I wasn't saying that example as something we should do. Each one of us decides how to live their life. However, I just wanted to write that as an example of how uncertain life can be. Neither one of them expected it to happen that way, but they are all happy it is that way now. I don't see myself being friends with OM either, and probably won't be. But if my XW ditches this guy and meets someone else down the line, then I probably don't see any issues with it. This one cut a bit too deep to prevent me from wanting to accept him as a friend, regardless of how my children feel.
My issue comes mainly from calling people sh1t. Maybe you don't mean that as I take it, because during my T sessions and everything I've read about psychology, I've learned that no one is ultimately a bad person. Most of our behavior is related to our past and people can't really change their emotion regulation without actively understanding how they act and seeking for help. I'd call it an illness (it certainly wouldn't hurt to put each one of us to get a few therapy sessions...). Sure, we can all call people whatever we want, but in my opinion that just feels like taping our own self-image back together as a temporary bandaid rather than understanding that our self-image was only seemingly broken, scratched. We don't have to label people to anything, but to understand that they did not have the right tools to regulate or fix their emotions so they did what they thought was the right thing to do to steer their own life towards the path they wanted it to go.
To be clear, I don't defend people for what they do, but I'd rather attack other factors like schools, social stigma on therapy and so on than the individual people. People can't change and fix their behavior unless they really understand why they feel like they do. I am saddened that we all had to endure these feelings, but at the same time I'm certain all of us can heal if we so want, without labels or temporary ego fixes.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I knew that my priority was my kids, but I also acutely realized that I had to make myself the priority too. One of my failings in the MR and with life in general and other relationships was that I always minimized my needs. After BD I realized that my needs are super important and I had to figure out a way to be a healthy individual with a satisfying life for me to be a good parent. Hence came the 'Law of Shared Needs'.
So I feel much more grounded and because I am feeding my own spirit and pursuing joy in life, I am a way better parent for my kids. I wouldn't have gotten here without DBing and this community.
M.... well said! Since BD I have realized I did much of the same as you, it was always more important that everyone around me had their needs met while I never focused on myself(trait of the Nice Guy) This is a constant work in progress as I struggle at times to put myself first before my kids. With the warmer weather upon us I have a bunch of things planned for myself to do, this is something I would have never done. More GAL!
dusty - yeah. I think once I realized that it totally changed everything for me. Also allowed me to find a way to achieve balance in life. My life was so unbalanced and tilted towards kids and other people that I was digging myself into the ground. I had no skills to figure out how to meet that balance. This has helped me being able to let go of my controlling tendencies as well because I've been able to balance my somewhat neurotic controlling tendencies and weighing it against what would be the worst consequence if things didn't go according to 'my' plan or the 'right way of doing stuff'. And I realized that the consequences are truly nothing to get worked up about - result in being destressed and less controlling and less anxious.
I saw W today briefly at kids activity and for the first time I didn't have a small pit in my stomach. I've been trying to just pretend and act 'as if' and doing it, but there has always been a small level of anxiousness and uncertainty. Today it was all good. I went and saw my kids and admired what they did and had the regular hello convo with W without feeling anything was gnawing at me slowly from the inside - which I consider quite a victory where I am at emotionally and mentally.
Again, feeling like I've reached a new zone of detachment and self-confidence and self-worth.
Also, I think this is the first time in my life I feel that I am a good looking attractive man. I've had flirty and fun convos with some women lately and it has been quite good for my self-esteem. Not saying I am some stud or something, but I never felt in my life that I was worthy of being loved and someone would be attracted to me. I know now that it isn't true and I know that I look good and I put myself together quite well - I have my own style and aesthetics, I groom well, and I have an outgoing confident personality that is coming out again. I am in a place where I can see that women are noticing that and it's cool. I am not being a narcissist or anything, but I am realizing that I can attract good people and that I am not doing anything for anyone else, but me. I think I am finally in a place where I am coming to terms to loving myself and forgiving myself - not just for the MR, but for stuff that's happened in life that I took the blame and burden for.
Everything is coming together slowly and clicking in the right places. I think for the first time in my life I am truly feeling what happiness and joy can feel like - and that is because I am finally loving myself and who I am and what I bring.
It has been such a journey and I wish I could explain in more detail some of the aspects of my journey, but that would be revealing too much personal information, and I don't want W or someone I know to find me out here and read my DB journey.
All in all, at the core of this, if you can patiently work to find that love for yourself and forgive yourself, the rest is all pancakes and whipped cream and chocolate syrup.
I won't be saving my MR as I see it now, but I am not fazed by it anymore. I want newbies who come here to read my story and see that I am a blazing success - I certainly feel that way and it shows because I am finally coming to be who I am again. There is a good place after the dark tunnel. Saving yourself is never hopeless.
I have a final IC appt booked for later this month and I am also getting my second set of ink done soon. They are going to be cathartic final moments for me to mark the end of the journey of pain and despair. I have timed my ink appt with the one year BD anniversary to mark the finality of this journey. The ink I am getting is very much linked to my journey and the design is going to reflect the path I have taken and where I am going. After that, the whole world is open and I will continue to heal and find my place in this world - stronger, smarter, and happier.
