Newbie looking for support and guidance

[SteveLW]

Thanks for the reply. I really don't know what to do first. My main concern is to try and keep her from leaving as once a spouse lives the residence, chances to R drop to like 20% or something. I've been thinking of last resort, but seeing her hurting yesterday and saying "she isn't doing great" wants me to reach out and say something like "are you open to holding off on moving out temporarily?" Thoughts? I don't want to pursue, but i feel like she is looking for hope I haven't given up (since its been over a week since a last said it).

Anybody been in this situation or recommend the best DB to have her re-think moving out? We are in NYC so it will take at least a few weeks to find and a place and move in.

Again you are doing it wrong. DB isn't about controlling her!! You have to understand that. DBing is to control you and your emtions and actions. If that causes her to come around great, if not great. I am not sure where you got your 20% stat but I am calling hogwash. This forum is full of stories of Ws moving out only to eventually return and move towards R.

If she insists on going, let her. In fact, you can't stop her. To do so would be a felony. You were doing it right before, it is fine to tell her what you'd like "I'd like you to stay but I can't stop you from leaving."

As another poster said, look up Nice Guy Syndrome, you appear to have a bad case of it.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[AJS1285]

Thank you all, this forum really does help.

She actually just called because she found an apartment, wanted to tell me about it and that she has missed me the past few days. She started talking about how she has been feeling, how we shouldn't of gotten married, timing was bad, we were looking too much to the future. That she doesn't think she can love me the way I want to be loved, and that she is worried I won't be able to make her happy.

Right about here is it hit hard me that she really might be gone already. She is still wayward, but not as much as before. I kept thinking about how she described her emotional connection with this guy, how it was so natural and how we don't have that. Was really hard to hear. I stayed strong, said I'm sorry you feel that way, that is in the past, I feel differently. I am willing to work through things as those are solvable, but not as long as you are involved with another man. She said she is still confused, didn't deny continuing the affair, just need to get an apartment to have space.

Here is the kicker - She asked me to be the guarantor on the lease for her new apartment:

W: Can you sign as the guarantor for the apt I saw today?
Me: I'm sorry I am not going to do that
W (getting angrier): Why not, it doesn't really mean anything
Me: I'm see why you're frustrated, but I am not going to do that. This is your decision.
W (angrier): Wow, why can't you help me getting this apartment?
Me: I'm sorry, you are on your own.
W: Wow, I have to go (hangs up)

I text her: I'm sorry, but I am not going to help you leave me. Just have your parents sign.
No response.

At first, I felt like I did something wrong piss her off, I almost immediately questioned if I should back and agree, but I stood firm. I actually don't mind signing it (doesn't mean much in NYC), but it was more of principal here.

I am sure a lot of guys say this all the time, but I really don't think there is hope. She is moving out and continuing the affair. Just coming to terms that I think I believe her when she says she isn't sure if she is coming back because there is too much damage.

This [censored].

[AJS1285]

Well I kinda of faltered....I called her back to ask if she was okay and that I was honestly worried about her as everything as been out of character (i think this breaks every DB rule), especially having an open affair while we work through things, it was not her moral fiber. Surprisingly, it somehow broke through to her.....she isn't sure how to cope with this, the too much damage has been done and she wanted to make it easier for me (I know I am not supposed to believe it, but it was the first time I heard her speak genuinely in weeks).

We re-hatched some of our past problems to which I 1) owned up to and 2) said that is in the past and we are both different people now and going forward. I loved her and always will, and will always have the what if because we never had a shot to heal from this and try to grow stronger (showed her the door).

That is when she said let me think on it and we can talk tomorrow.

I know this is all anti-DB, but I genuinely had a moment that hit me like a ton of bricks that I don't want to put the effort in and I was done and wanted to move on. I will let you know how tomorrow goes, but I expecting her not to change and that is fine by me.

I choose not to DB because I don't think she is worth it. I deserve better.

[AJS1285]

Well that didn't last long....spiraled hard and pursued via text......Tomorrow is a new day, not sure where my mind is.

[SteveLW]

AJS please look up Nice Guy Syndrome. You handled it great when she called about the lease UNTIL you texted her afterward! Her anger was a good sign. Unfortunately, your Nice Guy Syndrome couldn't handle her being angry.

Telling her your are done and moving on is not anti-DB. Spiraling hard and pursuing via text is. If you just stopped following up with texts after you did a great job verbally you'd be way better off. Look up Nice Guy Syndrome. I am afraid you will continue to thwart yourself until you get a grip on it.

[AJS1285]

Thanks Steve. I did look it up and hard to read that it is me to a fault. Worse is I know it and having trouble adjusting. I find when I am in a place like I am now with my life falling apart it comes out more.

We are supposed to talk tonight, I will re-focus on GAL regardless of what she says. Even if she is willing to end the affair, I don't know if I can trust her since she is moving out. Just feel like it is really over.

She is convinced it is not just a short term affair, that she just met somebody she got to know over the past year and genuinely thinks he can make her happier.

[SteveLW]

Read sandi's rules. Read as much from sandi as you can. She has written a lot of the mindset and behavior of wayward wives. My favorite sandi rule:

BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT SHE DOES.

This goes both ways. If she starts talking about staying in the marriage don't believe it. She may be manipulating you. If she talks like it is really and truly over, don't believe her.

Finally it will be over when you say it is. WWs like to keep their LBH on the hook. Sandi has written a lot about this. SHe will try to keep you her friend. She will try to keep you around when she has a need. "I need someone to put together my new TV stand, can you come do it?" You will be tempted to take her up on all of this type of thing, especially as a Nice Guy. Don't do it.

Read as much as you can here and learn as much as you can. You can do things that will increase your chances of saving your marriage. It will feel counter-intuitive, but these methods have saved hundreds if not thousands of marriages.

[AJS1285]

Thanks Steve. I am really struggling this morning, just in terms of pure pain and hurt - I think I really am starting to realize there is a good chance she is not coming back. Not debbie-downer, I just think deep down I thought she would snap out of it and come running back. I can see that is not the case. I try not to believe everything she says, but when she says she can't come back because too much damage has been done and worries about how she will be viewed by friends and family. I believe that because it seems like she shows she wants to come back but can't for that reason (not just because of the damage to our marriage).

I will re-read Sandi's posts again, but just hurting a lot right now. This forum has given me strength, but feel like 5 weeks in it is still so raw and can't see any light.

[SteveLW]

Thanks Steve. I am really struggling this morning, just in terms of pure pain and hurt - I think I really am starting to realize there is a good chance she is not coming back. Not debbie-downer, I just think deep down I thought she would snap out of it and come running back. I can see that is not the case. I try not to believe everything she says, but when she says she can't come back because too much damage has been done and worries about how she will be viewed by friends and family. I believe that because it seems like she shows she wants to come back but can't for that reason (not just because of the damage to our marriage).

I will re-read Sandi's posts again, but just hurting a lot right now. This forum has given me strength, but feel like 5 weeks in it is still so raw and can't see any light.

5 weeks is like 5 milliseconds in these situations. This is still so raw. You have many more weeks of roller-coastering. Read other peoples' sitches. Months in they still spiral.

But whether you can see it yet or not there is light at the end of the tunnel. Trust me on this. You will come out on the other side bigger and better. Whether she is still there or not, you will be fine.