Gotdie #19: patience, trust...and hope

[Gordie]

So eldest in college is coming home soon

She is super judgmental of W and is angry

W really seems clueless about why which I find baffling

I have avoided intervening which has been easy because she is away

W has made clumsy attempts to call and text her to no avail

I know they will both try to drag me into it when she gets home

Any advice

[neffer]

I found these:


Coaching session notes:

I am doing great

Keep doing what i am doing

Take care of kids

Be more open with older kids about what is going on

W is still in crisis

* You cannot save her

She has to explore every path

Let her keep initiating with you

* Stop doing the things a h does for a w

She does not act like a w now

* Stop bending over backwards for her

She must treat you with respect

* Do not protect her ftom her consequences

Be patient

* This will take longer than you think

Expectations hurt you

Be compassionate
---------

Hope it helps!

[25yearsmlc]

My x would fight most with d20, our youngest and most vocal (and most troubled. AND probably related to what she saw from x...??)

Anyhow, these days in x's insane narrative, I am responsible for driving a wedge between x and d20,

AND d20 has suggested I did not back her up enough.

There is some truth to what SHE says b/c I wanted to keep the peace and so I tried to side 60/40 with x.

But I overlooked that when x would criticize d20 for "not pitching in enough in the house" I could have pointed out

that x was not living at the house! Being a dad and husband is more than paying the bills.

When x told me (once) that I "drove a wedge" between them, I managed to say

"H, you're going to have to spend a lot of psychic energy to believe that delusion."

So, my advice is to really ask yourself what is going on when there's a dispute.

Young people see things in a simple way sometimes,

BUT their clarity can also be the simple truth. Don't assume the argument they may have is about "who should drive" but dig into what it's really about.

Your d may feel she's not as important to her mom as her mom's outside interests

or she feels loyalty to you and wants to ENSURE her mom never does this again...

ask your C how to navigate these troubled times. Sure, kids are "resilient" But they are also human.

When x admitted (did not tell, but when asked, admitted) that he is marrying OW this month,

my older d29 cried. Said "I guess there won't be a grand lesson...this is who he is."

Maybe every kid, no matter what age, holds onto the hope that their parents will eventually reconcile and things will be good or better than before.

Which is beautiful and sweet and so very sad.

[Gordie]

Neffer love what you found

You are wise



25 that dynamic of both looking to you to fix

Or blaming you for not fixing

That is part of the dynamic

And i am trying to get out of the fixing business

And yes

I think no matter what age

They want their parents to figure things out

It hurts them more than I know

Innocent

Hopeful

Sad

Reminds me of cathcer in the rye

[Gordie]

So followed coach advkce on somethkng

W asked me to do something i did not want to do

It is something she could easily do for herself

I said no and that i was busy which is true

She expects me to drop whatever i am doing for her

Then she gets mad and gives me the silent treatment

Resisted temptation to reverse course and give in to her request

Why is this so hard

Does not feel this is making things better or bringing us closer

[AndrewP]

Gordie - you are facing contradictory goals both of which are noble.

Firstly you want to have your marriage back. Secondly you want to have a good marriage with reciprocity, trust and dignity. In a word - boundaries.

I think that many of us had similar marriages. When my ex would say "frog" I would jump. Over the years what started as courtesy became habit became expectation and perhaps from some points of view, became abuse.

Both of our spouses felt they could do whatever they wanted without consequences.

It is buried in a lot of the posts, especially by job, that while we grow and change and learn, our spouses don't. They also expect us to not have changed either and to be "right where they left us" as I posted to OwnIt yesterday.

You've picked the path less traveled. In some ways I'm more fortunate than you because in my case she did leave and while it appears she's not letting me go, she's showing no signs of wanting to come back so I can chart my own course. You (I believe) know where you want to go and can see your destination. Your wife is wandering around the left luggage office

I presume she is still resistant to getting counseling?

I wish I had something helpful to say but I don't.

#TeamGordie

[Gordie]

So i did not give in and do what she asked

I did my own thing

She got over it

I think

[bttrfly]

Gordie
Re: relationship with D20 and w - leave them to it. D20 is a young adult and old enough to have a relationship with w that is separate from her relationship with you.

If she talks to you about her feelings about w listen, do not throw stones at w, just listen to D20 as she pours out her pain and frustration and anger. Hold space for her, as they say. Let them figure out their relationship moving forward.

If w tries to drag you in, make it clear that you respect them both too much to get in the middle, that ultimately you don't feel that will help anyone.

Your w needs to do that work alone. She broke their relationship; it's up to her to fix it.

She's not going to like that, most likely, but too bad.

Well done on doing your own thing.

P.S. Here is a hint: most women do not respect men they can control or push around.
Just. Saying.

#teamGordie xoxoxo

[peacetoday]

Gordie

I agree with Bttrfly-

Try to be neutral, validate each side as if your a distant therapist- and allow them to either work it out or not
If you D gets upset, explain to her you love her and respect her feelings and her side
and if W complains ,maybe find a way to nod, listen maybe without any verbal comments or agreements..maybe just mirror back what she says-I'm sorry your and D are having a hard time-

W has to figure it out and if you remind her the "truth"
she will probably point the finger at you

Hard situation
Stay out as much as you can and still let D know you are here for her and hear her-
Good luck

[Gordie]

Butterfly and Peace

Thank you so much

It is against my nature but will try to stay out of it

No w will not like me staying out of it

But trying hard not to care

D will want mt involved too

But need to say i reapect you too much to get in the middle

Butterfly women do not respect men they can push around

Thanks for the 2 x 4

She says jump

I say how high

I am finally getting tired of it

She does not like to hear no from me ever

I have allowed myself to orbit her sun

But i need my own orbit now