last night was just weird. She does something nice, I accept and thank, she gets to D and is angry, hits me with it, I fire off some random "do you want to talk", she goes cold, walks and then opens up to tell me it's been a long day.
I didn't boundary/check her, but I didn't doormat either. Honestly the whole "talk" comment I said I have no idea where that came from. In a way I found myself feeling like I was subconsciously teasing her, but no idea why and it wasn't intentional. Had she wanted to talk, I'd have no clue where that would have gone.
I know there will be good days, bad days so just trying to put that encounter behind me, shake it off and learn what I can from it. Instead of a 180 it felt like I did a 90 if that makes any sense. As I've never done that before I'd imagine it confused her, as it did me as well. Need to give myself some grace that I'm only human and this is a learning process. Try to do better next time.
This weekend I'm heading out away while she takes D to her sister's. Think it will be good to just getaway and let us "breathe" if that makes sense. Try to see some friends and family I haven't seen in a long while. IC today as well, looking forward to the talk and doing more positive work on me. Has been a roller coaster week, working hard to maintain balance.
So she asked if you wanted something from the store, then got mad about it when you accepted? Sounds like she has a case of Nice Girl Syndrome. She was being nice and expected you to say "no, thanks for asking". When you took her up on it she got mad because she really didn't want to do it.
When it comes to WAWs and WWs, a lot of their words and actions do not make sense, are contradictory, or just flat-out are crazy. You can't make sense of it and you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out.
The best thing to do is to remain detached. Cool. Calm. Non-reactive. If she lashes out, validate. But try not to react. Just calmly respond.
Responding vs. reacting. That is my new mantra. Use the "take a second" rule. When you feel the urge to react, take a second and think about what you are about to say. And then go back to your validating responses."I'm sorry you are upset, but thank you for picking up the item for me."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...no, main thing I think is it took way longer for her to get done what she had planned..traffic, whatever and so from stress of the day she just arrived MAD.
Like she offered, I accepted/thanks and then she just was stressing. Calm is the keyword as you say.
I did after the fact validate and thank you. Definitely need to develop "the pause". She went down the rabbit hole and I followed her this go around.
So this weekend was fun for me and very little as far as contact with W. She did send me two pics of our D and then some information about a restaurant we like. I did today chat her to say happy Mother's Day, her reply was a simple thanks.
I having a hard time with the limbo I'm in. I mean moving along well enough with life, but basically not hearing from her nor feeling like I can communicate to her is pushing my patience to the limit. She has said "we have no relationship" and I can't argue with that, BUT she left and the last time I asked her to work/try with me on us which was a month ago now, she didn't want to. So I guess I'm at where I'm at with this sitch unless/until she has further interest in contacting me huh? I mean I know I can't pursue nor R talk, but I can't also be clingy "hey how was your day" type stuff either. Which basically leaves me where I am now. If I'm getting this wrong, please any exp'd folks let me know. I would like to "feel" like I'm doing more to speak with her/connect with her, but I don't see how that's possible per the DB rules.
ballast, I used to have a really bad outlook on limbo. I used to say that limbo was worse than D. Then I had a very wise poster here point out to me that limbo is the gift of time. Since I started seeing it that way it has transformed my outlook on limbo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
steve...yep I've seen and read that phrase many times during my time here. tough that we're now down I feel to just chatting about who gets my D and when. the transformation from M to strangers is painfully jarring on many levels, but what else can be done? all I can do is free her and move forward, but that is terribly difficult to do!
I'm unraveling a bit on this post so please forgive me, but I wonder if W is having an A. I only say this as I don't know one way or the other AND I have not once tried to find out. The not knowing gnaws at me constantly though. If she was then I feel like I could much easier move on and drop the rope. If I NEVER know then how can I ever know if I could ever trust her again?
Like I said no idea if she is/isn't AND I won't snoop nor ask, but then the uncertainty. Any comments/thoughts on this would be appreciated. 2x4's as well!
ballast, my only advice to you is that right now it doesn't matter. If and when she ever wants to come back, then you need to address part 2 above. Because trust is huge! No question about it. But she has to want to come back first before it matters.
