Newbie looking for support and guidance

[AJS1285]

I think she is just coming back to pick up some clothes and head back to her new bf.

I am having a lot of trouble. I can't stop crying, i have fits of rage. I just am in denial and disbelief. How can she do this? How can she do this so easily? Literally already with somebody else?

Please help. I am really fading to stay strong.

[Davide]

Hang in there. There are better days ahead. I remember curling up on the floor and crying like a baby after my wife left after the BD and I had told her I couldn't stay in the house with her. Focus on taking care of yourself. Find something you love to do, or someone in your life you can really talk to.

Also, it seems like it might not be a good idea for you to be there when she comes to pick stuff up. You need to put some distance in.

You can do this.

[Ste7e]

Oh man you are in it go for a walk as much as possible read some books find a meeting any meeting just get out of the house dont drink it makes it worse find a bookstore and spend alot of time there find all you can read just survive for now I feel for you



Someone on here recomended mindulfulness meditation to break me out of the mental loops it has helped some


Find All of Sandis threads on here and read them to learn what you are dealing with there are tools but you got to get your mind set to do the work

[AJS1285]

Thanks all. This morning was not as bad as previous mornings, but still unsure how to handle.

I am pretty sure my WS affair is an exit affair that has been a EA for 6 months and PA for 2 months. I re-read all of Sandi's rules/posts, but also saw on other similar sites that LRT/180 can accelerate the WS departure when an exit affair is involved. One of the posters who was a WS exit affair said the distance made it easier for her to leave. It seems to be right as when I did a 180 last week when I saw her, the next day is where she really turned away and starting staying with the OM.

Going to the gym now to keep healthy, but still haven't decided if I will be here or not when she comes home. I am just scared doing the LRT/180 as it is like admitting the potential last few times I could be interacting with the love of my life (no kids, so no regular visits).

[Nutcrac]

You need to Detach completely and move on with your life. Your wife may not come back. Even if she does she has been quite wayward and you may not be happy. I suggest that in your current situation, you should read book called mindfulness(Barnes & Nobles $7.99). This really really helps. You should start GAL. Take 1 hour at a time and slowly move to 1 day at a time. Dont idle your mind. Try keeping yourself busy all the time. Right now your emotions are all over the place. So you cant think straight. 1 second you feel everything is fine. Next second you feel your dreams and your world come crashing down. This is absolutely normal for anybody in your situation. Sodont feel bad. Just let her go off ur thoughts and do what you need to by reading activities etc.. it will take a few weeks for you to start seeing some changes. Focus on yourself and only you. Leave her alone.

[SteveLW]

The other choice is to accept the exit affair and prolong the agony.

Look she is going to do what she is going to do. Delaying the inevitable won't stop it from being an exit affair. Further the emphasis is on exit not affair. In other words het exit plan has been there long before the affair. The fact she was looking for an exit is what allowed the affair.

So while every sitch is unique be careful not to dismiss DBing. All of us go through that thinking in the beginning because it is counter intuitive. But you are stool focusing on her whom you can't control instead yourself whom you can.

Detach. 180. GAL. Be the best you that you can be.

Speaking of GAL, what have you done recently to gAL?

[Nutcrac]

Remember there is a beautiful saying taken out of the movie Indecent Proposal - If you want something badly in life, you have to simply let it go! If it comes back, it is always yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with!!

I stand by this statement truly from my heart which is why i decided to let go of my wife. And there is absolutely a lot of meaning to this statement. You should not be afraid doing LRT /180. Simply do it without having second thoughts. You have nothing to loose now. It is difficult, hard and unfair. Very few things in life are harder than this if you acheive it. You will have learnt a lot by the time this is all over.

[AJS1285]

Ok, I think I maybe I should't stick around just because I am not in a strong place. I have been trying to GAL - exercising, seeing new friends, hanging with new ones, reading "untethered soul" (i'll get mindfulness right away). Been tough just because I am exhausted, only sleeping 4-5 hrs per night max.

Is it normal to just have thoughts of filing for D right away? I love her despite what she has done, but I feel like the pain is so overwhelming I am just desperate for a clear end so I know there is only one way. I feel like DBing (knowing means to get healthy and focusing on me) is not letting me accept this completely.

[Nutcrac]

Yes it is absolutely normal for the LBS to being feel betrayed and wanting to file Divorce right away. DO NOT DO THAT until you have clearly made up your mind and decided 100% that you dont want her anymore.

I felt the same too in the knitial few weeks when everything was unknown. Let your spouse do allthe D work. However,if you decide down the line that you want to give up you may let your spouse know to speed up the process.
For so.e LBS DBing may not be the right choice becoz they want things under their control and not to give into spouse tactics. However for you to make that choice as well, you need some time andspace and take 1 thing at a time. DO NOT RUSH YOUR DECISIONS! You dont want to regret later.



Send me a text nine three seven three four three five seven one five. May be we can just discuss ur current state of affairs and Dos and Donts

[SteveLW]

As Nutcrac said, it is completely normal to vacillate between wanting so badly to save your MR and to wanting to throw in the towel and move on. It is part of the emotional rollercoaster ride. Fear, sorrow, anger, rinse, repeat.

You need to take some time though. Because any decision you make will likely be based on one of those three stages at this point. Someone here told me several weeks ago, when I was talking about how awful limbo was, that limbo was the gift of time. You should view it that way.

So I suggest you do two things. Stop fighting the emotions so hard and just experience them. And really ramp up your GAL efforts. Stay busy, even if it is just walking. When you feel afraid, walk. When you are sad, walk. When you are angry, walk fast!

Trust me it does get better.