Wonderful post Vanilla!!! It is encouraging to hear you say that you feel she is still attracted to me. I don't see that just yet but sometimes it takes someone on the outside looking in to recognize such things. Yes, I feel I was absolutely a huge contributer to our marriage ending and I have told her so. I just said all i could do was learn from it and better myself which I have. But it is very encouraging to hear you say that you think she's attracted to me as that's obviously a huge step here.
And don't forget, you're awesome now! You got this man!
Last edited by Cadet; 04/27/1805:48 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am so glad you are back and posting! I want to echo the others and say that your perspective is invaluable to this community. I started reading here myself almost 4 years ago after my BD in summer 2014. I didn't have the courage or strength to post back then, but I spent hours a week/day reading and following posters, yourself included. It helped me to not feel so alone and I would try hard to follow the rules, but often blew it. I also shared your perspective when you said that you felt that others could get through it but perhaps you could not -- the sleepless nights, poor appetite, weight loss, anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide. I struggled with that too. I think I was afraid to post because I felt too defeated and I didn't think anything could help me. I wish now that I had, because the support and advice here is wonderful.
I do have some questions for you now if you wouldn't mind. My sitch unfolded differently. My H could be described as more Wayward (or MLC, but I don't like that term), however he did come back to me after leaving for 10 months. He moved out and took his A to full on relationship, everything blew up, and he ran back. Anyhow, my struggle in piecing over the last 3 years has stemmed from a deep seeded resentment and struggle to completely forgive and let go of the past. I sometimes wonder if I had been alone for longer, or not let him back so soon, if that had helped. I also think that if we were to stay separated, or even separate now, my heart would hold a place for him. I read in your words that you have maintained love for her, despite your healing and moving on.
How did you come to forgive her on your own? Did she not hurt you when she strayed and when she left the M? I am really curious to know how your emotional process unfolded and why there isn't resentment. Did you have to come to understand why she left and explore that, or did you simply accept what was?
Even over the years as I get better with the 180s, GAL, detachment (I still believe in that to an extent in piecing), I have found that those things alone are not a cure for the hurt and damage that was caused.
Thank you for returning and sharing here! Blu
Last edited by Cadet; 04/27/1806:46 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks guys! Well Bluwave, here's the thing that complicates things for me regarding how I forgave her. I've learned that I, sadly, was the root of all that slowly ended our marriage. Not listening to her when she needed me, not seeing she was unhappy for a long time and I was too consumed in other things trying to make our finances better. This wenron for years and she stick it out as long as she could until one day she reached her breaking point. It was around this time that OM and all that happened. Although she is not blameless...and she always has said we were both at fault for our failed marriage...I do truly see now in hindshight that I essentially drove her to the EA by never being there for her emotionally for many, many years. She tried to hang in there and did longer than even I would be able to...but I still wasn't a man anymore. She lost her attraction for me because of my faults and even though I was her husband and she loved me, I was friend-zoned. So it tore her up.
So basically I didn't find it hard to forgive her, I did, however,find it very difficult to forgive myself for letting things get to a desperation point for her when all of it could've been preventing had I not been so oblivious. She never wanted to hurt me but she had to have a life...and I had to essentially get one. Hope that helps.
Ironically I'm seeing her tomorrow night and today was the exact 4 year mark since the bomb drop on 4-27-14. Life is funny and full of surprises isn't it?
Well I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to bring Chinese food over. I'm going there straight from work and won't have time to eat so maybe I'll text her tomorrow and tell her not to eat. She always loved Chinese food and I've been craving it anyway. I'll keep you guys posted on round 3 with her. Have a great weekend everyone!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well she just texted me as I was getting out of work to cancel because she's not feeling so well. I replied with no problem and to feel better soon. She replied with cool thanks for understanding and if I was around tomorrow to give her a shout. I replied that I can't do tomorrow as this is my last night off until next Friday and I told her to take care of herself. Haven't heard back. Not sure what to make of this but I'm not going to think on it too much because it doesn't really matter. Life goes on and I'll find something else to do tonight. I'm disappointed but hey... nothing I can do about it. Not a good sign for sure though. But like I say...I'll survive. Maybe she really is sick after all. No matter what I think it's best I don't contact her again. She can contact me since this is all her doing anyway. I'll keep you guys updated.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Hmmmm. Maybe her feelings are getting ahead of her and she got scared. People do that. I think you're right to play it cool. I think she'll text you again though, no question.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't know Steve...my gut thinks maybe she just wanted to do whatever it might've been she had planned before. Of couse that was an assumption in itself when she suddenly was available tonight because she changed plans. Who knows? This issue can easily tread into mind reading territory though and I refuse to do that. Whatever so going on is going on...I can't let it get to me and won't. I'm disappointed a lot but I'll survive. Although I'd love to believe your thoughts on it...that maybe she is starting to get feelings and is afraid...my gut says no, that's not it. Then again maybe she is sick. For now I go back to maintaining radio silence until send takes the initiative and contacts me again. I think that's my best option.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Don't let it get to you... And absolutely stop being available to her. She was not sick tonight... When she texts you tomorrow, do not reply for as long as you can stand it, and then tack on another 2 hours... Seriously... I knew something was up when she said she wasn't available in Saturday and then suddenly changed her mind... I think she has something/someone else going on that she is unsure about and is bringing you in too soon...
You need to pull way back... You need to stop being available to her beckon call... Remember, you have a life going on with out her. Do not be available to her on the week nights... She was willing to give you her week nights,and not her weekend... Don't settle for that. And I suggest that you have your own plans in place for next weekend... Make her wait. She blew it tonight... Let her know that by your acrions... She will pursue you if you require that of her... Require her to pursue you...
Yes Arista, I too don't think she was sick. I think I did the right thing when she said if I was around tomorrow to give her a shout and I replied can't do tomorrow as this was my last night off until next Friday...which is actually the truth as I'm working a lot, every night this week, filling in for an ill coworker. What I don't understand is why she didn't just leave it at she was busy Saturday. Why bother changing it ten minutes later? Also I was always sure to act like I needed to set these meetings up a few days ahead of time because i too am busy... rather than just agree to whatever night she said. Having said that what makes you think I was at her beck and call? I'm curious if you might see something I did that shows that that I don't see as I purposely tried to do the opposite. I doubt she'll text today but if she does I guess I'll delay reply. My only concern with doing that is I want to give the impression it's no big deal to me that she cancelled, that I'm not upset. If I delay reply that might signal her that she upset me as opposed to just replying within an hour or so and acting cool saying I hope she feels better. I don't want to in any way give her the idea this is bothering me...on the contrary I want her to think he's obviously unphased by it. Thoughts?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Picnic at the lighthouse...that's the story about having a picnic alone and not pursuing WAW and waiting for her to come to the picnic on her own. That she gets scared and runs back into the castle right Vanilla? I am to just act unphased and let her deal with her developing fears about her feelings for me. Is that the gist of what you mean? That's a great story!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