Good for you, man. I'm happy for you. And you're 100% right. Not all success stories end up with getting your spouse back. And it's hard for a lot of us to see that in the beginning..
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I saw W today briefly at kids activity and for the first time I didn't have a small pit in my stomach. I've been trying to just pretend and act 'as if' and doing it, but there has always been a small level of anxiousness and uncertainty. Today it was all good. I went and saw my kids and admired what they did and had the regular hello convo with W without feeling anything was gnawing at me slowly from the inside - which I consider quite a victory where I am at emotionally and mentally.
Goals. Itll take a long time i think, but, goals.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
mtb - yeah it is hard to see it in the beginning for sure. We are so desperately trying to get control back, and we view that as the other person coming back and getting things status quo.
OrangeK - yeh it takes a long time for sure, and it requires personal work. Time won't magically make that happen. But, in situations with abuse, it complicates things a lot. There's just so much to get through.
Oh I believe in bad people and also in evil. If you want a sober read look to children of the lie by Scott Peck.
The G is evil, I believe that and a very bad man. I truly believe he plotted harm and that he meant what he said 'I would be better off if you were dead' and trust me if you saw the lizard look, the cold snake stare you wouldn't question.
Some of the awful things that happen and are discussed on this board are truly chilling. It requires saying.
In this I am not talking about cheating and wayward behaviour although that is entitled bull crap. I am saying other things, sexual abuse, hitting children, adopting children and abandoning them, not using protection when sleeping around, abandoning pregnant women, falsely accusing their spouse and getting them arrested, theft of marital assets, abandoning kids and seriously gaslighting amoung others. Intending deliberate harm for personal profit. All of these things have been reported on this board.
So yes, there are weak and wayward people and there are those who abuse for pleasure. To extract resources. And it's women and men, gay and straight: ultimately it is intended to destroys lives. This isn't mental illness, fog or crisis; it's evil in action.
In many ways saying, ahhhh it's just their behaviour dodges the question and it keeps those in pain seeking the redemption of the other. If we call it what it is destructive and state that these human doings (not beings) are the children of the lie then we know that we must stop any R and manage our self love. We get away, protect ourselves and our children from it.
M, it has been my delight and pleasure to see you grow and develop, shift of the kind you have shown is one of the most remarkable post traumatic growth sitches here. I just love it, and in my eyes you are an enormous success.
In healing yourself, learning to self love then you place yourself somewhere that this will not happen again and you provide stability for your two precious children. That is brave and inspiring.
And it hasn't been easy. I know this.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
good for you Maika. being a newbie here its hard to understand the journey or the redemption you feel but you sound liberated and ready to take the newer, better path. I truly wish you get the happiness you deserve
V - I agree with you. There are definitely evil people in this world and this board is full of such people who have done horrendous things. Any LBS in a situation with a person like that should just walk away and rebuild their lives IMHO>
Thanks for the kinds words about my journey. It wouldn't have been possible without people like you here. Your assistance in helping me figure out how to approach my goals was really helpful.
I am practicing gratitude on a daily basis and I have two beautiful children who keep me on my toes and are also helping me grow as a person. I do feel like a success because I have clarity and purpose and ways to achieve my goals rather than just being in a depressed paralytic state, which I was before.
Arshi - thanks for your kind words. I cannot imagine being in a situation with such a young child and going through this. Just know that there is happiness and joy and success, and it does not depend on you being able to recon your marriage. Just focus on YOU and how you are able to find those spaces and time pockets to get relief for yourself. Your H is acting out tantrums and sounds emotionally immature - let him go and do his thing. He's going to quickly find out that the world outside is not full of roses.
I saw W today briefly at kids activity and for the first time I didn't have a small pit in my stomach. I've been trying to just pretend and act 'as if' and doing it, but there has always been a small level of anxiousness and uncertainty. Today it was all good. I went and saw my kids and admired what they did and had the regular hello convo with W without feeling anything was gnawing at me slowly from the inside - which I consider quite a victory where I am at emotionally and mentally.
M...... I have had the same issue being around XW since BD. Last week we were both at D12's game, enjoying how great she was doing. XW then came over and stood(close??) next to me and we had a real good talk about mostly kids stuff. I for the first time had zero anxiety while talking to her, i'm not sure what it was this time compared to other times we talked but I was very comfortable with where I'm at and how I now feel about her.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Again, feeling like I've reached a new zone of detachment and self-confidence and self-worth.
This is what I am trying to get to, i've got the detachment down, could still use some tweeking but I'm in a good place here. My IC has been working a bunch with me lately on the my "self worth" I am having trouble with this one. She turned me onto an author, Brene Brown, she has a bunch of Ted Talks along with a handful of books. A lot of her topics deal with vulnerability and shame, for some reason she has really hit home for me. Look her up, her books have been real helpful for me.
