Shifting over here to this forum. My MLC thread is almost full and I think it's time for a change. My postings will probably continue to be rambling nonsense.
It's good perhaps that my biggest issue right now is the fact that S23 is still in bed and I don't know what sort of thing to make for Sunday supper. Normally I would do up a roast of some sort but have been having a hankering for chili which S23 doesn't like.
It is Mother's Day here and he's still in bed at noon so I would presume he's not joining his mother for brunch . Not a huge surprise. He's also been getting a lot more chatty and social with me over the last month or so. Yesterday may have been in part because he was out helping a buddy with some concrete work for much of the day and "of course" beer was provided. He was 4 in to it by the time he got home and had a few more. The resulting hangover that he may well be having explains in part why he's not up.
He used to be very closed to me - even before BD and seemed to have an underlying anger around me. That has seemingly evaporated.
Previously I would be stressed about him going to see his mother or him not going but yeah - just annoyed that it may interfere with my own plans.
I had been worrying that today would be tough and like most things I worried more about stuff that ends up not being an issue. Especially since yesterday put me in such a great mood.
The cute bank teller that I've trying to work up the nerve to ask out said that she could make use of a juicer that I had in a cupboard so I took it out yesterday. She was pretty excited about it. She mentioned that she had been talking to her mother about getting it from "a really sweet guy" - and then quickly changed the topic. My day was made! She's got two younger boys who sound pretty cool. She was telling me that for Mother's day last year that they wrapped up all of her favourite things in the house and gave them to her. They use their pocket money to buy her a fancy tiara from the dollar store as well.
I had joked to her that I had been thinking of finding a single mom to adopt for Mother's day and she told me that I already had because I gave her a present of a juicer.
She's promised me fresh baking as "payment" for the juicer which hasn't arrived yet. She felt bad about it but had had a crazy busy week. She seemed pleased that I didn't care about her not having anything for me. Her boys are involved in a number of things with her oldest trying to pass his gun safety test. I think she likes the fact that I'm interested in her boys as well as her. In some ways it would be a good match for her. She's known me for a few years. Knows that I'm divorced and that while I am devoted to and love my kids they don't take much of my time. She knows I've got a good job and good income (she can see my bank account) and that I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.
For me, she's a kind person with a heck of a sense of humour. She's hard working, patient and self reliant. I've never heard her blame anyone else for anything. She's devoted to her boys and works really hard on being an awesome mom. Given that her oldest is about 12 that would put her perhaps 12 years younger than me which is a bit of a gap but not insurmountable. And yes, she's really cute with a tendency towards the girly which I like. She is of the "extra curvy" variety but that's not an issue to me one way or another. She has regular contact with her ex and is on good terms I think but doesn't seem to rely on him for anything and I've never heard her mention her boys spending time with him.
Being cynical - and honest - I expect that she's not getting much traction if she is looking to date someone. A heavier mature lady with two young kids may well be passed over for someone fitter and less attached by guys her age.
S23 met her last week when he happened to be running errands with me and was pretty off-put when I mentioned as we were leaving that I was trying to find the courage to ask her out. Yesterday he seemed keen on the idea and from what he said I think it was because he had done some thinking and math and realized that she was perhaps not as young as he originally thought. That and fresh baking.
"Of course" I have no clue if this lady is interested in dating me or not and I do worry about hurting what is a pretty good friendship by trying to take it to another level. I forget the exact phrase but it's something like "you miss 100% of the shots you never take".
Ah well. Today is a day for doing some work in the garden, the ever present ironing and perhaps an adult beverage or two - after the things I need to do in the workshop are done.
Maybe I'll clean off the BBQ and cook up some sausages for supper.
PS - doodler - If you insist on skinny dipping with me the ice is mostly thawed off the lakes now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So this is the new place. It is nice, bigger than I thought, lots of room to explore. Your use of imagery was always so colourful, mine is a little flat.
I think your move over to this forum is good for you. I may end up joining you sooner than I expect.
Very glad to hear S23 anger as basically evaporated and he is not so closed. He is growing into an adult. You are going to start knowing things again and have wisdom, as opposed to the way they see us from teens until about 25. I just experienced a bit of that last night with my S21. We had a genuine adult conversation.
The cute bank teller. First, she can see my bank account - funny, and you are right she already knows stuff about you that usually takes a while to discover.
Second, a really sweet guy - I bet that made your day! Now maybe you are too close to the trees here, but from my view she is flirting. She is also insterested.
