1st of all thanks for looking at this. My situation is this. both my Wife and I are 40 yo. Oct bill be 19 years married and together 22 years. we have two daughters together and she has a 23 yo son that i helped raise. Here is my situation, I blame myself for our issues. 2.5 yo I was sexting another woman. my wife found out and we began the slow rebuild. Problem was, after she found out she started acting out. She was having more sexual contact with me and our love life took off. I think she was trying to act like the girl i was talking to... I was texting this woman for 2 months or so(never physically met her). so for the next 10 months or so my love life exploded like it never had before, i was loving life, problem is I never apologized like i should. We never really discused the EA like i should have. My wife did ask to talk about it, but stupid me ignored it, tried to blow it off. I figured life was great. I never took her feelings into consideration. Nov 2016 My wife checked herself into a mental hospital for 3 days. She had a ton of issues dealing with my previous EA. they diagnosed her with BIPOLAR and Depression disorder and she is now medicated. Feb of 2017 was the last time my wife and I had a sexual relation. Feb 2018 I had a major knee surgery that has put me out of work for 4 months for which im still out. My wife does not work due to her condition. 1 week after surgery she tells me she wants a divorce. she understands that neither one of us can afford to move but says she is thru with this relationship. All because stupid me failed to talk about my EA. May 2018 is now 2 months since she told me this news.. Of course i did the pleading and the stuff i should not be doing. her mind is set.. she says she should have not taking me back in 2015 after my EA. My question is, is this the walk away wife syndrome? and if so, does the last resort technique help with this? I have dug deep in my soul and have been trying to change every wrong doing that I ever have. I cant apologize enough on what i done back then and I feel awful. I love my wife and want this to work. We will both still be living together for atleast the next 3 months. We are on friendly terms.. we talk all the time, she just gets angry when we talk about the relationship. She is mad that I now want to fix this when I should have done this years ago and she says its too late. I dont know what else to do. some nights she sits between my legs and ask me to brush her hair and rub her head. At least I am touching her.. LOL. I can use any advice anyone can give me, im sorry this is so long. my first post here. Do I totally shut myself down right now? do I back way off and not talk to her at all? I cant move on and do any 180 as I am still on crutches and out of work until June when i return to my job, so hanging out with friends is out. We are both stuck here together. My wife does not drive nor work, she stays home all day long.. there is also no other man as far as I know. she is always home with me.... thanks much for reading and helping..
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks, I should also add. I know what I did wrong. Regardless of the reason for my EA, I should have discussed it with her when she wanted to. I waited to long. It took me a long time to forgive myself for what I did to her. I wasn't ready yet to talk about it until I was able to understand myself why I did it. The ironic thing is, I finally fixed everything withen myself that I needed to fix and now its too late. I should have done what she wanted and talked when she wanted and not waited until I wanted. I get all this. I just wish I could get her to let her guard down. Sometimes I wonder if the Bipolar plays a part in this, though it has been 2 months now and she still wont let me in emotionally. She tells me all the time that she hides alot of her true feelings inside and doesnt want me to see. I dont know if this is good for me or bad for me.. We still have not decided how im moving out because of finances.. we have a mortgage here and she does not work so I have to pay the house payments and my job does not pay enough for me to support two living arrangements, she agrees which is why she is not pushing me leaving yet...thanks again for the support.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Talking about d and actually getting a d are two different things
Has she taken any steps to actually do that
If you do not know do not ask or snoop
Take all pressure off of her
Pressure includes disagreeing with her about the d
If she says I want a d
You can say I do not want a d but will not stand in the way of your happiness
You work and probably have taken care of financial and legal matters
If she wants a d let her do the work
Read the healing from infidelity book
Or maybe try to have a coaching session
Be patient
This may take a long time
She may say and do contradictory things
A lot of us hear too little too late
Change to be the best man you can be for you
Be consistent and steady and patient
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
PGP, sorry you are here. Not dealing with issues properly never works. Think about it in terms of a medical condition. You find a lump some where. You ignore it and hope it goes away. It may even improve a little but eventually it gets worse. Finally you go to the doctor to deal with it and now you are stage 4 cancer. If you had dealt with it when you first found it it could have been removed all self-contained.
However, one thing that strikes me is that she stayed with you for over 2 years since the EA. I suspect something more might be going on here. Obviously, your MR had problems prior to your EA since EAs don't typically happen in healthy marriages. (There are some people that just can't keep it in their pants, but what I said is true in general.)
I see you are both 40. So I think your wife might be reevaluating based on a milestone age, mini-MLC type of thing. I know I've written on this forum before about the phenomenon of Ws that hit 30, 40 or 50 and flip out. My wife mentioned turning 50 and this being her "last chance" a lot during my sitch.
So yes, you should be sorry for your EA, but I wouldn't put all your eggs in your EA basket. There may be more than meets the eye going on here.
Also, keep your eye open for a retaliatory A (of the EA or PA variety). It has been known to happen.
Buckle up, this is going to be a roller-coaster ride.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your wife having depression is rough. My wife has struggled with that for years and that definitely contributed greatly to the problems we had. She needs to work out her own issues, hopefully with an IC. I highly recommend getting your own IC as well. Focus on taking care of yourself and getting yourself to a better place. You can't heal her. Only she can do that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Not really too many steps.. Stupid me printed out the 108 page NY divorce papers for her. I am still not sure why i did that, maybe to rebel. She did fill out some, but its sitting in same spot. She does not have the money for an attorney.
Thanks for the reply, it is odd that its been over two years since the EA. I do believe its still eating her up inside, she is not the forgiving type. As far as a MLC, im not sure, She doesn't drive nor go anywhere. She honestly doesnt really have any friends anymore since her BiPolar diagnosis. She kept to herself the past three years. her closest friend actually is our 19 yo daughter, Who I may add is also mad about my EA still. I think my daughter is actually supporting her and telling her to kick me out. I try to tell my daughter to stay out of this, but she is always trying to protect mom.. Its an unfortunate situation.
Its just all sad. I can see in her eyes when we talk that deep down she still has feelings. But she is very good with her wall. I am so afraid to do the last resort technique with her because im afraid she will use me backing off and not talking against me at some point, but maybe I am wrong? I also have to add, she did this to me last august 2017 also. same thing. But 1 month later I ended in hospital for 3 days with bad gall bladder and after I was in hospital she told me she loves me and we are going to work on this. So from Oct thru Jan we were together here still. But she was still very distant. No Sex, but were hugging and kissing and talking some. But then after my knee surgery she said she only changed her mind because I was sick in September and she wanted to take care of me.. All this does not add up. its like she is pushing for divorce but inside doubts it.. maybe its her bipolar, I dont know. I dont want to leave though. Its my house also. And I work from home. I have my work stuff at my house. I have not talked about the R since this past friday. I am done questioning it and talking to her about it. I just want this to end... Arghhhhh
