First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[Davide]

So I have now gone 24 hours without responding to my wife's message. I realize the need for detachment, but I am still struggling because I want to be the lighthouse for her. I want to listen to her and show that I care about her, even if I can't care for her. I know she is on her own journey and that I can't hasten that nor can I lift her out of it. But I want to be that beacon of light and stability. Maybe I am not ready for that yet, maybe I still need to do much more work on myself.

[Cadet]

Remember that Lighthouses do not go running all over the island looking for ships!
They patiently wait for them!

[Davide]

Thanks cadet! I am trying.

Can some more seasoned people here talk to me about why it would be better for me to move back into the house in August. My W has already agreed to that, with her moving out. But, my therapist thinks that is a bad idea because the house is a trigger for me, and it will be hard for me to stay detached and move on with my life if I am in there. I am really not sure what to do. But I need to decide in the next week or so.

Again, I am not worried about the legal ramifications. What is the psychological benefit of me moving in and her moving out? To my eye it looks sort of like she moves on with her life and I get stuck in the past.

[Cadet]

Are you going to sell the house or keep it?

[Davide]

Great question.

Long term if the relationship ends up not working out we will sell the house because neither of us really wants to live with those memories. Other than my wife and job I really have very few connections to the community where I live. I would most likely move elsewhere in the country or outside the country. That said, I am a teacher and am committed to coming back for one more school year. The laws in our state mandate a 12 month separation before divorce as well.

More or less I see selling the house as completing giving up on the relationship. It's not a step that I am ready to take yet, but if we get to next year and my situation is the same it is quite likely.

[Davide]

Today was a good day. Low anxiety. I was able to get work done at school. I got a prescription for SSRIs but not the ones I wanted, and after reading about the weight gain I am doubtful I am going to take them. I got out with a good group for a 23 mile bike ride in the evening to get to 190 miles on the bike again this week. I felt good. Free. Happy. I was focused on me, it felt good to be strong on the bike.

I'm still very much on the fence about moving back in to the house. It just seems so psychologically hard for me.

Also, I am scheduled to get a colonoscopy in two weeks and the W had agreed earlier to take me - I need someone to drive me and wait for me and take me home because I will be under general anesthesia. I might be able to find someone else, but it could be hard. She was willing to do it and already offered. Is it a bad idea to let her do it?

[ovrrnbw]

HI David,

I wish I knew more and could offer great advice. Unfortunately, I'm new here and dumb. Focus on yourself and find your strength.

Good luck with your situation.

[Davide]

Thanks a lot.

I'm feeling good. Lower anxiety.

But, I'm still struggling with whether or not to move back in, and whether or not to let my wife take me to the colonoscopy.

[Davide]

I have had two really good days in a row. I am enjoying life in a real way right now, not just forcing myself to go out. I have rarely slipped back into thoughts about the relationship. I have been GALing to my hearts delight, and even was able to enjoy a night in the house doing nothing but chilling, eating and watching Netflix last night. That would have been impossible even a week ago. Of course, I don't expect that it will be smooth sailing, but I am content to ride out this good patch as long as it lasts.

I spoke with my therapist today and was able to make a couple of decision which put my mind a little more at ease. I am going to stay off meds (SSRIs) for the time being at least. Also, I have decided that I am going to move back into the house in August and let my wife make her own plans to leave. That certainly comes with a fair amount of psychological danger as I will be surrounded by memories of our relationship. But, at the same time I will have 3 more months to detach, made easier by leaving the city for two of them. Also, I feel like it will be harder for me to keep GALing if I am stressed about finding and living in temporary apartments. At least I will be in my own house and not have to worry about that, that burden will be shifted to her.

I also decided that I will write W next week. I will acknowledge that I got her anguished email and validate her feelings and tell her that I hope she is talking with someone, either a friend or professional about them. But then I will pivot and tell her that we need to talk at some point in the coming weeks about the arrangements of her moving out, what she will take or leave, etc... I think that is a nice compromise because it doesn't ignore her message but it doesn't fall back into our previous dynamic. When we do end up talking I plan on telling her that I think the dog needs to stay with me in the house since it is her home and she has a yard to play in, as opposed to some random apartment complex.

I have no idea if this process is helping to save my marriage but it feels like it is helping to save my life.

[Davide]

One of the issue with GALing and doing a 180 is that it involves me being very social. Going out with friends, hanging out. Over the last 8 months I hardly did that all. My issue is that it often involves alcohol, which I am trying to limit as much as possible. When i drink I get in my head. When I drink, the next day tends to be rougher because I didn't sleep well.

Yesterday was a fabulous day as I went on a bike tour of the city for 17 miles with a good group of guys and then went to a local bar to watch a friend's band play. The tour was basically a tour of breweries and bars, and I refused any drinks for the most part, but 1.5 free beers were too hard to turn down over the course of the afternoon. Same thing when I went to the bar. I held myself to only 2 glasses of wine over 3 hours. Yet even with that little amount, I feel myself slipping a bit, and I struggled to sleep well. When I woke up this morning to an alert on my phone from the credit card company saying that someone (W) had used the card for a LYFT at 2:30 a.m. it was hard not get in my head and wonder...

I suppose it is normal to have moments of weakness, but it is hard.