Third, of course I have no clue if the lady is interested - she is interested. I have read a lot from you and I know how you analyze stuff. So lets analyze.
She definitely is flirting and emotional involved.
You offered the juicer and she was happy, thankful, and offered fresh baking. There is an emotional attachment. Even cynical Andrew can see that. Lets say I took my juicer to work and gave it to Cindy and she gave me back a plate of homemade muffins. I bring them back home for my W and kids. W would blow a gasket. Some strange unknown women giving me muffins. See what I mean.
One more. Your joke about finding a single mom to adopt for Mothers Day and her repsonse of you already had because you gave her a juicer. Her status of being single is acknowledged, if she was seeing someone or married, being called a single mom would probably get a different response. Adopt for Mday - first adopt implies kind of serious not to disguard and Mday well that is for a mom and you are letting her know you want to be part of her Mday. That being said she also let you know she is ok with it - she told me I already had - past tense she is already there.
The part about her not getting much traction, being mature lady, two kids, etc.... Stow all that! I know, or at least I think I know, you do not see her that way. Do not see her for less than she is.
I can see you have spent some energy and invested emotionally with all the facts you know about of her, her life, and her boys.
I get the lack of courage you have previously spoken about. However, she may have just as many fears and insecurities as you do.
It looks like you are interested and she appears interested.
As you said you miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Perhaps you should take a shot. It looks like you are moving in that direction.
BTW, The last time I was available was in 1988. So I am pretty rusty.
Start small and go slow.
PS - I like your posts. They are not all rambling nonsense.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Welcome Andrew to Surviving. Dropped a wine and some canapes on your stoop.
Congratulations on escaping from MLC part of the board. It's a much slower and sunnier speed here. And we have thread parties, beware of doodler skinny dipping though.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Got your notification. I don't know if this will work for posters, but, if you discover that your posting disappears, try hitting the "quick quote" button and remove your quotes from the posting and then hit submit. I tried it and it worked for me...
Last edited by job; 05/13/1811:06 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
DnJ - I've taken a few hours to think about what you wrote. I think that one of the things that happens to us as a "BS" is that we tend to devalue our own attractiveness along with that of any potential future partners.
The only time I can recall my ex telling me that I looked nice was in November 2016 in a response to me telling her that she looked nice. And it took an obvious effort for her to do that.
I own several mirrors and even while I may not be the most handsome man out there I know that "the looks decent wagon didn't pass me by". I think that one of the ways that my ex controlled me was by actively trying to stamp down my self-image. Sadly - what happens though is that I project my own poor self image on others. Hence my less than positive comments about the bank teller to try to make my own thoughts around what I "deserve" match the woman who I am interested in. It is unfair and unkind to her and I am ashamed of those thoughts.
I do think that one way that for many people that the cycle of abuse repeats is that our self esteem is so beaten down that we choose partners who perpetuate that cycle. For me I have a very high opinion of my professional self - which bothered my ex - but a low opinion of my attractiveness. My ex did perhaps make efforts to cut me down - or again - that could be part of my own re-writing of history.
On another topic S23 just came home from spending the afternoon with his mother. I was mid dishes and from his comments he had certainly checked my social media while he was out - the excitement of BBQ sausages. While he was out I did go into his room in large part to get any dirty dishes. I did notice that the several things that he should have passed back to his mother were still in his room even with such an easy and obvious opportunity to carry them back.
One key thing that is written here and elsewhere is that it is important to be the safe parent, the sane parent. When S23 came home, I was doing dishes watching Rocky and Bullwinkle (I'm a nerd). I had a glass of wine in progress and obviously had had more than one glass. The impression I got from him was that he was "home" and in his safe place.
I do wonder why he's not given his mother those heritage items that were entrusted to him but that is out of my hands. It is weird (to me) that he displays them so prominently in his room but hasn't given them to the "rightful owner".
Anyhoo - time for bed for me.
A bien tot mes amis.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Mon cher, here is some chili. Eat it tomorrow as it will improve with a day in the fridge. Welcome, welcome. Yes, Doodler will skinny dip and like to wear frilly dresses, but he looks darn good in them so who am I to judge?
Re: bank teller lady is def. flirting. Ask her out for a cup of coffee first.
That's my advice, but I have to qualify this by saying I have had one coffee date since 1989 and I dunno what exbf and I were doing when we were hanging out in 2016, but consensus seems to be that we were on dates, which went no where, so factor that in. . .
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
PS - doodler - If you insist on skinny dipping with me the ice is mostly thawed off the lakes now.
