First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[TBSakaJ9]

No problem, I am sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you have a plan and your comfortable with it. I guess just sit back and see how it plays out.

Just keep your guard up and if you find out there is OM (hopefully not) is that a deal breaker for you?

You indicated about that no one comments on your thread. What questions do you have?

[Davide]

Thanks Joseph!

I do have a plan. How well it works out, and how well I stick to it is very much up in the air!

I don't know if an OM would be a dealbreaker or not. I also think that the BD and all this was not precipitated by one, i.e. if there is one, he came later. (I still don't think there is one.)

My one pending question at the moment is just about contacting the W. She wrote me an anguished email last week and I never responded, but I also need to reach out to set up a time to talk about summer arrangements, and what will happen when I move back in. I put up a draft of the email I want to send earlier in this thread. I have not been contacting her at all since the last time we met in person (nearly 2 weeks ago), just responding. This would be a break from that, but I feel like I need to do it since we have practical things to talk about.

[Maika]

Sorry in a rush and I will go look at your email and give you feedback. I need to brush up on your whole sitch before I do that.

But when it comes to breaking contact, you do it only for business stuff (house, finances etc) and kids stuff. You don't have kids but in your case you might have to coordinate stuff about the dog, I dunno.

I would break contact for business stuff and be pleasant and polite.

About the other email, you don't want to ignore or avoid her, but if there is R stuff that she brings up, you want to validate and listen actively.

Maybe others will chime in before I get a chance to respond. Hang in there man! I know this is a rough spot and it's a long road. But, you will emerge better and stronger with the work you put in.

Will catch up soon on your thread.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just to be clear I do not advocate for continued snooping....it does not help you detach. I only advocate snooping to make sure you have information/intel. Once you get your intel then you can stop. Does it change your actions since you are separated it doesn't but at minimum you know where you stand.

I snooped for about a week after my W moved out....I didn't find anything and I stopped. Had I found something then I would have been faced with a decision on whether or not I wanted to continue to be married to my EW.

As far as the letter goes send it but only send it if it's critical. Don't look for excuses to contact and if today is the drop dead date that you an answer on things then fire away. Do the practical things have to be settled today? This week? Or are you fishing to see where you stand?

[Davide]

As far as the letter goes send it but only send it if it's critical. Don't look for excuses to contact and if today is the drop dead date that you an answer on things then fire away. Do the practical things have to be settled today? This week? Or are you fishing to see where you stand?

I am definitely not trying to look for excuses to contact her. But we do need to talk about things before I leave for the summer, and there is one pressing issue (nothing to do with the relationship) next week. So, I think I am fine with that.

Here is a copy of the email. Am I validating well enough? or too much? I feel like there is a balance to strike.

W,

I got your email. It sounds like you are really struggling, and I understand how hard this is. I really hope that you have someone to talk to about it, whether it is a friend or (her sister), or a therapist. I think that would be really helpful.

At some point in the coming weeks I'd like to talk about arrangements for this summer and for when I come back. There are some things that we need to talk through together. I know this all really awkward and uncomfortable but I do think we need to talk about it. Let me know if there is a good time for you to talk.

Also, I bought some supplies on amazon and shipped them to the house since I don't really need them until then (except, maybe a rain jacket I bought), so just be aware they might be arriving this week. Also, I'd love to see (the dog) since I haven't seen her in a while. I am going out of town on Wednesday and won't be back until Friday, so it would have to be another time, maybe Tuesday evening.

[paco123]

Hello, Davide.

You strike me as being an empathetic, compassionate individual. Your email response seems loving and kind. I am no expert, as I am a newbie at this myself. But I wouldn t overthink it. There are no right or wrong answers, as every situation and every individual is unique.

I do hope your wife sees that you are being motivated by love. Good luck to you!

[Davide]

Paco,

Thanks for the encouragement. I am well aware that I am overthinking it. Haha. I am quite comfortable in my plan and really happy with the progress that I have been making. I am in such a better place than I was three weeks ago.

What I don't trust are my instincts when talking/emailing with my W. Doing a 180 is so counter-intuitive that it sometimes makes me question myself.

[TBSakaJ9]

You can send it.....I know your analyzing every move because your early in your sitch but just know it won t make or break your chances for recon.

Edit - using special characters are causing your posts to disappear - cadet

[Maika]

I am going to have to disagree with Paco here. I am sure you are kind and empathetic and that everyone's situation is unique, but believe you me, there is a common pattern in the behavior and even rationalizations that go across the board for the WAS/WW/WH.

You can definitely not improve the situation, but you can make it way way worse. I wouldn't do what you think is 'right'. Your perspective of what is right is probably very very 'wrong' right now. We can have a philosophical discussion of what is 'right' and 'wrong' but this isn't the space and time for that. You can most definitely do 'wrong' things..

I am going to catch up on your sitch, but just reading your email, I know that it's not good. I see your intentions, but it has great potential to backfire.



W,

I got your email. It sounds like you are really struggling, and I understand how hard this is.

I really hope that you have someone to talk to about it, whether it is a friend or (her sister), or a therapist. I think that would be really helpful.

NOPE! Do not say that.

At some point in the coming weeks I'd like to talk about arrangements for this summer and for when I come back. There are some things that we need to talk through together. I know this all really awkward and uncomfortable but I do think we need to talk about it. Let me know if there is a good time for you to talk.

NOPE! Say something like this: We need to discuss (insert topics) about this summer. I am free (insert time and date) and let me know if you're available.

Remove everything else. It's obvious and sounds weak sauce.

Also, I bought some supplies on amazon and shipped them to the house since I don't really need them until then (except, maybe a rain jacket I bought), so just be aware they might be arriving this week.

Did you do this to get brownie points from her? This is equivalent to pursuing. Well, it's done now.

I'd say: I bought some supplies and they will be arriving this week at the house.

Also, I'd love to see (the dog) since I haven't seen her in a while. I am going out of town on Wednesday and won't be back until Friday, so it would have to be another time, maybe Tuesday evening.

I'd like to see the dog as well and I will swing by Tuesday evening.

However, don't make excuses for seeing her and getting in contact.

Your email is wishy washy and pursu-ey, and like you're walking on eggshells. Be specific, direct, assertive, while being pleasant. It takes time to achieve this balance, but your email is most certainly not that right now.

Don't worry, good you posted it here first. This is just my take.

[Davide]

Yeah, oh well. I waited as long as I could, but I already sent the email before I got your reply Maika! haha! I appreciate your words nonetheless.

I think the worst part is waiting on a response. It is so much harder to detach and GAL when I am waiting for her to get back to me. The anticipation is such a distraction. And I am aware that is a sign that I am not far enough detached.

Honestly, I want to take care of as many of the logistical arrangements for her transfer out of the house and my re-insertion into the house as I can BEFORE my trip. Once I leave the city for 6 weeks, I want to be able to detach as fully as possible, and having those little things hanging over me will make it that much harder. I think that 2 months out of town, visiting friends and family and exploring the country will be the perfect aid to my detachment journey.