Can I just reject that? Just make a decision to say 'no thanks, I don't want **that** particular struggle'?
Yes you can! You can absolutely reject that and say no thanks to it, because you are absolutely right that it wasn't ever really your struggle anyway. It is easy to look back at something after the fact and see things differently, but you didn't have that benefit of hindsight in the situation.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Can I just reject that? Just make a decision to say 'no thanks, I don't want **that** particular struggle'?
Yes you can! You can absolutely reject that and say no thanks to it, because you are absolutely right that it wasn't ever really your struggle anyway. It is easy to look back at something after the fact and see things differently, but you didn't have that benefit of hindsight in the situation.
It feels like such a relief...I feel lighter.
I know that ones of the things I've done repeatedly in life has been to assume the responsibility for a lot of things that haven't necessarily been my responsibility. Some of that I have done off my own bat in order to try and help out and sort things out (mistakenly, I would now say), some of that I know for sure that I have been manipulated into.
So, that's the crux of it. And how rewarding, being able to stand further and further back from it all (M and D), and from my own life outside of that and previous to it, to see some really pretty big patterns emerge.
Hmmm, ages and ages ago I stood in my bath and thought I'd cracked it. Well, it seems I have. And I think it's also now cracked near the plug as well.
The wonderful man I'm with has had a look at it, and he's fixed it temporarily. But it really is time to replace the bath/shower. The bathroom has never been done since I moved into my flat (a long, long time ago).
So, a big house project. Well, big for me.
He's going to do it for me. He's a builder by trade and has also done all sorts of other major house stuff. All I need to do is find something suitable (size, price, fittings), buy it and have it delivered. He'll come over one weekend, probably with his son as well, and they'll both work on it. But be's really keen to help me.
Oh my...let me write that again...he's really keen to help me.
I've never experienced this. In my past life I would have had to sort it all myself: find a plumber, arrange for them to come round, be in when he came round and deal with it all. My XH wouldn't have helped me in any of the process. Well, he might have been in, but only if he wasn't working. I would probably have ended up being the the one to arrange my working week around it all and sacrifice a day of my own creative work for it.
I'm overwhelmed. He's really keen to help me. It feels so lovely, like I can lay my head down on his shoulder and let him look after me in this.
We went away the weekend past, way, way up north (no phone signal for miles). A huge drive there, and then we slept the night in the back of his jeep.
The next day we climbed a pretty amazing hill together. I didn't get to the top as I was pretty scared. We maybe got three quarters of the way up.
The climb had been pretty vertical and very steep, but we were tucked into the side of the mountain, in a gulley, and totally sheltered from the wind. I was getting vertigo (I'm super scared of heights), but was managing to stay with the spinning head and pounding heart I get.
We got to the top of that bit, maybe 1,500 feet up by that point, and there was (for me) very exposed ridge to walk along and climb up to get to the very top of the mountain. It was windier at this point (although no way windy by standards here, in this country. It was actually pretty perfect for climbing/walking) but there was what I think was a 1,500 foot drop either side of the ridge. I couldn't do it. I got the major frights.
So we had some food at that point and came back down.
A nice dinner and we spent another night in the back of his jeep. We'd done 40,000 steps that day.
A huge drive back down on Sunday, stopping to take some photographs on the way.
A pretty amazing experience. I've never done stuff like this before. Certainly never camped out in the back of a jeep, headed up breakfast on a stove...I love it.
We're already talking about doing another one at some point. Maybe not as steep next time, but a much gentler and much longer walk, possibly involving some cycling as well. So far I have managed one 3,000 foot mountain in a day, and some of the climbs have been quite steep and unrelenting. I've been tired afterwards, and my legs have been sore for a couple of days afterwards.
This next trip would be four (much gentler) 3,000 foot mountains in a day. I'm so up for this!
At the weekend I met up with the wonderful man I'm now with. One of his friends came along too.
I'd met the friend once before, almost a year ago now, and knew a little about his circumstances. The friend had left a M, left a teenage son behind too. Not sure if there was an affair involved on his side, but I think the woman he was with after his M was having an affair. That R didn't last long, as she went back to her H (under a lot of pressure and emotional blackmail).
Anyway, I could tell straight off the friend was a super sociable kind, liked people and liked a drink...a lot.
