Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 4

[dream]

Hi Andrew!

Have you checked with the courts to see if they can help you find any information on the filing of the divorce? Perhaps they are the holdup in this process. For me, I had to wait 6 months from filing before I could finalize the divorce. State rule. I don't know what the rules are for your area.

Your letter is a bit wordy. Here's my version-

[ex wife name]:

As per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 6.1, please find attached a copy of the paid life insurance statement. I am unclear as to whether I have an obligation to send this to you every year or not. If you wish to see this annually, please advise me.

Per our verbal agreement of 12-Oct-2017, you have until the end of this month (May 2018) for the final removal of any plants or cuttings you wish along with whatever unused garden ornaments that you may want. Please coordinate this with [S23]. (I will provide [S23] with guidelines around what can and can not be removed. --- not sure why this is mentioned, it seems unnecessary, but maybe you have a reason)

As per our written agreement dated 13-Nov-2017 paragraph 25.1, you were to proceed with finalizing the divorce within 20 days. I have received and acknowledged receipt of form 8A – Application for Divorce – File number FS-18-012 but believe that form 36 – Affidavit for Divorce and form 25A – Divorce Order are still outstanding. (If you could mention that you verified this with the court, I think that would be good. Something like, "I consulted with Such and Such Court that these documents have not been filed as of [whatever date]." If you find the documents have been filed, I would omit this completely. If they have not been filed, she is in violation of the agreement. There should be something in the agreement as to what will happen if the agreement is not followed. I would then mention whatever that is.)

Andrew

Hope this is helpful!

[AndrewP]

Thanks for the input dream. I know myself to be excessively wordy and to ramble on (insert Foghorn Leghorn cartoon reference here although you may be a bit too young for that )

I mention that S23 needs to be involved in coordinating the visit to keep her from going too far in her "shopping" and to - hopefully - prevent her from bringing OM with her. With her knowing that S23 knows that she is supposed to come by then perhaps it may actually happen. Even though they hardly ever see each other (I believe) they will probably see each other on Mother's Day.

Here in Canada the timeline for a "normal" divorce is that after 1 year of separation you can file the application which then has to be served on the other party. They have 30 days to object and if they don't then the last two forms can be filed. The court then checks to make sure that everything is fine and then mails out the divorce order. The last step can take between 6 weeks and 3 months.

As of the last email from my lawyer a few weeks ago they said that they contacted the other lawyer and that nothing had been done. Even though my mind reading powers are not to be trusted I did live with this woman for more than half of my life. I know that she is a procrastinator who avoids doing anything difficult or stressful. Combine that to the fact that she was certainly "branch-swinging", keeping me twisting in the wind while she was making sure of her place with OM just in case she needed to swing back, she may well be reluctant to let go of what she may believe to be her reliable Plan B. I remember her talking a few times that she believed that people should never quit a job unless they have a new one ready to jump to.

Personally I believe that she will never get her "happily ever after" from OM but have been wrong about lots of things in the past. It's been 3 years now though and she's not moved in with him even. Maybe she's happy with the way her life has turned out but I doubt it. On the video clip I have of her from her last trip through the house she seemed consumed with rage. Perhaps at how things are so "unfair".

Will she try to turn back to me? I've never given her any reason to not believe that she can't and she must know that I'm still not even dating much less involved with someone. I expect that when that happens that she will be pretty upset.

And to answer the question "would I take her back"? I'll give the answer that I've given lots of people that may or may not have gotten back to her. I can't imagine her doing what it would take for me to ever trust her again.

I've used this analogy before. In some ways we are maybe like two dogs both staring at the same bone that neither wants but we also don't want the other dog to have it.

(Mind reading alert!) She wants OM and a comfortable life that would justify the pain that she has gone through. I think she gets enough crumbs from him to keep her hoping and connected. He gets a piece of tail occasionally. She knows that I'm right here where she left me and probably has no idea how much I've grown and learned in the last 2 years. I don't want to file for divorce because I wish to (to be honest) punish her by making her do that unpleasant task because this was all about her choices and not mine. Petty perhaps.

Oh - and if anyone involved in the debugging of the forums is watching, I see that there are extra characters in the quote dream posted above that weren't intentionally put in my original post.

dream - thanks again as always for the visit and help. I hope you and your boys - the tall and the small are getting the fabulous weather today that I am here. When it warms up a bit I'm going to unseal some more windows and get some fresh air into the house. I've got a couple of nice steaks out to thaw for dinner tonight for S23 and I. Lots of stuff to do around the house and yard today but will still have time for a walk and a bowl of soup for lunch.

My life may not be as rich as I might like, but it's a good life.

A bien tot

[AndrewP]

Oh Dream - I forgot to respond to your last question. I was in the middle of making my breakfast when I posted last and this might be interesting to others.

One thing that surprised me in the separation agreement is that it clearly states that the clauses are "severable" which is unheard of in the commercial contracts that I'm more familiar with.

What this means is that if there is non-compliance with one clause that the others stay in force. This is smart because it means that someone couldn't justify stopping support if they have a quibble about something unrelated.

In my case the only recourse I would have to enforce the clause would be to take her to court. Which would cost me a lot more than just filing myself and a lot more than nudging her to do what she (reluctantly) agreed to. I can't for example stop sending her her monthly payment.

[Lifes Twists]

Andrew,

It seems to me that your ex has things where she wants them so what is in it for her to do the filing to complete the divorce?

