Thanks for the advice. Why do you think that it would be better if you had moved out? I often question my own decision to do that. It certainly gave her the space she needed and it forced me to confront all of this head-on and start working on myself. But it also separated us. She can't see the growth or feel my change in demeanor.
What do you think the wisdom is in taking back the house? I really am struggling with that idea. Last night I was on a group bike ride and we rode within sight of the house and it triggered a ton of anxiety in me. I can't imagine living in that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I just received an email from the W. She was reading messages and looking at photos of our trips. She asked if I had learned anything in this month, if I had learned anything? She said that she hoped we were better and stronger.
She said a day like today she misses what we were, life companions, with jokes, making faces in photos, going out to dinner, of playing with our dog, exploring ideas and places.
This just sent me for a loop. I don't know how to respond. My first thought is that I need to calm down before I respond. I spoke with a colleague/counselor and she suggested that I simply ask her if she wants to talk. I know that I don't want to jump too aggresively at this, but it also feels like it could be a possible opening.
Please advise.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I just received an email from the W. She was reading messages and looking at photos of our trips. She asked if I had learned anything in this month, if I had learned anything? She said that she hoped we were better and stronger.
She said a day like today she misses what we were, life companions, with jokes, making faces in photos, going out to dinner, of playing with our dog, exploring ideas and places.
This just sent me for a loop. I don't know how to respond. My first thought is that I need to calm down before I respond. I spoke with a colleague/counselor and she suggested that I simply ask her if she wants to talk. I know that I don't want to jump too aggresively at this, but it also feels like it could be a possible opening.
Please advise.
Sounds more like a test.
Don't say or do anything until you post it here and then wait 48 hours to get responses about what you plan to do.
This is not as urgent as you are making it out to be.
I know that I am blowing it up in my mind. It is the first weakness in her resolve that I have seen in the past few weeks. The part of me that thinks is urgent is convinced that I have to talk to her while the doubts are strong. Of course, I realize that is probably coming from a place of weakness and is reactionary when I should strive not to be reactionary.
I left off the part where she talked about wondering why she did this and whether she is making a mistake and why she had to ruin everything.
I don't think this is a test. We don't have that type of relationship. She is honestly struggling with this.
I think I need to validate her feelings and support her. I sort of like the idea that the counselor suggested to me. Simply asking if she wants to talk.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I wish I would have moved out because her moving out seemed to force her hand not to work on things preemptively. I hadn t had a chance to make changes yet.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/1802:18 AM. Reason: restored post
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
That is a very fair point about not having the relationship that I thought. It is true. I thought I had a partner I could count on through thick and thin that would work out problems with me rather than deciding to leave (figuratively).
That said, my W, while not always forthcoming about her feelings has never lied to me. That is not her personality or morality. She is hurting me now and being selfish, but she owns up to that and recognizes it.
In terms of 180s, I think you are probably spot on. Previously I would have immediately responded and jumped in about how much I have grown and what a positive relationship we had. I would have seized desperately at this opening. I would have used it as an opportunity to profess my undying love for her, about how I would be waiting at the end when she came out of this.
I think my response now should be more measured. It should focus entirely on her, validating her feelings, asking her questions, and leaving myself out of it. One issue that I see is that I have always taken on the role of the protector and person who would console her (since she was depressed for so long). How do I do a 180 from that without being cold or distant?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
One issue that I see is that I have always taken on the role of the protector and person who would console her (since she was depressed for so long). How do I do a 180 from that without being cold or distant?
So has she FIXED these issues? Or is she still depressed?
Good question. I would have said that she had come out of her depression. At the very least she had improved greatly over the past two years.
However, she does seem to be in the throes of a MLC and discontent with her life. I don't think that is depression, though.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
