AJS, remember, NC/LTR isn't not responding. "Good." (notice period not exclamation point) is fine. NC?LTR means short, direct answers and NEVER INITIATING CONTACT!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'll try that. I was thinking my 180 could be NC since I have been in contact since this has happened too much.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
The objective here is to make her miss you like crazy by doing LRT. When this happens,there can be multiple scenarios.when she misses you more,she may fulfill her physical and emotional needs with the OM. So there will be some pressure on her new relationship. In due course either she will push away from you or she will realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side and start contacting you. You need a lot of patience during this process.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Not sure if it is relavent, but did read that Waywards usually don't show remorse
There have been countless stories of the WW moving out and leaving her H (and even her babies) for another man. She would be crying and wanting a hug goodbye......all very similar to your description. Telling the H that it tears her up to hurt him but yada, yada, yada. It doesn't prevent her from moving toward a new life with OM.
The WW operates out of her emotions. She does not think or act logically. It is not difficult for most women to cry, and if she is wayward.....she can turn on the tears without any problem, in most cases. What I am saying is that she may have felt emotional due to closing this chapter in her life. I am giving her the benefit of doubt and say that she probably did not intentionally have an affair just to hurt you. However, she didn't stop it, either. Despite her emotional state and the words she said, she still chose to walk out that door for another man. I don't believe it is "remorse" when they continue to carry through with the hurtful deed. Maybe guilt, but not remorse. I think you saw a woman crying for herself and a failed M.
Some waywards are remorseful, after sufficient time has passed. It would be highly unusual for the wayward to feel remorse as quickly as....say your W in that instance. If she had been sincerely remorseful, she would not have tried to make excuses for her affair. She would not have blamed you. She would not have continued to turn the knife after plunging it into your heart again and again. If remorseful, she would have felt humble, ashamed, and with deep regret. She might have asked you to please forgive her for the terrible betrayal and deceit. She would have been focused on your pain, and not her feelings. Most of all, she would not have turned around and walked out of the door and out of your life to go to OM. That's not remorse, IMHO. That's just a woman being emotional and remembering the past years she spent with you. Lots of women get emotional when packing their things and moving away from something that represents a milestone in their life. I think when there is genuine remorse, there is a change in attitude......and in their thinking. According to her, her thinking had not changed. She described herself falling in love with the OM. That doesn't go hand in hand with remorse......as far as I can tell.
It always amazes how plain, sometimes even harsh, the WW tells the H how unhappy she was in the M, or how it's his fault, or whatever........and the H sees what he wants to see. At least, that's the way it appears in many posts I read from LBH's. Maybe it is human nature when we are being hurt by the one we love the most.
FWIW, I will tell you about my personal remorse. Almost eleven years ago, I had decided to end my affair and stay in the M. I experienced withdrawals for months. I was very depressed and had no energy or desire to put forth effort in the MR. I had made a decision to "do the right thing" and end things with the OM. That was it. I had years and years of resentment toward my H to overcome. I didn't see how I would ever be able to do it. It took approximately two years of me wrestling with it. I even prayed and asked God to help me feel remorse, b/c I knew I should feel it, but I didn't. It got to the place I could not sleep. I was like a walking corpse, trying to work every day, staying up till all hours on the DB board.....and not sleeping. Finally, I faced the fact that I had never sincerely apologized to my H. (I had a lot of stubborn pride). I saw my hypocrocy at not forgiving him for the things in the past.....and yet not really apologizing for betraying him in the worst way possible. I, first, had to let go of everything I had resented and blamed on my H. I had to forgive him. That was not easy. But if he could forgive me of the A, who was I to say I could not forgive him for his part in the breakdown of our MR? That was sort of the emotional dam that broke for me. I got up from my bed, and found him in the living room. I was crying so hard he could barely understand what I was saying. It wasn't just emotions. It wasn't just guilt. It was nothing like I had ever experienced. I would have given my life if I could have gone back in time and truly changed our history. I didn't expect anything from him. I was not sorry for myself, and didn't expect him to be sorry for me. Why should he? I did not have the haughty attitude that had previously been evident. I was not pointing fingers back at him, or justifying my actions. I was humble and ashamed of the things I had done, and deeply....deeply regretted the pain and suffering I had caused him. Afterwards, I went back to bed and had sweet sleep for the first time in ages.
It may not take her that long, or it may take a lot longer. They may get M. It happens. At some point, I think you will see that putting you life on hold while she makes a new life with another man, is not for you. When you are finally able to let go of her, then you will start to feel that you've been given the chance to be happy again.........and it doesn't depend on getting her back.
Oh, and about family and friends wanting you to just file and get it over. It mostly comes out of their love for you, as crazy as that may sound. You'll have to tell them you appreciate their love/concern and you will figure out what you want to do in your own way & time. If you were my son, and especially having no children with her......I would probably tell you to move on with your life. However, it would be b/c it hurt to see my son in so much pain.
Things will get better. Life does go on, even when we feel it shouldn't. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just read the whole thread here. AJS, you and I have similar situations. It was very good for me to read your thread, so maybe take the time and look at mine you might see some advice that I'll help you just like I did in this thread. All I want to say is that I was very skeptical of The Last Resort Technique but I am now in my second week of it and feeling better about myself.
Still learning to get emotionally stronger, emotionally more aware, and better at managing my emotions. I'm lucky to have my sister who has gone through some of these things, my priest, my counselor, my family, and this board. This board has been a great resource for me. I wouldn't brace that last resort technique if I were you and really start working on yourself. Not only get a life, but also figure out how to handle your emotions better and how to be the best version of you.
Anything is possible so don't give up, but definitely learned some of the things on this site. For example don't believe anything she says, know that she has an ulterior motive when she says things. No when to listen invalidate and how to keep your mouth shut in the right way. You can do this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks Sandi and ovrrnbw, I will check out your thread now.
It a surprise, the W called me after she got approved for her apartment, and said she was having second thoughts about moving out. Wanted to ask what I thought. I stayed strong and told her "you know how i feel, but it might be a good idea to take this place and we can see other people". She said how when she got the email the first thought was to call me, that she wanted to talk to me.
I feel like that would have sucked me back in usually, but i just said "i think you need to do this, have time for yourself". She said that she had really put herself in a pickle here, and said again that the apartment would be nice if we were to get back together. The thing that kept me strong is that as much as I liked hearing her second thoughts, she is still staying with this OM, and that is what keeps me in tough love mode. because it is BS, must be nice to her to call me when she feels vulernable and needs validation, but then go back to her affair....as a MARRED WOMAN.
I wish I had applied even tougher love, but I'll take it as a win that I told her to see other people and take this apartment.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
The next time she calls you let it go to voicemail. Dont immediately pick up calls and NEVER initiate contact from your end. If you pick up accidently tell her you are busy and that you will get back later. And you don't. Same thing with text and emails. You dont need to be prompt in response. Stop being a doormat and work on yourself and focus on your well being and health. If she is remorseful, let her miss you and choke herself emotionally or with OM. You dont give a damn.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
