WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

Thank you Sandi for the input. I have already got the support of my parents to help out if needed. I'm going to tell my WW either tonight or tomorrow (she snuck home at 1:50am last night and slept on the couch like a teenager...quitly closed the doors and everything.She didn't fool me if that was her plan.Now the "poor thing" is tired and already in bed). It might have to wait until tomorrow morning.

[AnotherStander]

Quick update and venting, I'm struggling with W and the GAL plans. My W has made random comments about how I just leave without saying anything and goes on complaining about it. I thought about it and she has always told me ahead of time about her plans (even though they are vague and not 100 percent true). I know we have a communication issue so I thought maybe I should show some validation to her point and let her know my plans from time to time.

You have to strike a balance with this. When you're still living together and especially if you have young kids, then it's not fair to her for you to just disappear with no notice, or come home late, etc. If you make plans then give her some advanced notice. You don't have to give her a lot of specifics, but at least tell her when you have plans and make sure it works OK for her too. Don't use her like a baby-sitter because that will just make her resent you more.

Last weekend I got up early on Sunday morning and asked if she had plans as I walked by her still in bed. She said only to get groceries. So I responded "I'm going skiing for half the day."

That just sounds like a recipe for more resentment!

This week had been decent and until I slipped up. I got out of work on time and went to the gym. When I got home, the WW snapped at me "you work late?" I said yeah and then asked how D7 was doing. WW then snapped again "you work late?" I had my D on my mind and said yeah and then I went to the gym. She acted irritated.

And there's that resentment I mentioned.

So lunch time rolls around and WW says " do you have plans today?" I said yeah I'm going golfing why? She got all pissed off and said " never mind!"

You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I won't have much time there now. I'm the built in babysitter! You go every Saturday morning wherever and never say a thing.

I'm replying as a I read, so when I wrote the above about you making her feel like a baby-sitter I had not read this part yet. So yeah, based on your actions her reaction was pretty predictable.

I said "I'm a grown man and don't have to answer to anyone. If I want to go in town to run errands I can and I do tell the girls where I'm going"

If you want to run errands then why not take the girls? Why does GAL mean dump the kids at home on your W to you? Give your W some alone time. She might actually appreciate you for that.

She continues" You go to the gym after work and have free reign...I pick the kids up after work and i'm stuck with the kids all the time". I said " it doesn't have to be that way, if you have plans you could always get a babysitter."

[slaps forehead]

Then she said something again about how I left when D7 was puking and had diaherra and I never called home and was gone all day! World's greatest dad right there!" I calmly said " I had plans that day but at least I came home. I was home before bed time

Did you know D7 was sick before you skipped out? Be there for your kids.

I'm no longer affraid to rock the boat but am looking for some insight in how to handle these flare-ups in the future. What I did or said that was good? What I said or did that could have been handled differently?

I don't think you've handled any of it well. I think you misunderstand DB'ing, GAL'ing and you definitely don't understand validation. I would suggest you step back and read DB/ DR again and ALL of the links in Cadet's first post to you, but especially the threads on validation. Also look at Sandi's rules several times a day until you understand the gist of them.

Since W hasn't moved, I'm going to go. Do I tell her now? Tell her last minute? Ask her if she's all set for the week? I want to come off strong and to the point as I'm getting tired of her game.

If you're smart you'll cancel this trip ASAP. If you want to disappear for a week then that is something you should talk to your W about, at least a month in advance (even if the two of you end up separating). Even if the two of you are not acting as husband and wife anymore you ARE coparents. You both have parenting responsibilities on a daily basis. GAL doesn't mean shirk your parenting duties.

[Natash]

You have to strike a balance with this. When you're still living together and especially if you have young kids, then it's not fair to her for you to just disappear with no notice, or come home late, etc. If you make plans then give her some advanced notice. You don't have to give her a lot of specifics, but at least tell her when you have plans and make sure it works OK for her too. Don't use her like a baby-sitter because that will just make her resent you more.

I understand this, makes sense but I am confused and will elaborate as I continue the responses.

Last weekend I got up early on Sunday morning and asked if she had plans as I walked by her still in bed. She said only to get groceries. So I responded "I'm going skiing for half the day."

That just sounds like a recipe for more resentment!

