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A Message from Michele
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#2783053 - 03/27/18 03:16 PM cannot get through emotionally to my wife
andrew0 Offline
New Member

Registered: 03/26/18
Posts: 1
I am reading SSM for a second time and am taking notes this time, but I feel stuck at the beginning of the process. We are in our mid-thirties, married for 15 years, have three kids, and have not had any sex since July. Even hugs are rare and brief.

I believe I have generally been patient, polite, and friendly, but my wife does not care. She does not much like, respect, or trust me. She disbelieves that sex is anything more than a physical release. She does not feel emotionally close to me, and she is not even motivated to work on our non-sexual relationship. As Michelle pointed out in SSM, I believe I can make things worse, but I do not see a good way to make them better.

I have made mistakes in our relationship, but it seems she will never forgive them.

I tried giving her space, not bringing up sex for months, doing chores, empathy, overlooking annoyances, talking about my feelings, etc. She generally does not notice. When I watch her reactions, she gets annoyed when I walk in a room. She says I am "looming."

She says she is busy with school, but she has plenty of time for friends and hobbies. She suggested we revisit the topic in May when we are out of school. (We are each taking two college classes.) I do not expect much to be different then.

My wife's best advice is to spend more time watching TV with her in the evenings, but when I do, it does not seem to count for much. She often falls asleep, and when she is awake, she seems disengaged---either quiet or fiddling with her phone.

Every few weeks we go on a dinner date, and she seems mildly apathetic.

She has refused counseling for us or herself, and she thinks I should not read any more relationship books. She does not like romantic gestures, and she will not let me pick a babysitter.

#2785594 - 04/16/18 04:56 PM Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0]
patty13 Offline
New Member

Registered: 07/21/17
Posts: 16
One of the best things Michele has written about is GAL. Sounds like this would be good for you. If you like working out, join a gym or start running 2 or 3 nights a week. If she can have hobbies and friends, so can you. Stop looming and looking for scraps of attention and, Get A Life! Don't talk to her about it or tell her your strategy, just do it.

If you would benefit from counseling sign yourself up. You do not need her permission to seek help. The people here can probably find a good one for you.

#2789176 - 05/09/18 07:09 PM Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0]
canseco Offline

Registered: 07/18/17
Posts: 28
Wondering how things are going for you...I feel very much the same as you....I have a fear of even attempting to get through to her and work on things out of being rejected...massive fear...helplessness...we havent had any sex in months and the basic affection is almost hugs, no cuddling..not even a "welcome home" kiss....this is terrible.........It's a combination of fear, anger, confusion...

...i've tried the same as you...not bringing it up at all...being disregarded is really gets to you......and this is after w has had 3 affairs I know of...:(...she had previously refused counselling too...I have made many mistakes in our relationship but never have I believed a relationship doesn't need work and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes

..i'm in a rough place right now.
Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs

#2789397 - 05/10/18 07:49 PM Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: canseco]
Amazona Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/07/18
Posts: 15
Dear Andrew,

Perhaps reading this book will help: Hot Monogamy

Some parts are very blunt, but only choose what you can digest.
Women need to be emotionally connected before enjoying sex.
Men need sex before connecting emotionally.

Sometimes, all it needs is for you to look into her eyes, convey to her what you feel (and please, not about sex).
Try to do this every day, perhaps it will work.
The eyes says a thousand words than our mouth does.

Dr. Pat Love mentioned an experiment about 2 strangers who was placed in a room, they have to reveal things about themselves, look at each other, tell them what they like about each other.
They ended up marrying each other.
A simple formula.
When was the last time that you looked your partner in her eyes?


Moderator:  Virginia 

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