Hanging On (Saying ILY Pt. 3)

[mtb1981]

Link to previous thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2781000&page=10

Time to move on. It took me awhile to get here, but all that really matters is that I made it. A lot of the reason it took as long as it did was the mixed signals from W (telling me she wanted to make things work, always telling me she loved me, etc.). And the fact that I felt like I needed proof of the A. I believe I've learned enough to know that he's more than "just a friend"...

[mtb1981]

mtb, if you think she may make some bad financial choices that you need to insulate yourself from then 1 or 2 are your only options. Talk to a lawyer as the laws vary widely from state-to-state regarding whether you're financially insulated in a legal separation versus D.

I don't think she's able to make many bad financial decisions. She has zero credit, so there is no worry of her getting a credit card or anything like that. The only thing she can really screw up is not paying her rent at her new place and getting evicted. Not sure how much of that can fall on me, but you're right, it's something I need to look into...

[mtb1981]

Also, W called about 4 times last night, but I wasn't near my phone. She left a message saying she had gotten a job at the local country club and was supposed to start tonight, and seemed excited. I just sent her a text over lunch saying, "Congrats on the new job..). She immediately replied, asking if she could call me. I told her that was fine. She called and was pretty upset because they told her she couldn't start tonight they needed to run the idea by the board before they could hire her. This isn't happening until Tuesday. She then asked how I was doing, and I told her I was doing fine. She said she called me last night to tell me about the job, because I'm always the first person she calls when she has good or bad news. She asked if we could still be friends, to which I replied, That's not something I'm interested in right now" She seemed confused and said she didn't understand why we had to hate each other, why we couldn't be friends, and do things together with the kids. I told her I don't hate her, that we could still do things with the kids, but I wasn't interested in being friends. By this time, my lunch period was over, so I told her I had to go. She seemed a little baffled and I could tell it bothered her that I didn't want to make myself available to be her friend. And the conversation ended. It may be mind reading on my part, but I think this was the first time she realized that I'm not going to be a part of her life anymore...

I'm not very good at validating, and I'm not even sure I should be validating at this point. But I am considering sending her some sort of validating text about her possibly not getting the job. Maybe "I'm sorry you may not get the job, I could tell you were excited. That must be really discouraging." Like I said, I'm not even sure if I should send anything, but validating would definitely be a 180 for me. Any advice on whether or not I should send the text? And if I should, is that a good message to send? Or do I need to change it in some way?...

Thanks for your input, everyone...

[SteveLW]

I'd say no, don't send the text. If you want to validate when she DOESN'T get the job, fine, but right now you are validating her potentially not getting the job?

I think this is your Nice Guy side coming out after feeling like you disappointed her with the "not interested in being friends" thing.

Also, likely the whole "i always call you first", "can we still be friends" thing is more than likely the "I want that $2k" rearing its ugly head again.

[mtb1981]

Steve, I get what you're saying. I don't see it as necessarily validating her potentially not getting the job, but instead, validating her feelings on the subject. Like I said, validation is not my strong suit, and after reading through the validation cheat sheet, I got the impression that it was a good thing to validate their feelings. And it would definitely be a 180 for me...

Also, I think she's finally got it through her head that she's not getting any money from me. I've stuck to my guns on that one and I'm not gonna back down. And it could very well be the NGS trying to creep out too. I don't really know. I guess that's why I came here first for some input instead of just sending the text...

[joejoe1]

I don't think you should try and validate her feelings for not getting the job. Also you don't and she dosent know if she hasnt gotten it yet.

Validation is more for when she tells you she feels and certain way, you don't try to tell her she feels opposite. You validate that her feelings are hers and she has a right to feel that way. If you want to tell her uplifting words, then I would wait until next time she calls and if she brings it up and tell you she hasn't gotten the job, you could say something like, "You are a hardworking woman and you will get a job soon, I'm sorry this one didnt work out for you". Put the positive up front in your comment. After you make that comment, let her talk and tell you what she needs to tell you. Don't keep saying sorry or glorifying her.

My thoughts.

[mtb1981]

Validation is more for when she tells you she feels and certain way, you don't try to tell her she feels opposite. You validate that her feelings are hers and she has a right to feel that way.

I understand this. She told me she was upset because she was supposed to start tonight, and they called her and pushed it off, and she thinks she will not be getting it anymore. That's why I was asking if I should validate her feelings of disappointment and frustration...

It seems that the general consensus is to just let this one go, so I don't plan on sending her a text. I was just looking for a way to step up my validation game, because it has pretty much been non-existent...

[SteveLW]

Yeah, I think based on her pattern of behavior that you will have more than enough opportunities in the near term future to validate her feelings.

[mtb1981]

And since we're on the topic of validation, how does one validate while not being an available emotional sounding board at the same time? One of the DB principles seems to be that the WW needs to sense the loss of the LBS, that the LBS shouldn't be there as an emotional support system. It seems like cake eating. Validation seems a lot like being an emotional support system...

[joejoe1]

I suspect once she sees your distancing from her starting to widen, she will try to blame you for her leaving. That will be a good time to say. I understand how you could feel that way.

If she doesnt find a job soon prepare yourself for watching her hit the bottom. We never know How for S will allow themselves to sink.

You are doing great. I really proud of you sticking to your guns on that $2000 situation. You gave her tough love in that situation and she will need more of it.