My Journey with WAS (Part 9)

[OrangeK]

Makia,

i think were running on the same brainwaves today.
This morning was awful for me, had a HUGE cathartic moment earlier today, sobbed and cried like a baby. Had to leave work for a bit.
Came back,
Then my boss pulled me in his office for a good pep talk.

Man i work with some good people.


I recall looking up at the full moon last night thinking the all too familiar thought as an EMT "Woo, full moon tonight, all the crazies will be out."
Seems like the tidal pull have emotions running high across the board today.

We got this dude, I cant wait to get home and SHRED the weight set.

Time for grit and hardwork and joy in life. My kids are going to see a happy, patient, masculine, and all put together dad. Imma cry my river tonight with some scotch; make my plans; and wake up tomorrow and start living my life for me.

Thats what im talking about. Im With you there all day man.

My plan tonight: Gym Sesh, Good healthy dinner, shower, 2x pickleback, then into my books for the night. I have a lot of writing (fictional) to catch up on.

[Maika]

Hey Orange! Yeh, I work with some great people too. My colleague came / supervisor came over to just chit chat - she knows my situation. I just completely broke down and she told me that I had to go home. I needed the time and space and she'd handle whatever needed to get done today. I really needed the day off.

I am just going climbing now and going to send some routes and get back on the horse.

I went and got my next ink appointment scheduled. I was going to wait for a few months before I got it, but I am not anymore. It is something I've been meaning to get for a while and I am going to get it. Got some tats done 2 months ago and I have a full plan to get my sleeve done this year as well.

I am super pumped!

[lcause]

M,

I understand that it's easy to get disheartened from comments like that. I can only ask you to not dwell on them. People who are truly content and happy in their lives do not write posts that are meant to hurt others. Only people who are hurting and insecure in their own lives have the urgency to drag others down in order to make themselves feel better for a short period of time. You know how much you love your children and you are the only one who judges your own participation. Not someone else who knows nothing about you.

Happy 1st of May

lc (I need to change my nickname... -_-)

[Maika]

Yeh you're right L.

You should change your name haha. But everytime I see you, I think of L as in Bluwave's signature - Last night I took an L, but tonight I bounce back. You have bounced back and I am glad to have been there to witness and be a small part of your journey.

I think all my grief got bundled up with the small incident with my kids and I felt like a failure and trying to hold it all together. It felt like I was building a dam, but it broke last night and it all came pouring out.

I've always held my emotions and pain in since I was a child. Lots of childhood trauma that hardwired me to that, and it's really hard for me to turn that around. So, I know that I had my emotions put away and I thought I had dealt with my grief, but I don't think I did.

So, that grief came out last night and today at work where I just broke down. I've not lost my composure in front of someone in a very long time and today I just couldn't keep it in and push it down. I think it was really good it came out. I feel more clear now and determined. I know it's going to be up and down and by no means this is the end of all the grief, but I have to figure out ways to let my emotions out. I don't deliberately suppress them, but that's what happens and I don't know how to change that up. I will have to talk to my IC about it.

I am feeling more positive and grounded now after going through a hell night and morning.

Thanks for dropping by! I hope you are well.

[mtb1981]

Maika, Sounds like you had a rough day, but are in a much better place now. I hope it stays with you. This is alot easier when you have the mindset to grab life by the balls and be the best you can be. I wish you luck...

[Maika]

Thanks mtb for your kind words. I am almost close to a year out from BD, and there are still some rough days. So, I'd counsel all newcomers to take a HUGE step back, slow down, and assess what's happening - emotionally, physically, and mentally. This is a long haul and it takes some serious self-work, GAL, and introspection to get to a better place.

I am already way stronger than I was and I have made huge improvements, but there will be specific things based on everyone's personalities that will be one of the main mountains to climb. For me, it has been emotional regulation and learning how to be productive with them.

I thought I was over that hump, but I clearly am not. Just booked an IC appt to help me figure this out. This is digging really deep and learning how to be better.

The day is better now for sure, but last night and this morning were horrendous.

My other issue is the anger - and I have identified it comes from my ego and how it has dealt with this rejection. Not just being rejected by the other person, but rejected so abruptly without being given a chance to prove myself. To prove that I am worthy of this relationship. I realized along this journey how much of this is about W's own issues and when I got out of the LBS fog, I realized that almost all her complaints had no real basis in reality - she rationalized things to justify her decision. The things where she was correct, I have taken that to the chin and am working to improve. Especially communications, conflict management, and not being a NGS. Other things like sex life can't be resolved with her obviously, but I know that so much of it was her personal body image issues and feeling that sex was shameful and taboo, and never getting over that. On my end, I realized I wasn't happy with the sex life and I want more, which she never provided. I could've spoken up more about it, but I had gotten shut down so many times before that I just also shut down and suppressed the issues.

Anyways, what I have realized over this journey is that you can intellectually get to DBing and understand it, but emotionally, you need the time for your heart to catch up with your mind. Some people can do it quicker than others, but it still takes quite some time. My emotions are still not caught up and I am creating environments and contexts around me to assist my heart to get over the rejection and ego.

[OrangeK]

I am just going climbing now and going to send some routes and get back on the horse.

I went and got my next ink appointment scheduled. I was going to wait for a few months before I got it, but I am not anymore. It is something I've been meaning to get for a while and I am going to get it. Got some tats done 2 months ago and I have a full plan to get my sleeve done this year as well.

I am super pumped!

Great minds! Ive been waiting to finish my sleeve forever. i find the act of getting inked cathartic and ive said since all this BS began i needed to get under the gun. Money is a B right now but ill make it happen soon.

I was supposed to go climbing on Sunday but got rained out, plenty of summer to go!

Me you and reframe should plan a trip to climb sometime.

[Maika]

Haha yeh! I've been indoor climbing exclusively - started 9 months ago. I aim to get out this summer though and do it outdoors, which is what I've always wanted.

I've had a number of tat ideas swirling for a long time, but I just didn't go and get them done. Well, now I am. I just got two small ones done, and I am getting a medium sized one done in 2 weeks, and then it's on to the sleeve - which I plan to get done by the end of the year. I need to find a good artist and honing the design will probably take a long time. I have some ideas, but I need the artist to bring it to life.

I'd love to go climbing with you and reframe. I don't live in the US and not sure where you're at.

My climbing plans got crapped on today as my buddy wasn't able to make it. I didn't want to go do auto belays lol.

Money is definitely an issue and so I have to space things out and find creative ways to GAL that doesn't cost much. I am super into financing and budgeting now and so I keep a good track to ensure I am not slipping in too much debt.

Excited for life and getting abs of steel and sending 5.10d routes by the end of this year

[BluWave]

Ink therapy = best therapy. And totally hot ;-)

[Maika]

haha yehhh.. true dat Blu! When you match that with some muscles of steel, it's a good combination. So I hear from the ladies

Well, the tats are for me and I am so happy to be getting them done.