First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[TBSakaJ9]

D - You and M appear to have very similar characteristics. When M started his journey he went about it very methodically, very structured and seemed to have every move he made logically laid out. His closet is spectacular! I think you could learn a lot from him and his journey.

M is accurate but just know your W is not going to D you over that letter. Also know that those who try the hardest to save their MR have the least success.

I could be off but these are my observations. Good luck!

[Davide]

Thanks a lot Joseph and Maika. I appreciate the interest you have taken and the advice (even if I havent followed all of it.)

So my wife responded by text, saying that I should stop by and see the dog tonight and we can talk on Saturday or Sunday. Very short and to the point. Which is fine. I am trying not to read too much into it.

So, I want to talk to her about plans for this summer because I have to go to the house, pack stuff and take the car from her (I am taking it for the summer). She needs to get it serviced beforehand.

I would like to get some things squared away before I leave so I dont have them hanging over me. But I am afraid that I would be pressing my wife (i.e. pursuing) when I need to be pulling back.
Specifically

1) I would like to know if she is buying a second car (we have shared accounts). Financially we are ok, but we have always been a one-car family, and that is a huge purchase.
2) I want to tell her that the dog should stay in the house with me, since it is the only home it knows and we have a fenced-in yard, as opposed to whatever apartment she finds. This could be awkward, but it feels right to me, and giving up the dog seems like it would be more NGS.
3)I would like to know what of our shared household things she is planning on taking. e.g. she will be taking the desk and work station she works at, but will she take the fold-out couch? Will she take kitchen ware? etc... It all seems so mundane, but I don't want to be texting her about that stuff while I am traveling. I want to be as NC as possible. I know that will help with my detachment.

What do you all think? I am afraid that I am pressing too much too soon. But I really want to be able to be NC while traveling.

Ever since I sent the email reply to her I have found my anxiety level has shot up. After receiving her response, I am trying to steel myself to talk her this weekend. I know how the attitude I want to go into the conversation with - matter of fact, upbeat, non-judgemental. Getting myself into that frame of mind is my job over the next 4-5 days.

[Maika]

1) why do you need to know? if she knows she won't have the car, I am sure she's a big girl to figure it out. If it's about the finances, then it's a different story. Then it can be a conversation because it's business and you stay on point.

2) sure, but how high is this on your list of priorities to get squared away? is this something that can be broached later in the summer? You could discuss it then by saying that it would be good for the dog to stay in the house, but you are open to figuring out a sharing system if she also wants to keep the dog. Don't make it that she comes and visits it at your place. Treat it like a custody arrangement.

3) I am no lawyer, but all of the stuff is shared property. She can't just take things. But to keep it low key, you can ask her what she plans on taking and making a list and having a copy with you as well. If you need to split assets later, you might need it, even if it's minor. Again this is business, so keep it on point.

I would suggest that you talk about stuff that you need to get squared away before summer so that you don't need to break NC. But, if some things can be discussed later, re: dog, do it then.

Do some nice things for yourself until the day she wants to talk. Maybe schedule something really fun right after she leaves on the weekend. Stay upbeat, validate, and just actively listen to her.

I know it's hard. I remember the early convos with W and they were fraught with emotions and anxiety for me.

As I say, the balance you want to achieve is being assertive, validating and pleasant. Treat her like she's an acquaintance.

[TBSakaJ9]

I don't have a problem with you discussing logistical stuff as long as you can do it without getting emotional.

When my W and I separated we had the same type of discussion and she told me what she wanted to take. I just listened and agreed since there was nothing I wanted that she wanted.

You anxiety level spiking is normal since you are not detached. It's not a criticism your just very early on.

[Davide]

Thanks guys! I am aware that my anxiety level is a result of not being fully detached. I'm still just 5 weeks post BD, so I think it is probably unrealistic to be fully detached.

Maika, just to be clear I am not in the house currently, my wife is. I have to return there before my trip to pick up the car and supplies for my trip.

