talk to them and treat them? Do the same here.

So, I wouldn't worry about saying something polite and light - how are you doing? remember you can ask that cashier the same thing because you're not fishing for information, but just being polite and friendly. Do exactly that.

I wouldn't keep on going but keep it short and polite and then get into what you need to talk about. Let's play out a convo here for an example.

You: Hey, how are you doing? (friendly polite tone and being upbeat)

W: I am okay

You: Great. Let's sit down and discuss (insert topic).. (stay upbeat and positive)

That's all you need. Don't over think it. If she goes into R talks, just actively listen and validate.

Also, don't say "could you". that's submissive and weak.

Say something like "As I am taking the car this summer, please make sure it's tuned up. Thanks". Stay upbeat and positive in your tone. You're not asking her, but telling her what you state you need the car to be in.

Achieve the balance between assertive and being pleasant. It's all about the tone and choice of words. Don't ask her to do something, but tell her what you expect to get done, in a polite manner.

She may not like it, and she may even get pissed off, but keep your cool and maintain that assertiveness. She'll come to respect it.

I know this is hard. I would be cool on the outside and a hot boiling mess on the inside. But once I realized how awesome it felt to be assertive and pleasant, and how empowering it was for me, I loved it.

[Davide]

Thanks Maika, Max, and everyone else.

I just needed confirmation. I really do feel like I know what I am doing at this point. Assertive and pleasant will be a struggle for me - that is not my personality. I will attempt it, but I know that I will fall back on "could" language. Baby steps.

The hard part is that I have to accept and act as if she is gone, well aware that there is an over 80% chance that there will never be reconciliation at the end of the tunnel, no matter how I play it. That I have no control over the future of the relationship, just over myself. I look at it as if my worst fears of abandonment have already come true (because they have!) and I'm still standing, and actually stronger than before because I realize my own two feet can sustain me without needing to rely on her.

I also try to look on the positive side. My wife's waywardness is tame compared to many. No affair. She isn't drinking at all. She has become more dedicated to exercise and fitness. There is no hostility, or rancor towards me. She accepts responsibility for the failure of the relationship completely. Moreover, when she asked for space I spent a day crying and pleading and then immediately gave it to her. I didn't know about DBing but I realized I was doing more harm than good around her. I haven't really lapsed at all in 5 weeks. She was never very disrespectful to me. The worst she ever did was go out with friends and return late (2-3 a.m) forgetting to text (it was clearly rebellion), and I called her out on it. I don't consider her BD disrespectful. She has every right to end the relationship if she chooses. I think she is making a bad choice in the throes of an MLC, mistaking temporary unhappiness for a lifetime of incompatibility, but that isnt disrespect.

[Maika]

Have you read Robert Glover's book - No More Mr. Nice Guy? Sounds like you have it. Don't worry - so many of us here do including me. Once I read that and started really doing some introspective work and learning about boundaries, it helped me immensely.

My 0.2 cents - I think BD is very disrespectful. I understand yo don't see it that way. I don't think we're entitled to anything. I know life is unfair. But, BD is disrespectful because there is so much trust in that partnership. You believe they got your back. To not given a chance; to not work on it; to not even get help - all of it is disrespectful. In fact, disrespect is one of the foundations of BD.

So, yeh, she doesn't owe you anything cuz life doesn't owe you anything, but a commitment has value and weight. If it didn't, then what's the point of it all?

Don't minimize what happened to you by rationalizing that life is unfair and that she can do what she wants. You have value and she did some seriously disrespectful $hit.

[Maika]

btw - you can download a free pdf copy of that book by searching online - No More Mr. Nice Guy

[Davide]

Maika,

I'll check out the book. It certainly applies to me.

You have an interesting perspective on the BD. Do you think it would be more respectful to go to MC for two years slowly growing more apart and then separating? Is it the suddenness that is disrespectful? I certainly found it unfair in the sense that I was committed to making it work come hell or high water. But, at the same time, mired in my own depression I wasn't doing anything to make it work. I certainly think I deserved better. (tbh we did a few weeks of MC before the BD but it seemed post-mortem to me in the sense that she had already given up.) and I know she agrees with me. She told me that I deserve someone who loves me, but she doesnt feel like she can be that person anymore.

I think part of my problem is that I am overly empathetic. I can see it from her point of view. She has been unhappy because of the codependency in our relationship for a year, and because of her own MLC. But she doesnt know how to address it and doesnt see that she has options short of the nuclear "blow it up" button. She probably tried a lot of options earlier that I was blind to because of my own issues. She didnt see any options other than a lifetime of a loveless marriage or the possibility of starting anew. I get that. When I was mired in my own depression I couldnt see other options at all, that is what depression does to you. I didnt want to be like that but I couldnt see a way out.

Her blowing up the relationship definitely had the desired effect, but for me. It changed my world so drastically that it made me realize that I could stand on my own two feet. That I actually had some power. Doing the work with my IC, and my exercise, and my GALing, I have taken control of my life in a way that I didnt even think possible two months ago. I dont know if it is doing the same for her or not.

[Max123]

I hear you, you are empathetic, you care for her and love her.
I guess part of this break is about turning off the lens into her world, her depression unhappiness etc. Its focusing the lens on you. It s a chance to tip the scales get the balance right.

[LoneWlf]

Davide- Self reflection is one of the hardest things that one can do but I can say it is also one of the things, that if done right can amount to incredible growth. Stay well!