I hear what your saying ginger. My son wants that as well. Everytime he asks me for us to all go some place together, I tell him "no. I dont do things with daddy or your grandma anymore"
I dont think one way is right or wrong. I just know I dont want to put on pretenses. I can't act and pretend like what they did is ok. I won't give them that because ex and his whole family are all about images and secrets and lies but covered up with utensils in the proper spaces, home made birthday cakes for coworkers, immaculate home and luxury car.
I think its because ex's mother pretended like his dad was "out providing" when he really left for years and when he did come back wasnt truly present. I saw how ex turned out with all those lies and cover ups and I wanted my son to see that his dad's actions have consequences.
My son was older then your daughter when ex left and he knew that he left us though. So very different.
hi Maika, you seem to have mastered GAL. do you do it when the kids are with W? do you share them for equal time? How much were they impacted by selling of home and your S?
Hey Arshi - that's a great question. I wouldn't say I have mastered GAL, but I know how important it is and I have been proactive in integrating it in my life.
How you do GAL really depends on your context. Someone without kids can easily go NC, completely dark, and GAL without worrying about being away from kids. If you have kids, depending on their age, and what level of responsibility you have determines a lot too.
For me, I have kids 50% of the time and so I structure my life around that schedule.
When the kids are not with me, I do all the external stuff that I want to do - go climbing, movies, go out for drinks with a friend, and read/write (I am still struggling with the last one a bit as I haven't been managing my time as well as I wanted, but working on it)
When I have the kids, I am completely involved with them, so I don't have personal GAL activities, aside from working out. Getting healthy and working out was hugely important for me as one of my goals, but with my kids schedule, I wasn't able to continue with my gym membership. It was going to be impossible for me to do it. I was fortunately in a position to create a small home gym with everything I needed to start. So, I workout in the evenings after my kids go to bed and that is my GAL when I have them.
On the weekends that I have them, I basically organize the day around activities that they want to do, which depends on the weather as well. Now that summer is here, we spend most of the time outside the home at parks and outdoor activities. I also take them climbing with me on the weekends they're with me and we've created something special that they only share with me, not their mother.
I have created my own system of what I loosely call 'The Law of Shared Needs' - I have outlined what I need in life and what the kids need in life. And both sets of needs are on the same level. If at any point both sets of needs come into conflict, the kids needs trump my needs. But, the way that I have structured my life, that generally doesn't happen. But just as an example - if the kids want to go out and play at a park and I'd rather be a couch potato because I am feeling tired (mostly cuz I am lazy, which I have worked on), then we get up and go out and I don't get to be a lazy bum and put on tv for them to watch.
But, I think that GAL is about getting that space so that you can really exhale and breathe and just have that time for yourself. I don't think it's necessarily how long that time is, but what you do with that time. That's why it's important to identify those pockets of time and then start planning what to do.
Some people also falsely believe that GAL is about spending money and it can get expensive. 25yrsmlc, another poster here, has consistently explained how she GAL'd on a virtually non existent budget. So, finances is just an excuse to not do something for yourself. I spend few hours on the weekend reading a book and I spend zero dollars on it. I can go for a walk and it costs me zero dollars.
You won't be able to figure out the perfect schedule right away and it takes time to tweak it to see how it can best suit your needs.
Start with something easy to do just to get momentum. And then once you experience the emotions of doing something for yourself and meeting your needs, it will snowball.
Your other question - yes, the kids were hugely impacted by the selling of the house and the whole situation in general. I've created a great deal of stability for them and it has also allowed me to grow immensely as a parent and recognize where I was failing and why - I went to IC to help with that which had a great direct impact on my relationship with the kids - we are tighter than ever.
They are still experiencing emotional hardship no doubt - especially my older kid. But I am working with him to talk about stuff more and hopefully be able to take him to a counselor soon to just chat and help him.
There will be impact on the kids, just varies depending on their age. You have to become the strong stable parent, but at the same time learn how to process your own grief and emotions in a private manner so that you are engaging in self-care.
This is not easy, but this is your life and your kids lives and you have no option right now but go forward. Take that and run with it. You will be better for it and it will show on your kids. Kids, and I know from my own, are super sensitive to your own cues and moods. When I was able to let go of my control issues and chill and really be there for them, a huge level of stress and anxiety just dropped for all of us. Kids relaxed and we made our relationship stronger and deeper. It's probably the best thing that has happened to me since BD.
I hope you also took Accuray's words to heart. Lot of wisdom in there. Figure your GAL out and come back and let us know.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Maybe a better word is sh!tty. As in "my ex is a pretty sh!tty" person. And i am not gonna sit their and come up with explanations for it like foo issues, or maybe he was dropped on his head. Because it doesn't matter.
I think a person capable of lying, betraying, cheating, stealing to/from their own family has to be sh!tty. These actions are pretty black and white no? It's not like there is a gray moral ethical issue they are forced to make a decision about like "hey I'm gonna steal some bread so my kid can eat" .
Oh I think there are a whole lot of shades of gray here. My ex for example, I think what it all boiled down to is she changed and no longer wanted to be married. So is she sh!t? She's a great mother to our kids, she's a kind, helpful person, and despite what we went through I still think she is a very selfless person. She did what she did because she felt there was no other path to happiness.
In some other cases people's spouses go through something, call it MLC or whatever but it can be temporary. They do crazy, sh!t things and even hate themselves for it. But eventually they get past it and return to their normal un-sh!t selves. These are the tough cases because you simply don't know if they are going through something temporarily or not. I mean you would never, ever leave your spouse because they got sick, yet that is exactly what this might be- a sort of mental sickness that they will eventually recover from.
In yet other cases there are previously good people who mysteriously turn to sh!t and they never do turn back again, they stay that way for good. That's in direct contrast with the above, because there is no recovery. So you can wait forever for them to "recover" and they never do.
And then there are those cases where the person was sh!t to start with but blinded their spouse-to-be with fake behavior, then once they got married the sh!t began. It wasn't because they changed, it was because they were acting all along and now their true self is showing through.
Part of the challenge in DB'ing is figuring out which you're dealing with, LOL!
My ex is a very sh!tty individual too. He just is. Always has been and always will be, but he is my daughter's father.
There are many shades of gray as AS states. What I do is not for everyone. I would never ever want to see or hear from the guy ever again if it wasn't for D.
So, yes, my ex is total sh!t. he has done sh!tty things. I've just managed to separate our relationship from us as parents to our D. Because I couldn't care anymore if he thinks he was right, wrong, justified, or anything. I just don't care. It's a long time until most get there.
Very well explained Maika. I always learn something when I read your posts, really also liked the "law of shared Needs" concept. I have to GAL and find myself outside of the relationship that has been my world. Every day reading threads on the forum gets me a step closer.
Trying to untangle this BD beast is no joke and once I realized that I had to take full responsibility and accountability of my actions, I knew that I was making a positive change. I've had a crappy life with many issues starting from childhood trauma with tattooed my behavior with survival instincts that I could not shake off. I am now very aware of it and working towards not trying to continuously survive, but actually relax and thrive in my life.
I knew that my priority was my kids, but I also acutely realized that I had to make myself the priority too. One of my failings in the MR and with life in general and other relationships was that I always minimized my needs. After BD I realized that my needs are super important and I had to figure out a way to be a healthy individual with a satisfying life for me to be a good parent. Hence came the 'Law of Shared Needs'.
So I feel much more grounded and because I am feeding my own spirit and pursuing joy in life, I am a way better parent for my kids. I wouldn't have gotten here without DBing and this community.
