Going to go workout, read my book, prep for an interview tomorrow (got laid off 2 weeks before the BD). Trying to tell myself just a tough day, not to feel her, but she texts me nearly everyday on logistically things. Today was "Will you be home tonight or tomorrow".
Every time she sends those it is such a punch to the gut, like she can't stand to be in the same house with me until she moves out. And she is always demanding something.
Can I simply just not respond to these? I feel like texts are such a cop out (similar to having an affair). Can I refuse to answer texts and only answer phone calls? This is more for me standing up to myself that I refused to be treated like this.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
I want to tell her "I'm done being treated like sh*t. You are having an affair as a married woman, shacking up with him and only text me when you need something or to make sure you don't see me. If you need something, you can call me or talk face to face".
I know I can't say those things, but how do I relay this message in other ways? Suggestions?
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Def Leppard said it best. "Action. Action. Action, not words!"
You relay that through action. Don't answer her generic texts. Look at how mtb handles his WW. If you stop responding to generic texts, if it is important enough she will call.
ACTION. NOT WORDS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
IDK if you have read my Help for LBH's with a WW threads (link is on Cadet's homework page), but I wrote about how the WW will use the LBH as her personal yellow pages. She expects him to be her BFF, computer tech, the electrician, plumber, carpenter, personal counselor, tash man, funiture mover, automobile repairman, errand boy,.........do I need to keep going, or do you get the picture? She wants the benefits you can provide, but she doesn't want you. That's how waywards operate. They want the benefits of the M, without the responsibilities.
Lots of questions were being asked on the past thread, not necessarily by its owner, that have been addressed.........if people would do their homework (hint).
AJS, not only is your WW tempt checking to make sure you are still emotionally attached, she wants to make sure you stay available for whatever she may want/need. Her sense of entitlement will begin to be more apparent as you learn more and become more detached. If you could not see what she was doing when she asked you if you thought she should take that apartment........then you need to see the doctor at once. Talk about keeping you on the back burner! The audacity to suggest having it, should you get back together! Why would you want another man's left-overs? Just saying.........WW's are very arrogant people.
Quote:
Can I simply just not respond to these? I feel like texts are such a cop out (similar to having an affair). Can I refuse to answer texts and only answer phone calls? This is more for me standing up to myself that I refused to be treated like this
.
Now, AJS, this ^^^^^^^ is just sad. A grown man asking if he can ignore his adulterous wife constantly contacting him.....expecting him to jump when she says frog. You feel like her text messaging are a cop out, b/c she is not calling or seeing you face to face? No, she wouldn't have a problem with it. She just doesn't want to take the time or be bothered with chit-chat. Sorry to have to be so blunt, but you don't seem to get it. You are the one getting all out of sorts b/c she is texting instead of calling or seeing you face to face. Why, do you suppose? IMHO, that is pretty telling that you have not started detaching.
Look, stop being available for her. She fired you as her husband!
Get out there and GAL like there's no tomorrow.
P.S. Why didn't you explain to Eric why you told her you thought she should take the apartment and that both of you should see other people? BTW, great job telling your WW.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/17/1807:21 AM. Reason: restored post
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2: Deleted all the special characters and this posted!
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Here is shorter version explaining DB detaching.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my duty/job to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she really is rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
Thanks Sandi, I know I am having trouble detaching, go through waves and when people respond here it becomes clear (hence why I am so active). I also am dealing with serious NGS, and not just with WW, most people.
I told her to take the apartment and maybe it will be good to see other people because 1) I read that in a earlier response, but more importantly she wanted to see if I was still attached and 2) She was probably going to take the apartment anyway, and she probably does need to see life without me as it will be the only true way she will realize if she wants to be with me or not.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
AJS, you'll be fine. When you feel all that emotion, just be aware of it. Tell yourself you'll be okay (maybe a few times!) - no matter what. Then insert that run, or GAL activity. You'll be fine man!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just though I would share this today. I think I am making some progress. Still for sure having crazy emotion swings, but I really thinking I started to think with a little more clarity. Perhaps it is just time or the support here or combination of both, but definitely feeling more "normal".
I can see what people where saying, about how early on in the process I was. I see that there was no way I could possibly think or act rationally the past few weeks, but seem to have come out of the "fog".
I see and understand the true meaning of DBing, it is simply a guided path to make myself whole, healthy, and healed again. Does it give my marriage the best possible chance to be saved, yes. Could it still fail, absolutely, but who cares. The purpose is for me and me only.
I guess I just wanted to say thank you to everybody that has posted and given me guidance, especially Steve, Eric and Sandi. If at the very least, you kept me sane and I am grateful. On another note, just received No More Mr XXXX Guy so will start reading that today.
Onwards and Upwards. Thanks again!
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Maybe this is overkill, but I just want a rationale check as I have been struggling to detach lately. hopefully quick and easy.
She just texted "Can I come over for a few hours tomorrow".
My first inclination was to response "Ok" and nothing else. I plan on going to a birthday party for most of the day anyway, but I prefer not to see her at all.
However, I want to ask her what time she plans on coming over so I can make sure that I am not here at all (I really do mean that, not struturing my actions around hers).
Thoughts?
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Why would you want another man's left-overs? Just saying.........WW's are very arrogant people. 