This weekend we went out to a gig, the three of us (which was great) and then back to my wonderful man's house. I stayed up to 1.00am and then went to bed, leaving them to chat (and drink). I'd had maybe one drink all evening?
Now, I was in no way concerned about what time my wonderful man would come to bed at, and in what kind of state he might come to bed in. It's weird, after a bit of initial concern about what he might be like around alcohol when we first met, it doesn't register with me me *at all* any more. He's just not one of those kinds who goes out and gets really drunk every weekend, or even once a month. For starters, he's way too healthy for that. Anyway, I didn't wake up, or even hear him, when he came to bed. Next morning he told me it had been 3.00am. That's how oblivious I was to it all.
In my previous life, I would have gone to bed really unhappy, as I would have known that my XH would have be up *all* night (until maybe even 8.00am, or 9.00am? Definitely until at least 6.00am), getting really wasted, maybe breaking something (glasses, spilling red wine over the sofa...that sort of thing). I would have been awake for hours, hoping that he would come to bed at some point soon. The next day would have been a total wash out, as he would have spent most of it asleep.
Instead, both us us were totally awake mid morning. He made breakfast for us all and suggested the three of us going out for a nice easy walk. His friend wasn't much up for it initially, but came along and enjoyed it. After the walk, about lunchtime, the friend suggested a drink. We had one (I actually had a diet Coke).
Some of the things the friend said gave a little more insight into his M: he'd drunk a lot, his W/XW would find him created out with alcohol/unconscious on the sofa, he found her very controlling, he was incapable of doing any sort of official paperwork relating to his life (to the extent where he had recently sold his car to someone without giving her the log book and knowing her first name only...no contact phone number, no email address, no address), his W/XW had done everything to do with running the house, his teenage S won't really speak to him now. He said 'the spark had gone' and it had been time to leave.
Did he show any sort of sadness? Or remorse for any of the devastation that he must have caused? No. No sign either of any concept of how much devastation that he probably caused.
As he was talking, describing his M, I could feel myself bristling...so many similarities with my own XH and the M we had/the roles we both played.
Anyway, I think I kept it under wraps and managed to stay relatively neutral, as none of my reaction registered with the friend.
It's weird, all of that seems like a lifetime ago now. I can't quite understand how I put up with it for so, so many years. Maybe I just didn't realise that there was another way of being for me?
And at the same time, it all feels horrendously familiar. So much so, that I could feel my hackles rising when the friend was talking about his M and his drinking.
Just glad I'm so totally out of that whole scenario now. I honestly feel that all of that energy I expended in that stuff is going somewhere much more positive now (on me, my health, good relationships, good and very varied work projects). And I have a ton more energy too.
Wow. I can see how the callousness of him would stir up those types of feelings. Maybe addicts just dont feel? Its hard to come to terms with cold discardment.
My ex had addiction issues as well, but kept them a secret. Such a secret i still doubt myself. Even the marriage counselor told me the 15 bottles of hidden jack daniels i found and took a pocture of was merely a crutch he was using for pur marital difficulties.
My ex had addiction issues as well, but kept them a secret. Such a secret i still doubt myself.
I absolutely get all of this. In the pit of my stomach, I know what this feels like.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Even the marriage counselor told me the 15 bottles of hidden jack daniels i found and took a pocture of was merely a crutch he was using for pur marital difficulties.
I have no words...shocked beyond all belief that someone - anyone - could say this to you, let alone a counsellor. Utterly shocked.
Yup. Thats how all american and put together my ex comes across as. I doubt myself all the time. He is well groomed, in good shape. and seems put together. Holds a really great job. Gets back to people. And comes across as humble and intelligent. My own mom said that had he not lived with her for a year, she would have thought it was me that was the problem.
I know your ex was very successful as well. But seemed more social and charming. Fits more in as a narcissist then my ex?
Yup! My ex had tons of empty jack daniels bottles hiding in his desk. And my parents found a bag of them in the garbage. His mom told me he liked to collect bottles and the therapist told me he is not an addict. That she thinks he is just using it as a crutch to get through our marital problems. (2 years later i found out it was going on for 5 year min with the alcohol hidden by secrets and lies). She was not a good marriage counselor.
