I wanted to know your point of view when things stabilize after emotions stabilize. I assume, when your senses are back, your spouse will remain in your memories no matter how much you have gone out of your way to GAL?
Do you agree?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
I wanted to know your point of view when things stabilize after emotions stabilize. I assume, when your senses are back, your spouse will remain in your memories no matter how much you have gone out of your way to GAL?
Do you agree?
If you are asking if you will ever completely forgive her? No. That is not how the memory works. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind explored the phenomenon of trying to forget a painful end to a relationship.
But GAL is especially for the emotional rollercoaster time period of a breakup. Keeping your mind off of the breakup helps even out the emotions. When I was in rollercoaster phase when I would get engaged at work, or listening to ebooks on the commute, or going to to gun range to sight in a rifle, or concentrating on the workout I was doing, or -enter GAL activity here- then I could forget that I was in the fear or sad or anger phase.
Do you ever really forget? No, but if you try hard enough you can get your mind off of it.
As far as sleep, sleeping pills. Seriously. A dude has to sleep.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks. But if your spouse is a WAW, ( Not WW) dont you think she will experience the same feelings like what the LBS faces?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Thanks. But if your spouse is a WAW, ( Not WW) dont you think she will experience the same feelings like what the LBS faces?
No. Remember most WAWs have been planning their exit for 2 years or more. Their feelings for LBH are very much gone by time BD strikes. After BD my wife are and slept without a problem. I however had no appetite and could sleep only an hour or two at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm trying, even GAL is not having much success yet getting my mind over her. I am focused a lot on the detachment thread as I seemed to have really been dependent on her, or at least my happiness.
It's strange, my wife told me last week that she isn't sleeping either, that this whole thing makes her sick......reallly??!??! She is the one with the power to stop this whole thing! Just so stupid, the whole thing.
I get everybody deserves to be happy, but an exit affair really is a cowardly way to get out of a marriage. What boggles my mind, she was SOOOO unhappy for the past few years, but yet in February (3 months ago) we had long conversations on trying for a baby and she got off birth control! I mean come on. I still think it is a exit affair, but I hope off that fact that she was just having some crisis and in a fog. Pretty sure this relationship with the OM has been a EA for at least 6 months, and physical for 3 months.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
Thanks guys. She called tonight and we spoke for an hour. We naturally got into what happened, it was good, probably pursued a bit, but was more of a discussion of how we felt (not a temp check). She more of less confessed it had been a EA for a while (whenever she and I were fighting) and then after a bigger fight in March she had the PA.
She did kept saying there is no way she can get back together with me, as she tried during MC (which she didn't bc she was still in contact with OM) as she fell in love with the OM. I said I understand, and didn't downplay their connection (per Sandi's thread). Just said its sad your throwing away a marriage for a what if, instead of throwing away a what if to save a marriage. Told her I was moving on and good luck.
Honestly a lot there. Something clicked with me in a good way, that I am not sure I could ever take her back knowing she let herself develop feelings for another man just because she wasn't happy at home. Not that I am deciding anything, but I really did have this thought of "I am not sure I could be with somebody that acts like that".
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
I'll let the experts weigh in here. Just seems strange you'd come here knowing what DBing entails and then not want to follow the guidelines of DBing, nor even if you want o save your marriage.
I assume you came here, and read DR in order to try and save your marriage.
Let me ask you a question, what would you do if she showed up tomorrow, apologized for everything and said she wanted to work on the MR?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think if I had found DB earlier or ideally DDay it could have been different, but by the time I got to this site to now, not much has changed anyway, and in many ways it got worse - she had said when I gave her space (my 180) it made it easier to go to him as she thought I was giving up on us. Also, I am not sure she is a wayward spouse, I think she realized she didn't want to be with me after she developed feelings for this person. Perhaps I am taking all DBing wrong, and I know it hasn't been long, but I really don't know if it would have made a difference.
If she did turn around and say she was to reconcile and try MR, I would set strict terms for her to agree to and follow. I would probably tell her to stay in her apartment until I felt real progress was made and I could trust her again.
Me: 33 WW: 30 T: 5 M: 1.5 yrs BD 4/6/18 PA since 3/28/18 (kiss Dec 2017) EA since assuming late 2017 MC April before another PA 4/28 WW moved out 6/1/18
AJS, you still believe everything she says! Stop it. If you had not given her space she'd have blamed that on her going to OM. Listen she is always going to do what she wants. And then find a way to blame you for it. Your NGS can't handle it.
What I'm hearing from you is that this is all too difficult and you can't handle it. And that is okay. DBing isn't for everyone. However there is no magic bullet that will fix your MR. You now need to work on detachment because you're going to end up divorced. And being emotionally attached to your ex-wife is patently unhealthy.
Good luck with moving forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