Andrew,
I'm sad to say that, although I'd like to go skinny dipping with you, the nursing home bus won't take me up to Canada. In addition, after that little accident I had a couple of months ago, they won't let me go swimming without my adult diapers. Maybe you could come down to Florida sometime and play Bingo with me (I go wild). And, I'll share some of my medication with you as well; you'll be higher than a kite for hours -- tripping balls.
Welcome to our little corner of db. I love how you talked of the lady as extra curvy. Thank God for you and the other men on this planet who are ok with that.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My gardens are doing fabulously! The bleeding hearts (one of my favourite flowers) are spectacular, the rhubarb is popping up nicely, the peonies got their "cage" and best of all, my sad old apple tree again this year (for the second year in a row) is packed with blossoms. Oddly when my ex was living here, that tree did poorly. Probably just a coincidence.
I worked from home today and was able to pay attention to the garden and get the grass cut. I like to think of my home as "shabby but neat" and I'm very proud of it.
Today as well after nagging my lawyer yesterday I got a copy of the divorce affidavit. Somewhat unsurprisingly my ex made a serious mistake on the form - which she or her lawyer had also made on the the preceding forms but the officer of the court stroked out the mistake in this case, corrected and initialed it. As of Sunday the 20th of May 2018 everything will be "done". There is no stopping it now. I'm planning to pop up to the court next week and get an official copy of the certificate. Not that I'm needing it to get married or anything but I like to have things "tidy".
I'm trying to build up the courage to ask out the cute bank teller and as part of the strategy to sabotage myself I mentioned it to SIL1 today and sent her a link to the lady's facebook profile. She is highly in favour of it and bombarded me with messages through the afternoon. I think I had to pretty much restrain her from sending out the wedding invitations We'll see what happens.
As those who have been "playing the home game" may know that especially since S23 moved home with me I try to focus on being a good role model. Flawed yes, but doing the best that I can. Today I think was another good day for that. When he came home from working his construction job I was outside enjoying a beer. We chatted about his day, my day. All was good. I was in the midst of making a light supper for myself he said that he had his own plans (chicken salad as it turned out to be).
I realized - and I'm sure Gordie will appreciate this - that I'm modeling to him that as a single mature bachelor, that life can be pretty darned good. In the environment that I grew up in, there was an expectation of being paired and of being dependent on someone else. He's seeing that that's not true. We both know (I believe) that having a loving partner can make life richer, but that it's not a requirement. We jointly take care of our home despite having different standards of what we want. We are certainly father and son and not "buddies" or "room-mates" but it is a mature relationship. I am very proud of it.
I really don't know what his mother's opinion is of S23's current career doing manual labour is but suspect that she wishes that he would do "better". I'm very proud of him. He works hard and does an honest day's work. We did have a short discussion today about a study I heard of recently where a number of millennials said that there was no possible wage that would encourage them to do construction work. Both S23 and I were baffled by that. I'm glad that he is doing so "well" even if I'm still paying for his room and board. We also had a chat about the biography of Lorenzo De Medici I'm currently reading and he thinks he'll pick it up when I'm done. There's nothing to say that you can't do manual labour and also appreciate the complexities of the Renaissance.
As Jack_3_Beans would perhaps agree - Pride is a powerful thing. It gives you fuel to move from one day to the next.
The conversation with SIL1 got me thinking a bit about my ex's reaction to me finding someone new. My ex had been pushing me to do that before bomb-day. Pretty much all of the women who are on my list of those who might date me (which might be delusional on my part) are all younger, thinner, taller than she is and in 50% of the cases blonder. My ex was also a very possessive and jealous woman. I was very much "her property". I did have a bit of a smile because recently I've been corresponding with an old acquaintance of mine via Instagram who is a former Miss Black Ontario who also happened to be a star on a major TV show and with whom I still vividly remember a very nice kiss one night in Toronto a bit over 30 years ago. I was a good friend of her older and better looking sister. We had agreed to date but then she moved to Los Angeles. My ex would perhaps not have been pleased by that.
Meh.
SIL1 did mention today that my ex's social media seems to be a fair bit of "poor me" perhaps in part because of the death of her parents back in January.
Anyhoodle - enough for tonight. Time for me to pack things up.
A bien tot mes ami.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
. Not a huge surprise. He's also been getting a lot more chatty and social with me over the last month or so. Yesterday may have been in part because he was out helping a buddy with some concrete work for much of the day and "of course" beer was provided. He was 4 in to it by the time he got home and had a few more. The resulting hangover that he may well be having explains in part why he's not up.