So keep DBing. If she decides to come back make MC a prerequisite.
I know marriage experts disagree on the issue of full disclosure. Personally, I am a proponent of it. In your case for example, how can you ever trust her again if she isn't forthcoming with any and all indiscretions she may be guilty of. Plus those things have a way of coming back sooner or later, so you will eventually find out anyway. So if she comes back, find a MC that embraces full disclosure, and then move forward accordingly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I having a hard time with the limbo I'm in. I mean moving along well enough with life, but basically not hearing from her nor feeling like I can communicate to her is pushing my patience to the limit.
Yeah it's really hard at first, but this is your "new normal" as the counselors like to call it. Your old M is dead and gone. There's no "going back to normal", so you are in the process of figuring out your new normal. It'll take a few months. Your W doesn't want to be in your life anymore, and she doesn't want you in hers. Can that change? It certainly can, but it's going to be many months or even a year or more before it does. In the meantime you need to establish a new life without W. You've got to find distractions and things for you to do to take your mind off your sitch. At first it won't work, your thoughts will be consumed with her. But little by little you will shift to being focused on other things.
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She has said "we have no relationship" and I can't argue with that, BUT she left and the last time I asked her to work/try with me on us which was a month ago now, she didn't want to.
Don't ask that anymore. If she ever changes her mind she will let you know.
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So I guess I'm at where I'm at with this sitch unless/until she has further interest in contacting me huh? I mean I know I can't pursue nor R talk, but I can't also be clingy "hey how was your day" type stuff either. Which basically leaves me where I am now.
That's correct. Don't be cold and indifferent, but don't pursue her. Read Sandi's rules all the time, that is your template on how to act around her.
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I would like to "feel" like I'm doing more to speak with her/connect with her, but I don't see how that's possible per the DB rules.
I know that right now you think pursuit is your best option. But it's not, it's your WORST option. It will drive her farther away. Pulling back and giving her time and space is your best option. She doesn't like you right now. She probably resents you and you may even repulse her. I know that's tough to hear, but you need to understand where she is coming from so you can understand why you should leave her alone. Back before I was married there were two young ladies I dated at different times and broke up with. One begged and pleaded and called constantly. She looked absolutely pathetic and completely unattractive to me because of it, I couldn't stand it. The other just cut all contact and went silent. That made me wonder what she was up to, why she wasn't pursuing me. She suddenly seemed mysterious and interesting. You see the dynamic at work here?
I said you don't want to talk to me, we're husband and wife and she said not for much longer.
Nuclear no-no. (1) Laying on a heaping helping of guilt, (2) acting entitled to a relationship with her when she wants to get away, (3) denying her desire to separate by stating that "we're husband and wife."
Hopefully you see that you should never make statements like this. You shoveled a heaping load of coal on the old resentment fire and that's why you got the reaction you did.
Originally Posted By: Ballast
I fire off some random "do you want to talk"
100% pursuit. Talking about feelings is a request for intimacy. You don't want to talk to her about her feelings, or your feelings. Now repeat that 1000 times until you believe it!
Originally Posted By: Ballast
If she was then I feel like I could much easier move on and drop the rope.
Nope, if you find out she's having an affair you'll obsess over every detail. What you don't discover, you'll invent and then obsess over that. For any scrap of evidence that you find, your brain will fill in the worst possible interpretation of events. You'll spend hours wondering "what does he have that I don't have". You'll get angry and indignant. The one thing you WON'T do is find it much easier to move on.
Originally Posted By: Ballast
If I NEVER know then how can I ever know if I could ever trust her again?
How can you trust her again anyway? She yanked the rug out from under you for no good reason. That's why you feel you can't trust her. If she comes back tomorrow you'll feel like you're tipping back in a chair about to fall over all the time. If she had an affair its not going to help but it really won't change the reconciliation landscape that much either.
Ballast, you've got to turn that lighthouse spotlight beam off of her and focus on you and the life you want to lead. The more you obsess about her and wonder what she's thinking, what she's doing, how she's feeling and why, the harder you're going to make things on you. Get out an exercise, play an instrument, join a club, as DB says "Get a LIFE!"
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
