Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 4

[Gordie]

How is your son?

How was the beer bread?

[AndrewP]

Hi Gordie. The beer bread turned out quite nicely. It had a consistency and flavour not unlike a scone or tea biscuit. I had a couple of "man-slabs" with my dinner. Still lots left over though. I'm not sure how well it will keep.

Amazingly simple though and the house smelled wonderful while it cooked.

My son got home around 5:00pm - much earlier than expected and appeared burned out - no real surprise. He didn't want any dinner saying that he already had lots to eat (probably at the traditional lunch after the funeral) and went straight to his room.

After a while I knocked on his door and gave him a tray of fresh cookies from the shop across the street saying "you've had a bad day - this will help". He was appreciative and also tried the beer bread later. Carbs always help my mood while endangering my waistline.

I think he's grateful that this is over and done with. For lots of reasons.

In part because SIL1 was curious and I was too I drove by my ex's apartment this morning and only slightly to my surprise OM's truck was there too. I expect she needed some extra comforting from a rough day burying her parents, being judged by her family and their friends (I'm sure many of them know of her cheating), and perhaps the email I sent requesting she get off her duff and finish the paperwork.

I expect it was a tough day on everyone. My ex had a practice of complaining loudly and bitterly about her relatives any time we went to see them (which was regularly) and then louder on the way back. I expect she had lots of reasons to do so this time. I do wonder if her secret illegitimate half-sister showed up. They were all afraid of this for decades.

Certainly no chances of her circling around in the near term if ever.

It sounds unkind, but I have always and still do wonder why OM is still hanging around her. She's not much of a prize with a bad temper, health issues, and a nutbar family. I fully expect that sex is rare and unenthusiastic as once she had me landed (after 3 months) that was the case for us. She's not even completely divorced and hadn't made any effort to be divorced until forced into it by me. On the other hand she may be putting out an effort (if you'll forgive the pun) to keep him hooked.

There are lots of mature, completely available women around with a lot less issues he could have picked except that she was the first in line when he was coping with the loss of his wife.

Sunk costs I suppose like all of us and I expect especially my ex.

I was telling my SIL army that in some ways I feel sad for her. This is (I presume) one heck of a mess that she is in. Lost her home and her family. Lost the respect of those around her. Has a boyfriend who hasn't made a commitment (I presume). The odds are certainly non-zero that she will end up alone and broke especially when my support payments stop as scheduled.

I did have a laugh this morning when I got an email from the Wyndam Garden hotel in Niagara Falls asking me to rate my recent visit. Well the last time I was there was in 2014 for my 25th anniversary so I expect she and OM where there being all romantic. The old me would have forwarded the email to her suggesting she sort things out. Instead I wrote my review and pointed out that it wasn't me, but instead was my ex-wife and the man she left me for and that perhaps they should contact her to update the contact info. I don't know if they'll do it, but I am sure that it would come as a start to her that I knew about her liaison.

Anyhoo - thanks again for the visit and perhaps try that recipe yourself. I'm sure with all your kids there will be no worries about left-overs and the alcohol would all be evaporated long before serving.

[AndrewP]

Looks like I'm going to blow through this thread fairly briskly. I'm grateful though for a place to pull out my entrails and see what I can read in them. I should be focusing on cleaning the house right now or going for a walk before it rains, but I need to be here right now.

This is going to go in all sorts of directions - sorry.

I really feel like something inside me has changed and I don't understand it and I'm not sure I like it.

The weather yesterday was fabulous and I was able to satisfy some of my itch to get outside and do stuff. I nailed down some tin on the back porch roof that had lifted during the wind-storm we had on Friday, replaced the leaking outside tap and felt ever so manly (actually it was nice to do "guy stuff" for a change), weeded the main flower bed and got my laundry out on the line for the first time this year.

Sadly, one of the clotheslines broke dumping my laundry on to the lawn. S23 came out and we stared at things in a masculine fashion before we agreed that the failing part needed to be replaced and couldn't reasonably be repaired.

Something has changed with S23 in the last couple of weeks and especially since he attended his grandparent's burial with his mother and OM. He's become a lot more cheerful and chatty and - this sounds weird perhaps - less judgmental.

