First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[Davide]

Can I ask a stupid question?

I feel like I am getting to a better place because of all the words of wisdom I have picked up on these boards. I am detaching and GALing and doing the 180s and am ready to validate when I get the chance, and trying to be the lighthouse, etc... It has been extremely beneficial for me to read through so many other people's situations. There is so much collected wisdom around here. I have gone out and bought numerous books based on recommendations here. I can't thank all of you enough.

But I also would love to hear actual responses to my situation from some of the veterans here. Cadet has been a rock for me, but otherwise I can't seem to draw a response from anyone. Am I just being impatient, or am I doing something wrong in terms of framing my questions? I know that I am a newbie, so I wonder how much of it is me not knowing the way to engage here, and how much is people simply not being invested in my situation since I am a new face.

[Davide]

So I never responded to my wife's anguished email about how unsure she is of everything and how good we were together. That was on Wednesday. However, I do need to reach out to her to arrange picking up the car from her for the summer and talking about the process of me moving back into the house in August (i.e. that the dog should stay, what she is going to take from the house, how much we can afford her to spend on an apartment, whether we should start separating our bank accounts...) My therapist suggested that I acknowledge receiving her email, validate her quickly, and then pivot to asking to talk on the phone about the summer plans.

I sent him a draft of my email, but wanted to share it here as well to get some feedback.

W,

I got your email. It sounds like you are really struggling, and I understand how hard this is. I really hope that you have someone to talk to about it, whether it is a friend or (her sister), or a therapist. I think that would be really helpful.

At some point in the coming weeks I'd like to talk about arrangements for this summer and for when I come back. There are some things that we need to talk through together. I know this all really awkward and uncomfortable but I do think we need to talk about it. Let me know if there is a good time for you to talk.

Also, I bought some supplies on amazon and shipped them to the house since I don't really need them until then (except, maybe a rain jacket I bought), so just be aware they might be arriving this week. Also, I'd love to see (the dog) since I haven't seen her in a while. I am going out of town on Wednesday and won't be back until Friday, so it would have to be another time, maybe Tuesday evening.

[Ste7e]

Davide I too wonder why I don't get the same amount of involvement in my thread. I wonder if it has something to do with there not being a known active A or us not having kids?

[Davide]

It might just be a newbie thing. No one really knows us well, or our story.

I am trying to comment for other people, but I am certainly no expert, so I don't try to pretend I have more expertise than I do.

I'd be happy to hear your thoughts...

[TBSakaJ9]

Why did you move out of the house? How do you know your W is not having an A?

[Maika]

When I first got on this board I wanted people to write back all the time in real time and I had a million questions. You will get good feedback here, don't worry about that. Just slow down, read up on all the resources, put Sandi's rules in practice and evaluate, and keep posting.

Just because you are not getting a reply doesn't mean that people aren't reading. I used this board as a good place to journal too, even when no one was writing in. Someone will respond, but it might not be right away.

Also, the traffic slows waaaaaaaaaaayy down on the weekends. Keep that in mind.

[44tries]

Davide, i know Sandi has said she waits awhile reading newbie stories and gathering info before she starts giving input. i know it took time for vets to start posting on my threads. just keep posting, people will come.

[Davide]

Maika and 44tries, thanks for reaching out with those messages. It's probably a lack of patience on my part, and I recognize that. I'll just keep posting. The frustration is asking for feedback on specific situations and not getting anything.

Joseph,

I moved out of the house because I found the situation unbearable after the BD. I am a teacher and I had offered to travel for the summer before the BD, and then after getting the BD, i felt like it would be unhealthy for me to stay in the house with her. It was an attempt to detach and pull a 180 before I even knew what those terms were. I moved out rather than her because it would have been super complicated for her (I know, NGS!) since she works from a home office. It was an emotional decision, and possibly not the best one. In the aftermath my wife offered to move out herself, but I had already taken the step and it felt easier to stick with it.

In terms of an affair, I guess it is fair to say that I don't know. I don't think she has in part because she has been honest with me throughout the process, and she has never given me any reason to suspect an affair. When I left I asked her not to bring anyone home and she looked at me like I was crazy and said that she wanted to be independent and not in relationship, with me or with anyone. She certainly could be lying or be having an EA, but it would surprise me. She has always been a caring and honest person even during this MLC.

Does it really matter if she is having one? I feel like my detachment and 180s are still going to be the same.

[TBSakaJ9]

I moved out rather than her because it would have been super complicated for her (I know, NGS!) since she works from a home office. It was an emotional decision, and possibly not the best one.

Every sitch is different however I don't think what you did is NGS unless you were expecting something in return. For me having NGS syndrome means that you do something, expect something in return and when you don't get what you want in return you pout, get angry, become passive aggressive, etc.

If you did it because it made sense that is something different or if you did it because you didn't want a conflict or argument or because you couldn't stand up to her that is different as well.

The general advice is for the LBS to not move out of the house and is usually only recommended in extreme situations. What made it unbearable? If it's just because it would be challenging for your W then that is not a good reason.

I don't think she has in part because she has been honest with me throughout the process, and she has never given me any reason to suspect an affair.

Have you snooped to gather intel? How do you know she is being honest? There may really not be an A but in almost all of the situations on the board there is.

Does it really matter if she is having one? I feel like my detachment and 180s are still going to be the same.

From that standpoint no it doesn't matter, the process is still the same and now that your separated there isn't much you can do. However if she is having an A and you moved out of the house what is stopping her from moving the guy in? There is an LBS on the board who moved out and his W moved OM in. They are still married and his W is still living with the OM in his house.

Every sitch is different but just because you asked her not bring anyone in doesn't mean that she won't and just because you think she has been honest doesn't mean she has and just because you think there is no A doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Have you snooped to gather intel so you know what your up against? What is stopping you from moving back home?

[Davide]

Joseph,

First, thanks for the responses.

I have not snooped. First, because I do trust her. Second, because I don't think it would help clarify my situation at all. I don't really see the point in snooping at this point, and it would violate my own moral code.

Second, she has not moved anyone into the house. I have been back numerous times, normally with her out of the house, or her in bed (she knows I am coming, it is not a sneak attack!) just to pick things up or visit the dog.

Third, we have an arrangement where, at the end of the summer after my trip, I am returning for the following school year and returning to the house. Originally, I told her that she was welcome to stay or go, that it wasn't an ultimatum. But at our last face/face meeting she told me that she would be moving out. That is fine. She feels extremely guilty for more or less forcing me out of the house because of her issues, and she isn't going to put up any problems with me coming back.

I moved out because mentally I was getting crushed living with someone who clearly didn't love me back. I knew she needed space, but it was also, primarily, about me. She had told me that there was nothing I can do, and everything I had tried up until that point seemed to backfire as I was suffocating her with love (typical pursuit/distance dynamic). I think subconsciously I knew that I needed to detach and needed space to do that.

I definitely had NGS for a while. I thought if I did nice things for her, she would love me again. I am breaking free from that, though.