I always used to ask my W if she was ok with plans and or at minimum give her adequate notice on when, where,who is was with, and how long id be someplace in the rare event I went out with out W prior to BD. As part of keeping GAL mysterious and a 180, I stopped volunteering any info and only answered her questions. Now I'm wondering if it has been more hurtful than helpful and it's not like I can tell her I misunderstood some DBing advice.

This week had been decent and until I slipped up. I got out of work on time and went to the gym. When I got home, the WW snapped at me "you work late?" I said yeah and then asked how D7 was doing. WW then snapped again "you work late?" I had my D on my mind and said yeah and then I went to the gym. She acted irritated.

You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I do to a point. I told her after her response my plans could be flexible and she didn't care. She wanted to go to an event but never mentioned it to me and that is suppose to be ok but I'm supposed to continue telling her all of my plans like I always did before BD? I'm confused because I read Sandi's rules often and listen to advice Sandi gives me. I can see how I should not be doing something that would increase resentment. Any past resentment can't be from these actions because I never acted this way before but as you pointed out I can see how new resentment could be created.

If you want to run errands then why not take the girls? Why does GAL mean dump the kids at home on your W to you? Give your W some alone time. She might actually appreciate you for that.

I will do this if I get the opportunity. In the past I would take one or both girls, and have once recently. Inside the home, I give as much space to my W as I can. When I leave I make sure the girls have had breakfast and are dressed for the day. The W and girls are usually watching morning cartoons at this time when I leave. Sadly, I knew I was giving her space and time without me around but I never recognized it would be a good time to take them with me to give her space and time alone.

Did you know D7 was sick before you skipped out? Be there for your kids.

This one hurts. I was up with D7 every half hour from 10 until 4 through out the night when she was sick. She hadn't been sick for 3 hours since getting up but as I was saying bye she got sick...so yes I knew. I struggled with this and if you look back you'll see I was planning to cancel. I have always been there for my kids until that day. I was told not to cancel my plans so I followed the advice I was given and didn't. Now, like I said earlier, I am confused. I know my W did not like what I did.

I don't think you've handled any of it well. I think you misunderstand DB'ing, GAL'ing and you definitely don't understand validation. I would suggest you step back and read DB/ DR again and ALL of the links in Cadet's first post to you, but especially the threads on validation. Also look at Sandi's rules several times a day until you understand the gist of them.

Thank you for your thoughts and recommendations. I thought I've been doing well with the rules but have said to myself that I need to work on validation.

If you're smart you'll cancel this trip ASAP. If you want to disappear for a week then that is something you should talk to your W about, at least a month in advance (even if the two of you end up separating). Even if the two of you are not acting as husband and wife anymore you ARE coparents. You both have parenting responsibilities on a daily basis. GAL doesn't mean shirk your parenting duties.

I did talk with my Wife this morning. I told her I was recently in invited to go on a trip for a week but before I could commit I needed to make sure she was ok caring for the girls without me for the week. She said "yeah, that's fine". It was almost too easy. The only question she asked was "is it the full week?" and I said yeah Sunday until Friday. I am wondering now if she is planning to move out this weekend or next weekend when I'm gone and has not said anything to me (I don't bring the move out up as I leave that up to her to talk about (I will not hold her back, she is free to stay or go, the decision is hers). The other possibility is that I find after she goes out for long periods of time (presumably with OM) the following day she is nicer and in a better almost friendly mood.

I will reread Cadets advice and make a goal to validate daily, several times if possible.

[Natash]

I've been thinking (about points AS brought up) over the night and have come to the conclusion that I have put my own wall up towards my wife due to recent resentment created over this situation. It has caused me to act in none genuine ways. During this time there have been times that my gut tells me this doesn't feel right but I've then said well I've read that often times with a WS you have to go against logical thinking. Not to mention I m working on eliminating my NGS. My concern is that over the past 4 weeks my W will look back and say "what an *ss he has been at times, only thinking about himself like I said" and further justify her decisions are right. I need to stop analyzing everything and relating it to DBing and be the guy I want too be... someone only a fool would leave.

Would it be weak or wrong to tell my wife "Due to the current situation I have struggled at times and this has caused some of my actions and decisions recently to not be genuine"?

I don't want to get into details and rehash the past or create a R talk but would use going to the gym as an example. I could let her know ahead of time before going. Like I've been told in the past, no need to keep it a secret. I think I need to take a break from reading this forum daily and enjoy my trip. Not only enjoy the GAL, meeting new people on the trip but also use the time do reflect on what has been working and what hasn't. I need to come out genuine and focused and hope it's not too late.