He wanted beer this weekend so he actually got up and we did groceries and errands together. He met the cute teller at the bank who is going to exchange fresh baking for the juicer that was bought in 2003 for $250, used perhaps twice and then put on a shelf. I did mention as we left the bank that I had been trying to work up the courage to ask the teller out and he seemed disapproving. Not about that particular person, but about me dating. I get similar messaging from his sister too.

I presume that both of them are in somewhat regular contact with their mother but expect that the conversations continue to be as my daughter said shortly after bomb-day "superficial" and that they have no insights into her plans, hopes or dreams.

For me, I'm completely convinced that she is still focused on building her life with OM and that as I wrote on OwnIt's thread, that any perceived hesitation in finishing off the paperwork is a combination of a reluctance to face anything difficult along with keeping her hooks into me as a plan B.

She's not coming back and I'm not waiting for her. I don't know if the kids have thoughts of her coming back or not. It's one of the "boundaries" we have where we don't talk about their mother. She and OM are still "together" albeit as far as I know still living in separate places with occasional overnights. Perhaps that is what they are both wanting. A lot of mature people have relationships like that but I can't imagine that being what my ex wants. But again - I've misplaced the mind-reading turban yet again and don't know.

A couple of things that happened yesterday have thrown me for a bit of a loop.

After the repairs to the clothesline were done and my tools and the ladder were put away, I took a look at the back flower bed. The roses from my ex's grandparent's farm are gone. I don't know when they were taken. It could have been any time since last fall. There were leaves in the divot where the plants were but they could have blown there any time. I have memory I think of seeing the roses this spring though but I'm not sure - it's one of those things that you don't really think of. I did send her that email on Wednesday advising her that she had until the end of the month but she maybe has already been and gone. A milestone. She would have no reason to ever set foot on what used to be OUR home and is now just mine.

I'm going to stick with the original plan though and not purge the garden ornaments nor dig up the plants I won't be keeping until June.

Another thing that happened yesterday was that after talking about it for a few weeks S23 took the spare desk from the front bedroom that I've used as an office for 25+ years that had been his mother's and moved it into his room. I'd kept some files in it and a spare couple of computers but it had just "been there" and not it's not. It was unexpected that he did that yesterday. I had told him that I was planning on doing a final purge of the house sometime in June and figured he'd wait until then.

With it out of the room, it felt empty. I knew that I should re-arrange things and take down for example the bulletin board that she used but felt overwhelmed. I'm part way through the process at the moment but am coping with the strangeness.

This morning bttrfly wrote

BUT: For the first time in a long time I started to feel again like I don't want to open up to someone. I don't want to get to know their people, their families, deal with dynamics, any of it.

I don't know if she meant it the way that I'm interpreting it, but for the last week or so and very strongly today - I don't see myself with a new partner. Thinking about dating the teller from the bank, the nice lady from the flower shop, one of my co-workers, all feels "messy" and "too much effort". The co-workers who I have flirted with I've been avoiding. This coincides as well with a noticeable and surprising drop in my appetite. Yesterday I had to almost force myself to make myself dinner. I just wasn't hungry but had only had a scone for lunch and a light breakfast otherwise.

I've got a good life as a single guy. It's not as rich as it might be, but in some ways is like my life was when I was married. Comfortable. But it also feels like a life without a purpose. I get up, go to work, come home, do the dishes. I cook, clean, putter in the garden, read a good book, listen to podcasts on history and economics (yep - I'm "that" exciting) and make bad jokes at my own expense. Oh and as Amy just reminded me, I pet cats quite a bit. If I was a widower, this is the sort of life I would have expected to have. My ex and I did talk from time to time about our lives if we lost the other and both felt that we wouldn't look for someone else. In part joking that after all those years of training someone we wouldn't want to start all over again I wonder how that's working out for her.

So - if you made it this far, congratulations. I feel a bit better going through this exercise. I don't know what I intended and wish I had someone IRL I could talk to and explore this with. My family and friends either want to talk about my ex or just tell me to brighten up and go find someone new.

Well - there's a pork loin roast in the slow cooker for dinner. The office is a shambles and needs to be put into order, there's dusting, sweeping, vacuuming and scrubbing to be done - some of which won't be done. And yes - there's ironing waiting for me. "A man's work is never done".

A bien tot mes ami

[kml]

Dude - you're showing symptoms of depression. You need to figure out what will help you with that.