My feeling is that the dog is a very sensitive issue. That will hurt her a lot, but I think she will recognize that it is best. I am certainly willing to work out a sharing system if it comes to that. I just would rather start that conversation now rather than spring it on her later and deal with all the emotions then.

Regarding the car, we just spent 11 grand on a used car and then put another 5 grand in when it died on us within a month. I know that if she is going to buy another car she is going to want to clear it with me - my thought is just to discuss a general price range and tell her anything in or under that range is fine and that she doesn't need to let me know.

I'm not worried about her trying to run away with our stuff. Not at all. I guess the best way to frame it would be to ask her to put together a list of what she thinks she would need to take. I took nothing but a duffel bag when I left, but that is because I always saw my time away from the house as temporary. She is seeing it as permanent or at least longer-term.

Should I tell her that I am doing this now so as to cut down on contact over the summer, or just frame it as a way to avoid hassles or arguments while I am traveling?

In terms of GALing, I am going on a school field trip Wed-Friday, and then going out to a concert with friends on Friday evening. I am definitely keeping myself busy. I think I would rather talk to her on Saturday to get it over with, and then have Sunday to recover from it and go to the gym, get out, see people.

I am really trying not to hold on too tight. She is already gone. I know all I can do is take care of myself, be the lighthouse, and maintain the flicker of hope that gets out the other side of this MLC and realizes what a good thing we actually had.

[TBSakaJ9]

I would not mention anything about what your intentions are other than you are trying to get things organized before you leave.

[Davide]

So. I texted the W back saying Great! I'll call you at 5:30 on Sunday. Then I went over to the house and took the dog for a nice long walk. It felt different for some reason. I wasn't triggered like I often have been while going back to the house. Also, it so nice to spend time with the dog who loves me so unconditionally. I miss that sort of love. It brightens up the whole house. I really do need her (the dog) around the house if I am going back to live there.

Tomorrow morning early I am off on a school field trip for 3 days which will hopefully help me detach further. I downloaded a bunch of audiobooks on relationships for the bus ride and plan on getting through a bunch of them. The lack of exercise will be tough on me, but we will be walking around all day long in colonial Williamsburg.

Thanks again for all the vets chiming in here, especially Joseph and Maika. This has become my outlet, and has helped so much. I'm not religious at all, but as they say, you are doing God's work here. Thanks.

[Maika]

Enjoy your trip and focus on the awesome things you'll be doing. This is a long road and any opportunity you get to take a break from it, it's worth it.

[Davide]

Ugh... today has been horrible. A 5:30 a.m wake up call and race to get to school on the bike in a light rain, followed by a 7 hour bus ride with 5th and 6th graders, and a brutally boring tour of Yorktown. I am feeling the lack of exercise -no yoga, no climbing, little biking, no daily walk, plus my great diet got replaced by Chick-Fil-A and barbecued chicken sandwich and fries. I feel awful.

On the positive side, I spent much of the bus ride listening to "It takes One to Tango" which is a great relationship book. It is not really aimed at separated spouses, but the overall message is spot-on with DBing. All about how a relationship is a system and if one person unilaterally acts and introduces change it will change the system. I highly recommend it.

All that has led to raising my anxiety level rather than lowering it. Ugh. My exercise, and diet, and social outings had become routine that comforted me and made me feel good about myself. This disruption has been hurtful. I hope that my own personal trip this summer is not like this.

In terms of my upcoming talk with the W, I know that I want to focus just on the stuff we need to take care of. My question to the experts is how to start it? Normally, I would start by asking how she was (casually) or how things were going, but I am afraid that could be seen as pursuit. But it also seems rude to go directly to the point and say "Hi W, could you make an appointment to tune the car up before my trip?"

[Ste7e]

Ha yeah I remember some pretty brutal week long trips with students and how bad the food was
I also had a day if poor eating choices recently and it spun me in a bad direction
And to think only 3 months ago my entire diet was bad food choices no wonder I had a MLC and crippling depression
Hang in there Davide your positivity is a shining light