[NicoleR]

Hi Natash, I think what you're suggesting would be helpful. I don't have time to write more now but if it helps to clear your conscience and seems appropriate for your situation then you know better than anyone here. The worst you can do is try this approach and if it doesn't help then you can try something else.

[sandi2]

Quote:
You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I do to a point. I told her after her response my plans could be flexible and she didn't care. She wanted to go to an event but never mentioned it to me and that is suppose to be ok but I'm supposed to continue telling her all of my plans like I always did before BD? I'm confused because I read Sandi's rules often and listen to advice Sandi gives me. I can see how I should not be doing something that would increase resentment. Any past resentment can't be from these actions because I never acted this way before but as you pointed out I can see how new resentment could be created.

The statement in bold caused me to go back and read every post I wrote on your thread. I don't think I gave you any advice to give you the idea to intentionally cause more resentment in the MR. In fact, you were the one wanting to keep some activity a secret and I told you not to do it. I explained that you did not have to give precise details about GAL.......but interact as if she was the elderly lady living there for room & board. Politely communicate what she needs to know about your GAL. You don't have to be rude about it.

It's been my experience to see H's with NGS really struggle to find balance in his quest to appear more self confident, in charge, standing up to his W, etc. From what I could tell in your recent posts, this is true for you. You have difficulty with your "delivery" about GAL. Perhaps it is b/c you are trying not to tell her much. IDK the tone of voice you use, but in reading what you've said.......it could come across as a bit rude to her. I've also told you when a couple falls into a tit-for-tat situation there is no win-win solution. The resentment only gets worse. Someone has to break that "pay-back" theme. Know what I mean? You have resented her going out every other Sarurday, so when you do inform her of your plans......I suspect some attitude might be showing through. I also suspect, and have cautioned you about you planning GAL in order to prevent her from going out. That is controlling behavior, and it is not helping the situation. If both of you happen to have plans at the same time, then a babysitter is required.

What you don't want to do is swing too far out in one direction, decide it's not working and swing way out the other direction. Find the middle.

Would it be weak or wrong to tell my wife "Due to the current situation I have struggled at times and this has caused some of my actions and decisions recently to not be genuine"?

Yes, it would sound like an excuse to her. And, saying this right after telling her about your trip........sounds as if you are trying to butter her up. She hasn't responded, except to ask if the trip would be all week, right? So, you see how this would look to say the above quote now.

This is an example of what I mean by you swinging from one extreme to the other. You read some post of mine and think you have to be rude to be tough. I have never told you to be rude to your W. I've not suggested you act like an a$$, have I? Then you read Another Stander's posts, and you think he is telling you the opposite of what I've said, so you go swinging to what feels more comfortable to you.........which is soft, nice-guy ways. That wasn't what Another Stander was suggesting. At least, I didn't read it that way.

Find balance, Natash.

[sandi2]

Continuing from my previous post.........

I see that your W did agree to your trip, and she didn't get b'tchy,which is good. Let this be the breaking the tit-for-tat behavior pattern, okay? Try to leave on good terms.

I think a week apart may be a break for both of you. By that, I don't mean to have any expectations.

[Natash]

You do understand why she's angry don't you? I mean she has every right to be!

I do to a point. I told her after her response my plans could be flexible and she didn't care. She wanted to go to an event but never mentioned it to me and that is suppose to be ok but I'm supposed to continue telling her all of my plans like I always did before BD? I'm confused because I read Sandi's rules often and listen to advice Sandi gives me. I can see how I should not be doing something that would increase resentment. Any past resentment can't be from these actions because I never acted this way before but as you pointed out I can see how new resentment could be created.[/quote]

The statement in bold caused me to go back and read every post I wrote on your thread. I don't think I gave you any advice to give you the idea to intentionally cause more resentment in the MR.

You are correct and I don't think you gave me advice to intentionally cause resentment either. When I wrote the response to AS I felt like I should not have left/kept my plans the day my daughter was sick as looking back it might have caused resentment. Since reading his response and yours I think it clarified alot for me and I will explain as I go.

In fact, you were the one wanting to keep some activity a secret and I told you not to do it. I explained that you did not have to give precise details about GAL.......but interact as if she was the elderly lady living there for room & board. Politely communicate what she needs to know about your GAL. You don't have to be rude about it.