As for your adult kids and their resistance to you dating - it doesn't necessarily mean anything about your ex. Kids just have trouble visualizing their parents dating (and certainly don't want to think about their parents having sex! ) They'll get over it but I wouldn't discuss your dating life with them unless you find yourself in a serious relationship. Heck, my adult kids didn't meet any of the men I dated for the first four years after my divorce.

You're much too young to be resigning yourself to a life alone. But you might not be ready to date yet, and that's ok - we all have a different timeline for recovery. What you do need though is a new focus in your life - some challenge to distract your mind and get you out in the world. I took up playing the drums at 52 and it was the best thing I ever did. What have you wanted to learn or do but marriage or caution held you back? Go for it!

[Gordie]

Andrew

I am glad KML just said that

I too am worried about you

What worked for me

Friends

Counseling

Faith

Work

Kids

Hobbies

Exercise

What works for you?

[Gordie]

[Gordie]

Tell your family and friends

Please do not ever talk to me avout ex again

It is just too painful

They will back off

Or you will stop talking to them

[exquisitetobe]

Andrew, grieving take as long as needed. You' ll have strong days and you' ll have hard ones.
You are processing and moving along.
Dating?? I am in no position to say anything about the subject.

You are a great man and you love pies.. common, who would not have a piece?? Lol
Stay strong.. the ice is melting and the boat will soon hit shore!
(( Andrew ))

[job]

Andrew,

Each person grieves differently. Some take a long time to heal and others a shorter period of time. You can't force/rush the process. You have to work through it and not side step it as it will come back to bite you when you least expect it.

Maybe it's time to venture out of the your comfort zone and pick up a new hobby, join a group for bird watching or some other such thing.

You will know when you are ready to begin dating again. It's one step at a time.

[AndrewP]

Dude - you're showing symptoms of depression. You need to figure out what will help you with that.

Thanks everyone. I've been indulging in some extra self-care. A few more carbs, walks in the sunshine. I just finished changing the oil in the snowblower and lawnmower. Doesn't sound like self-care but it is to me. Things I like to do.

This weekend I expect to be hard. I would presume that S23 will be spending much of Sunday with his mother as it is Mother's Day here in Canada. We've not talked about it. If I recall last year - which was shortly after he'd moved home - he had a short visit over dinner with his mother. The year before I was busily drinking up the waters of De-Nile.

It's not that though that will make it hard. Last year I was still in a WTF - haze. This year, it's hitting me - I will be going through Mother's Day without any sort of Mother to celebrate. I lost my own a fair number of years ago. I'll think of something to keep myself busy and plan on a solo dinner at home. I don't want to face restaurants full of happy people celebrating.

In hind-sight it was mostly me that pushed celebrating the various days of the year anyway. And this is the only one that is problematic and perhaps only for this last year.

SIL1 had an interesting theory about the Mystery of the Shattered Wine Bottle. It is possible that it co-incided with my ex taking her roses. It makes a certain amount of bizarre MLC sense that she would take the opportunity to snoop around the house at the same time. It seems to happen in a lot of the stories I've read that the WS keeps tabs on and is suspicious about the BS.

The amount she is watching me etc is really irrelevant. I can't imagine her breaking in again though if she did - and yes - I've been wrong about lots of things.

And no - I'm not going to bother changing the locks. This place is easy to break in to just by ringing the doorbell and having S23 answer it or by sliding open a back window. I do have "very" nosy neighbours too.

I'm not worried about the dating thing. Even though I've been toying with the idea since forever, I feel no pressure either internally or externally to make those sorts of changes. My "work daughter" is encouraging me to ask out the lady from the bank though and suggesting ways to introduce the topic. She's a nice kid. The same age as my "real daughter" and smart as a whip. Surprisingly for a young lady from India she is very open and outgoing with an underlying strength that I admire. She fusses at me and encourages me to tell my long boring stories. I get a weird "hero worship" vibe from her that is a bit bothersome especially when I give her projects that are interesting and require her to stretch her skills outside her basic role. She's not a direct report but the management team in my department is essentially absent and I suspect I'm the most senior colleague she's dealt with having the most experience in my department. I don't think that some of the others take her as seriously as I do. She has buckets of potential and I expect won't be sitting in her current role for long.

Anyhoo - I ain't dead - now that I've named my issue, it's easier to deal with it. I recognize it as a form of grief which I am working on letting go of.