Maybe we know on a subconsious level. Deep down. Gut instincts?
Like you sensed something deeper. A detachment on your ex's behalf so when he came to bed late, it upset you. But you feel secure with your current boyfriend so no doubts or anxiety or reassurances needed when he came to bed at 3 am.
For me, i resented my ex for years. I felt like he wasnt pulling his weight and everything that went down i blamed it on him. I too came across as controlling and verbally abusive. Like your bf's friend, that was the campaign he waged against me. I dont know if i was being unreasonable or sensed that he was being irresponsible and just did not quite know how or why. I dont know what was the chicken and what was the egg. But i was deeply depressed and always pressuring him to help and be around.
Did you know he was an addict at the time? Did you resent him? Any thing you look back on and say, "i should have known"
Whats hard for me to cope with now is, how can he be an addict yet date someone else with a child. I wanted to believe he just could not function in a relationship because of his addiction. Not because of ME. I wanted to believe it wasnt easy for him. That i held significance to him. I still care about not having him care. Because i cared a lot about him. Even at the end. How can he deal with a relationship when he had had ED with me? (Sign of alcohol and pain killers) he told me "i want nothing to do with women! I cant handle it" yet hes able tondate single moms?
In your sitch, you are doing great with a career and have a wonderful new bf. But i get how hard it is when you are reminded of him through the selfishness of another. Its a trigger. An old wound you banged into. I have aquaintances that have done some pretty similar stuff. And i hate hearing it. Cause its their perspective. And their perepctive does not acknowledge anothers pain and suffering and damage.
For me, i resented my ex for years. I felt like he wasnt pulling his weight and everything that went down i blamed it on him. I too came across as controlling and verbally abusive. Like your bf's friend, that was the campaign he waged against me. I dont know if i was being unreasonable or sensed that he was being irresponsible and just did not quite know how or why. I dont know what was the chicken and what was the egg. But i was deeply depressed and always pressuring him to help and be around.
Yes to this also.
Towards the end I used to say that I felt like I was running a hotel. I was doing all the house stuff (all the cleaning, all the running of the house kind of things) and he was just popping in an out when it suited him. Weird.
One of the first things I noticed when I started to date again, and definitely when I met my significant other, was how capable they were of running their own lives: paying bills, doing the cleaning, doing the humdrum stuff in life, getting themselves to where they needed to be in time.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Did you know he was an addict at the time? Did you resent him? Any thing you look back on and say, "i should have known"
I think I had a stereotyped view of an addict (both of drugs and of alcohol). I've had a few other stereotypical views in my life and have had them totally shattered as well.
I don't mind that. It's just I guess I mind the way in which they've been shattered. It's felt very overwhelming.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Whats hard for me to cope with now is, how can he be an addict yet date someone else with a child. I wanted to believe he just could not function in a relationship because of his addiction. Not because of ME. I wanted to believe it wasnt easy for him. That i held significance to him. I still care about not having him care. Because i cared a lot about him. Even at the end. How can he deal with a relationship when he had had ED with me? (Sign of alcohol and pain killers) he told me "i want nothing to do with women! I cant handle it" yet hes able tondate single moms?
Yes to this as well. In my case, how can he be an addict and have *fathered* a child. Without getting into how soon after he left. Anyway, she's very, very young. She was 26 when they met and the whole thing started, and she was 29 when he finally left our M. Who knows what life experiences she's had, but I always thought she was quite young to be dealing with everything.
[/quote] In your sitch, you are doing great with a career and have a wonderful new bf. But i get how hard it is when you are reminded of him through the selfishness of another. Its a trigger. An old wound you banged into. I have aquaintances that have done some pretty similar stuff. And i hate hearing it. Cause its their perspective. And their perepctive does not acknowledge anothers pain and suffering and damage. [/quote]
A trigger. Yes, that's what it was. I hadn't realised.
I thought I did well at staying in the neutral zone in spite of it. I'm not going to convince anyone if I spoke my truth. They're on their own journey. I don't have to convince anyone. I just concentrate on my own journey. Keep the focus on my own healing.
Thank you. Got offered some work today, with XH's old company. So that was good, that they still think of me, and offer me work. I can't manage it though, because of the dates it's on. Shame, as they always do very interesting work and it would have been fantastic for my CV.
