Newbie looking for support and guidance

[AJS1285]

Thanks for the perspective Steve.

Quick question for all, looks like she is moving out in a few weeks. Do I help her move /pack or do I refuse? Instinct says no, but saw the article on this said that a guy did and it helped long term. Thoughts?

[AnotherStander]

First I just want to emphasize Steve's point about time, these situations NEVER resolve quickly. It is very unusual for things to turn around in less than a year, it has happened, but not often. 1 to 3 years is a more realistic time frame.

Quick question for all, looks like she is moving out in a few weeks. Do I help her move /pack or do I refuse? Instinct says no, but saw the article on this said that a guy did and it helped long term. Thoughts?

You can offer to help her, but if she doesn't want your help then don't push yourself on her. I offered to help my ex but she refused so I let it go. I did end up going over there to help set up new furniture later (after she figured out it was a bigger task than she thought). But for many WAS's this is the first step into the "independence" that they've been craving, so they don't even want your help.

[AJS1285]

Well she is officially delusional and wants to end our marriage. She texted me the following after I asked her if she wanted dinner when she came home.

WW: I don't want to come home b/c I am afraid of being coerced to getting back together.
WW: I am sorry for what happened and for all you are through
WW: But I think we've been moving on and I don't want to take a step back and start over

Me: I don't know who what to say to you
Me: You are the one having an affair, refusing to end it and won't give out marriage a chance. You can't even have the decency to do this in front of me. You really have shown me who you are. If you want to end our marriage via text during an affair, so be it. I hope you can live with this.

WW: I can discuss splitting things up later this week.

I guess this marriage is over. She couldn't even show her face in our apartment. She just ran away to another man and sign a lease on a new apartment.

Unbelievable. I don't even know how I feel.

[SteveLW]

Sorry man. Time to go to LRT.

[AJS1285]

Quick update:

Pretty sure I hit rock bottom at 5 am this morning. Just paralyzed in bed for 5 hours. I sent her an email early this morning which wasn't exactly pursuing, but more of that state of things since we didn't talk last night. I stayed "strong" and cordial throughout the email and she called me around noon.

The call went well, as she finally confirmed she is officially "seeing" the OM. It hurt, but in many ways it help deliver the message: she is leaving and moving on with this other person. She was confused when we discussed previous MC, and kept saying "idk" when saw our potential future. I didn't falter and restated there is nothing to talk about if you are having an affair. She just said "well he still is in the picture" to which I said "ok, then that's that". She is staying with the OM until she moves in June 1, that hurt to hear. We discussed splitting up finances to which I could tell made her very nervous as she clearly didn't think this through.

Today hurt a lot, but I feel like I finally have a "decision" on her part. I think being in limbo land on D-Day (4/6/18) was just torture. Really wish I had found this site on or shortly after D-Day to at the very least shorter the suffering. But it is what it is. I've complete put it out of my head for any hope of a R with her as she seems pretty sure of herself. So I had a successful night GAL, although obviously still a lot of pain. Thoughts creep in randomly that brings up memories or habits that remind me of her, but I am hopeful to just put time behind this god awful event.

[Davide]

Hang in there. I got the BD on the exact same day as you 4/6/18 and I know how tough it has been for me.

Focus on yourself. She is going to do what she is going to do. Connect with friends and family. Get out of the house. Exercise. At least those are the things that are helping me.

[SteveLW]

Thanks for the perspective Steve.

Quick question for all, looks like she is moving out in a few weeks. Do I help her move /pack or do I refuse? Instinct says no, but saw the article on this said that a guy did and it helped long term. Thoughts?

My thoughts on this are to never do the work of the WAS to help them walk away. I am big proponent of NOT hindering them, but not helping either. We recently had another poster who's WAW asked him to cosign on her lease for her new apartment. He rightly refused. WASs will occasionally ask the LBS to file for D. Or do other work. Every sitch is different, but let me say this: if you are just helping her pack because you think it will later "help" then that is manipulative and she will see through it. If you do help her pack do it out of love and wanting her to be happy and no other reason.

"Today hurt a lot, but I feel like I finally have a "decision" on her part. I think being in limbo land on D-Day (4/6/18) was just torture."

AJS, you are still too focused on her, and you are still trying to rush this.

On the first point, there is no FINAL DECISION on her part. Read the stories here of WASs that have left, divorced their LBS, and "moved on" only to come back later to pursue their LBS. If the LBS is open to it R is always a possibility. She is making this decision now, but that doesn't mean in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or more from now she won't want to come back.

Second, I am almost 5 months in and most of the experienced experts here will tell you that even that is very early. These things take weeks, months, and years to play out. Are you generally an impatient person? BDing takes patience. It takes not just 1 night of not talking but sometimes weeks and months of no contact. If you are not patient you will continue thwart the BD efforts you are making. And yes emailing her first is pursuit!!

[AJS1285]

Thanks everybody for your support and responses. Whenever I feel bad I come here for strength. I know I am a very sensitive person and having a really hard time with this, will break into tears and sob for 10 mins every other hour.

I think I am a bit impatient, and do not like open ended things (part of my control problem- which I am working on). I know DBing takes time, and even if she were to come back 6 months or 1 year, I just don't know if I want to wait that long (understand DB motivated to GAL and not "wait"). I keep having the thought, can I just file for D and be done with this? Being separated while she is already seeing somebody else is just too much pain to bear. I keep picturing them together, and not just sexually, but getting drinks outside, cuddling, etc....just sends me spirally.

I am honestly scared over the few weeks. I'd prefer to have no contact with her at all to start getting over her, but we have to figure out things like finances, what she is taking, paying our mortgage for our vacation home upstate etc.




Quick question, my wife just texted me she will be home for the first time in a week (been staying with the OM).

Do you think it is smart to not be here and stay somewhere else, or put my chin up and act as if?

[Davide]

I'm a newbie, so take my advice with a grain of salt. For me it would depend on how I am going to react. If I knew I could keep it together and be detached but warm, I would hang around. Otherwise I would split.

[SteveLW]

Quick question, my wife just texted me she will be home for the first time in a week (been staying with the OM).

Do you think it is smart to not be here and stay somewhere else, or put my chin up and act as if?

I'd say your real choice is whether or not to let her come back. You're not the one who left.