Again, 100 percent correct. I really wish I had come home with the bike that night as I regret keeping it a secret because she has not moved out and ii should have addressed it at the time. Looking back, anytime we've had a debate or argument, it has been over something that lacked communications. When all said and done, I end up talking about it anyways so it would make sense just to be direct with my W and tell her I am going to A,b,c, etc and avoid possible future arguments/discussions.

It's been my experience to see H's with NGS really struggle to find balance in his quest to appear more self confident, in charge, standing up to his W, etc. From what I could tell in your recent posts, this is true for you. You have difficulty with your "delivery" about GAL. Perhaps it is b/c you are trying not to tell her much.

Amazing! You nailed it. I realized today that the seceracy/mysterious part of GAL that I was attempting I struggled with and it made it feel fake and not genuine. I believe this is because my GAL part of my life is not where I know and hope it can be (it's just starting out) and also the resentment I have acquired probably does come through with a little attitude. And you are right, I struggle with not telling her too much. Ive told myself today to step back and relax. As I increase the quantity of genuine activities it will become easier and become natural to look calmly at my W and say "I have plans on this date to a,b,c, are you ok with watching the girls?" and at those times it won't be easy for whatever reason, I will stand up to my wife and tell her without any shame or guilt. I'll refer to my out of state trip again when buying the bike. As tough as it was too leave a sick child, getting out with a buddy for the day was fun. Then when I couple my Ws reaction with AS response it made me second guess. I believe the whole problem was my delivery. I did not announce the plans ahead of time and I announced a portion of the plan last minute and abruptly left. I bet if my wife knew I had money down on an item that I would miss out on if I did not make the purchase that day, she'd be more understanding and have less or no resentment. Then again, who knows, she's wayward but at least I could say when something unexpected pops up " you knew I had plans". One other thing I think has been happening is I have been trying to show my wfie I'm getting a life...this isn't about her and should be for me so when I stop caring about what she thinks and go have fun to have fun, it will be easier and feel more genuine as well. 14 years of having your wife as your best friend and doing everything together would cause this I suppose.

IDK the tone of voice you use, but in reading what you've said.......it could come across as a bit rude to her.

My voice is quiet but I'm nervous and abrupt like mentioned above.

I've also told you when a couple falls into a tit-for-tat situation there is no win-win solution. The resentment only gets worse. Someone has to break that "pay-back" theme. Know what I mean? You have resented her going out every other Sarurday, so when you do inform her of your plans......I suspect some attitude might be showing through. I also suspect, and have cautioned you about you planning GAL in order to prevent her from going out. That is controlling behavior, and it is not helping the situation. If both of you happen to have plans at the same time, then a babysitter is required.

Yes you have told me that and will work on an opportunity to break the tit for tat. I think this trip will help. I think the last time we were apart for a week was when we were dating 14 years ago. I am curious about the everyother weekend plans. If I remember right, you asked me what my plans were for one of those Saturdays. I agree and remember reading that trying to affect my Ws plans is controlling. However for my sanity, I'd love to have plans on those days to occupy my mind,time, and think about nothing but goodtimes. Is this a fair view to have?

What you don't want to do is swing too far out in one direction, decide it's not working and swing way out the other direction. Find the middle.

Would it be weak or wrong to tell my wife "Due to the current situation I have struggled at times and this has caused some of my actions and decisions recently to not be genuine"?

Yes, it would sound like an excuse to her. And, saying this right after telling her about your trip........sounds as if you are trying to butter her up. She hasn't responded, except to ask if the trip would be all week, right? So, you see how this would look to say the above quote now.

This is an example of what I mean by you swinging from one extreme to the other. You read some post of mine and think you have to be rude to be tough. I have never told you to be rude to your W. I've not suggested you act like an a$$, have I? Then you read Another Stander's posts, and you think he is telling you the opposite of what I've said, so you go swinging to what feels more comfortable to you.........which is soft, nice-guy ways. That wasn't what Another Stander was suggesting. At least, I didn't read it that way.

Find balance, Natash.

I do feel like this morning my head was focused in one direction and then snapped 180 degrees around so the swinging description is accurate and I will work on the balance.

