First timer. My story - MLC/WAW

[Davide]

No need to be sorry. You could definitely be right. Does that change how I should handle the situation?

[Cadet]

No need to be sorry. You could definitely be right. Does that change how I should handle the situation?

Well I guess my first question is do you want to be married to someone that is depressed and breaking different marital boundaries?
That is not taking care of themselves and running away from their own problems?

Just understand that I married someone like this and was married with what I thought was a great marriage for 28 years.

So next question is what boundaries do you have?

[Davide]

I have my own depression issues, so that is indubitably a factor in what led me to my wife.

I do want to be married to my wife, even when she was in the throes of a deep depression there were was a great love shared between us. Unfortunately I think I fell into a form of codependency in which everything I did became about taking care of her. That was as much my own problem as hers. I am working on myself right now, to find myself and build myself up so that I am in a better position for a relationship, whether it be this one or another. She is clearly working through her own issues as well.

I think that she was right that our relationship had devolved into a bad state. I don't think that she needed to blow it up the way she did in order to fix it, but I understand her inability to carry on the way things were going. I think she is taking care of her own problems the only way she knows how. She is reflecting and journaling and doing work on herself. Obviously, I don't agree with the running away from the relationship, but she clearly recognizes her own faults and need to improve herself.

That is a great question about my boundaries. I don't know the answer exactly. I know they are out there, but how would you advise drawing them up. I have already started to detach from the relationship because of her actions, but 4 weeks is not enough time for me to get there fully.

[Cadet]

That is a great question about my boundaries.
I don't know the answer exactly. I know they are out there, but how would you advise drawing them up. I have already started to detach from the relationship because of her actions, but 4 weeks is not enough time for me to get there fully.

I think buried in here is the way to answer some of her questions.
If you really feel the need to have to answer, which I am not sure you really should do.(My opinion only)

[Davide]

Cadet, Thank you so much for your responses. They certainly push me to think in different ways. I have read through the thread on boundaries, but I'm not sure how to apply them here.

I am still really struggling with not responding at all. Obviously jumping back in and sharing my beautiful memories of our relationship, or professing my love, is not the way to go. But it seems somewhat cold and distant to ignore a message like that. I read through Sandi's rules and I have been following them pretty well thus far. But in this case, she has initiated contact. I feel like the compassionate thing to do is to respond by asking if she wants to talk and then listening and validating her feelings without pushing her anywhere or sharing my feelings.

Can people explain to me the flaw in my thinking?

[Ste7e]

I am clearly no expert but I think you want to wait until she comes to you with a desire to work on the R vs just a temp check?

[Davide]

Fair point. But I wasn't going to work on the relationship with her. I was going to ask her if she wanted to talk so that I could listen and validate her feelings. Don't I want to establish a positive presence in her life?

[Cadet]

Don't I want to establish a positive presence in her life?

What have you been doing for the last 7-8 years?

Are you trying to have a positive presence while she is in a MLC?

Let me say that you can not talk your way out of it.

[Davide]

I wasn't a positive presence. I was depressed and co-dependent.

I am trying to work my way out of that. It is surely a long process, but I am taking steps.

I have no illusions of talking her out of her MLC. I simply want to validate and show that I care about her.

[Ste7e]

She knows that you care already...don t take the bait Also congrats on taking steps to fix yourself I know how hard it was, Just keep getting stronger