So tonight I gave details of the trip to my wife. It is an annual trip some in the group have done the same week each year (due to snowmelt, ice out and water levels) for 35 years!. This year the water level is at a record high so it should be interesting! I am looking forward to it and
and remember back in the 7th grade planning out a similar trip on a nearby river as a project for school. At that time I dreamed about how much fun it would be to do it and now I'm getting to (The one thing I haven't addressed is I'm going to miss D7 music concert she has worked hard learning the songs...one is African! I'm planning on having it videotaped for me). I told my W tonight where I'm going, when I'm leaving and when I'll be back. She asked are you going with Ryan? I said yes and she told me she had some dinner plans with a friend next week that she needed to reschedule and wanted to do it for this Thursday. I said yeah that's fine, I was hoping to go to the gym that day but we can work around that.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My W texted me today "anything special you want for birthday meal?" I responded "let me think about it and get back to you" So then when I had a few minutes and was off the tower I had just climbed I texted her back "Are you referring to a meal you will make or purchase?" She responded "this is not a difficult question, I don't care" I thought "who is saying it's a difficult question...I'm not? My answer would depend on what was being offered so I responded "Ruby Tuesdays and the tone of the above text is not appreciated" She responded "it's a text and how you perceive it" I didn't respond and don't like going back and forth with texts when not necessary or worth it. Did I handle this correctly? I was want to make sure in the future if she gets sassy or disrespectful in texts I can put her in her place.

Thank you Nicole for your response and special thanks to AS and Sandi. I feel like I'm in a better mindset now.

P.S-Sandi im going to need your help, I bought my bike as a birthday gift to myself as you know. I regret my choice keeping it a secret as my wife has not moved out when she said she was going to and would like to run a scenario by you in an upcoming post (this one is long enough).









[/quote]

[44tries]

Natash, you remind of myself in a lot of ways. I am also still just beginning my NGS "recovery" journey, so I can't offer all the wisdom of people like Sandi. But, I wanted to comment on your birthday meal text because it was sooo something I would have done. And by that I mean when you asked "Are you referring to a meal you will make or purchase?"

I have learned that if you want to get rid of NGS and have "male dominance" as Sandi calls it, you have to be decisive. For guys like us, when W asks a question--even as simple as 'what do you want to eat?'--for some reason our response is always another question. "IDK, what do you feel like?" "Do you think it's worth it to drive 10min farther to go to A over B?" Etc. The actual question doesn't matter, it could be anything. But it's always some question trying to get more info from them before making our decision because we are so worried about what they think.

In this case, it seems you were asking for clarification because you didn't want to pick the wrong thing if she had something different in mind. It's your birthday! If you wanted her to cook you a homemade meal, just say it clearly and confidently. If you wanted to go to Ruby Tuesdays, then say that. Who cares if she was thinking she would cook or vice versa. It seems like a trivial thing, but her response, "It's not a difficult question", shows her frustration with your lack of decisiveness. You need to be assertive and unafraid of what she might think about your decisions (as long as you are making good ones or they aren't overly important, such as the birthday meal).

I understand your confusion, though, for instance about your decision to go out when your D was sick. You tried to do that with assertiveness and now you regret it. The problem is that it probably wasn't a good decision. Not caring what your W thinks doesn't mean that you can just do anything you want and not worry about it. It's trusting yourself to be able to make good decisions and not worry if they fit her particular fancy. I know it's very unnatural right now; I am right there with you. We have given our wives all the power and it will be hard and awkward at times trying to take it back. We won't always do it right the first time and that's okay. But I think you are really trying and you will only get better once you figure out the ropes.

Also compounding the problem for us, I think, is the importance of taking these steps toward assertiveness with confidence and not nervous awkwardness. This is really hard! But if we try to stand up and are obviously scared and unsure about it, it isn't nearly as powerful and in some cases can even backfire. Rather than trying to instantly become this new strong person in all scenarios at all times, maybe focus on bigger, important areas first. Make sure you know your thoughts and boundaries on it, and what you need to say to confidently enforce it. Picking your battles is still important. I don't think you need to try to put it in your W's face every minute that you are now trying to take the power back. An example--your text about not appreciating her tone when she told you it wasn't a difficult question. I already said that I think it was your response that caused this one from her, but yes perhaps it still was a bit snappy and rude. Not being afraid to rock the boat is VERY important. But I don't think you need to rock it unnecessarily for every little thing like this. Like I said, pick your battles.

Again, I am no expert and I'm only sharing my thoughts from the same boat. If someone like Sandi or anyone else wants to correct me or back me up, great. I just know how hard it is trying to make these changes and there are lots of confusing things to try and navigate. Stay strong and keep practicing, I think you're doing great!

[sandi2]

Yes you have told me that and will work on an opportunity to break the tit for tat. I think this trip will help. I think the last time we were apart for a week was when we were dating 14 years ago. I am curious about the everyother weekend plans. If I remember right, you asked me what my plans were for one of those Saturdays. I agree and remember reading that trying to affect my Ws plans is controlling. However for my sanity, I'd love to have plans on those days to occupy my mind,time, and think about nothing but goodtimes. Is this a fair view to have?

If you make plans on the Saturdays you know she'll have something........will it leave her stuck with the kids? See, this is what causes so much antagonisim. In her mind, she probably sees every other weekend as being "fair". However, it may be the only time she can see OM, or whatever, IDK. WW's don't usually care about fairness.......they care about what's best for them.

My point here is that if it falls on the weekend you know she'll have something planned, then you need to do one of two things. 1) GAL that includes the kids, or 2) be responsible for getting the babysitter. On "your free weekend", the same should apply for her.........and those are the weekends you don't have to take the kids. If you deliberately make GAL plans on her weekend, it appears as if you are trying to sabatosh her plans. Thus, her reason for having the resentment.

When I wrote the response to AS I felt like I should not have left/kept my plans the day my daughter was sick as looking back it might have caused resentment. Since reading his response and yours I think it clarified alot for me and I will explain as I go.

Well, my point about the child being sick at her stomach, was that any mother worth her weight in salt should be able to handle it, without putting it all on the father.......the way she was doing, and has done, with you. You had nursed the child through the night, mopped up the vomit, etc. She appeared to be over it and sleeping peacefully. So, it wasn't as if you left her critically ill in the hands of an incompetent stranger! You are feeling guilty b/c AS asked if you left your sick child........and your W made you feel completely worthless. As a mother, I would not have thought anything bad toward my H leaving, after he had been up most the night with the child. If you had gone to work, it would have been the same thing.......but just b/c you took a break and did something for yourself......you're suppose to feel horrible? Sorry, I don't see anything wrong. Your W needs to act like a parent who can take care of a little girl's sick tummy without daddy being there around the clock. That's one of the issues in the MR, is that you've been the primary parent, while the mother did.......... whatever.

I told my W tonight where I'm going, when I'm leaving and when I'll be back. She asked are you going with Ryan? I said yes and she told me she had some dinner plans with a friend next week that she needed to reschedule and wanted to do it for this Thursday.

Do you see anything noticeable in the quote above? The WW usually wants details about the H's GAL, but she doesn't offer up any of her own. You gave the day, the place, time of departure and time of arrival back home. But the one thing you left out......is the one thing a WW always wants to know. Who is going with you, or who will be there. All you know about her plans is that it's with some "friend". If you had told her a friend was going with you......how do you think she would have responded? It's just her sneaky way of making sure her position is still secure. Even if she is interested in being your W, she doesn't want you becoming interested in anyone else. Ironic, isn't it? It's a little thing called jealousy.

If it helps you to give her the dates and times, I think it's very considerate. I would not offer up extra details, without her digging for them. But then I never dreamed something so simple would give you such a personality or communication complex, either. It kind of defeats the purpose, if you ask me. IDK, guys like you just make me shake my head and wonder what you were like before M.

Tomorrow is my birthday. My W texted me today "anything special you want for birthday meal?" I responded "let me think about it and get back to you" So then when I had a few minutes and was off the tower I had just climbed I texted her back "Are you referring to a meal you will make or purchase?" She responded "this is not a difficult question, I don't care" I thought "who is saying it's a difficult question...I'm not? My answer would depend on what was being offered so I responded "Ruby Tuesdays and the tone of the above text is not appreciated" She responded "it's a text and how you perceive it" I didn't respond and don't like going back and forth with texts when not necessary or worth it. Did I handle this correctly? I was want to make sure in the future if she gets sassy or disrespectful in texts I can put her in her place.

You are making these types of things too complicated, and that aggravates your W. You were not "saying" it was a difficult question. You acted as if it were. You could have just said, "Anything is fine with me"......or else, be precise about what you would like. Maybe it's just me, but it just seems as if you made it more complicated than necessary.
You need to relax about some of this stuff! You're going to have a heart attack.

Happy birthday today!

P.S-Sandi im going to need your help, I bought my bike as a birthday gift to myself as you know. I regret my choice keeping it a secret as my wife has not moved out when she said she was going to and would like to run a scenario by you in an upcoming post (this one is long enough).

Sure!