You say you know she is a procrastinator and does not do things like this that may cause stress. You also state that you want her to do the filing ( kinda as payback). It seems to me that the best payback you could give her is to file the final papers to complete the process. Think about how it will feel to her to get the final notice? She would realize she has no control at that point. It would let her feel a bit of what you felt when you found out about OM and also when she did the initial filing and you received the notice. I would look at this as the ultimate response you can give and would free you to move forward by taking control.

[Westo]

[Rose888]

Andrew, you described yourself as an @ss between two bales of hay, unable to choose, but the thing with dating is that you don't have to choose.

It's perfectly acceptable to ask one woman out for a date on Monday, another on Wednesday, another on Saturday.

In fact, that sort of casual dating is much less likely to result in a rebound relationship than picking one woman and only dating her.

[devvo]

Some people see divorce as just a bit of paper. In your case though, I suspect this divorce is hanging over your head like the sword of Damocles. You can cut the thread or you can wait for it to snap. Either way you are going to end up divorced.

My answer to the people who ask me if I'd take my XH back were he to ask is very similar to yours. I really, truly don't think he has what it takes to make it possible. Also, like you, I worry that I am stuck somewhere in the healing process and need to move on.

These two facts should make it pretty clear that we need to do things for ourselves to move along, and I feel that you have the perfect opportunity to do so. If you are happy enough to do it, and you can afford to, I think you might just find serving divorce papers on your W a lot more satisfying than you thought possible.

When you think about it, one of three things are likely to happen:

1. Your W gets jolted back into reality, works out what she wants and decides it's you. Unfortunately, she is rubbish at doing hard things, so whether she stays away or moves towards you, you get to make a choice about your life.

2. Your W gets good and angry, feels humiliated and decides you're a cad. You might feel a little upset about that, but nothing between you will change and you got to make a choice about your life.

3. Your W doesn't care one jot. You might feel a little upset about that too, but nothing between you will change and you got to make a choice about your life.

[OwnIt]

Been following Andrew while I hid out from posting. Sorry you are a bit down, but we all have those cycles, then they make a turn for the better. I still cry way more than I wish I would and way more than he deserves.

[Surv1ve]

Hi Andrew,

Wow, yes, close to Toronto. I can't imagine, as my feed was fill of friends "checking in" safe. I hope you are doing as okay as you can after such a terrible community incident.

I'm a huge fan of encouraging others to date! Ask her out! Ask them all out! It's okay if you're not ready for a full-blown relationship - just make sure you mention that by end of date 2. Maybe you find another re-bounders or someone who is okay with being the for-now person. As long as they're making an informed choice, that's A-Okay. If nothing else, you get to see how your interactions with others have shifted through this and possibly make some new connections, platonic or otherwise.

Do you want to be divorced? If so, maybe you could update your letter (if not already sent) to say, "If the papers aren't filed by X date, I will file them myself as I am in a place where I need this process to be complete." From a trauma-informed place, DOING something is way better for you in the long run so if you want it done, go ahead and set a limit. What's she going to do to you anyway? Are there any potential negative consequences that would cause you difficulty?

[AndrewP]

Journaling (yet again)

I talked to S23 last night about escorting his mother when she comes to get her plants. He agreed. He seemed to be having a bad day and even had a touch of panic attack. I thought it might have been due to problems at work or with my request. He didn't want to talk about it and I didn't press. He did thank me for asking rather than instructing. I did make it clear that it was optional.

I expect it was because today is the burial for his grandparents - my ex's parents which I didn't know was happening today. She and OM pulled up on the other side of the street a few minutes ago to pick him up. They would know I was here - I've been leaving the car out of the garage and usually am working from home on Wednesdays. I'd noticed him getting dressed up and suggested that he take an umbrella - chance of heavy rain today. I thought he might have gotten a shift at the restaurant. We regularly do the "don't ask - don't tell" thing especially about his mother.

Poor guy - this must be tough on him. I wish I could help but this is something he has to face on his own. He has a safe place and a loving parent here though.

The ex is perhaps having an extra crappy day today because I also sent my email with a copy of the receipt for the insurance. It didn't invite contact, just stated the facts. Thanks dream for helping me trim it back. We all know me to be far too wordy.

It's unfortunate that D25 wasn't able to be here for the burial nor the funeral. That's got to be painful for both her and her mother although I'm sure D25 is glad to not have to face either her mother nor OM as yet. Her mother hasn't seen her since October 2015 to the best of my knowledge.

Sending the email sent me into an episode of physically shaking. I know that I shouldn't be afraid of that woman. There's nothing worse she can do to me that she hasn't done already but she was very controlling for more than half my life. It's tough to shake the reaction I have when I might "cross" her. Seeing her in the distance with OM sent me here to pour out my thoughts.

On a more positive note I think a lady from work almost asked me out yesterday. I was sharing with her my rather unfortunate results of attempting to make a cake in the microwave. At one point she looked really embarrased and asked if she could ask a question. After a pause, she asked a trivial and innocuous question about work.

My imagination may be getting away from me though. I've known her for years and we've always gotten on well. She did make a point of telling me once when I was teasing her about being young that she was 42. She is kind, compassionate, never married and I have no recollection of her having a serious relationship - which is something I would tease her about years ago when seeing her working late on Friday nights. Not that it's a real issue but it would be startling for people who would see us together is that she has a "very" dark complexion while I am so white that I probably glow in the dark. I do have very fond memories though of many many years ago getting a kiss from a lovely lady who used to be Miss Black Ontario and is now a relatively famous TV star who probably has little or no memory of me.

But - that's getting well ahead of myself. One step at a time.

I'm going to get a steak out for my dinner and try this which I found after searching for ways to use some self-rising flour I bought for my cake and turned out to not need. S23 will be happy to come home (eventually) to fresh bread as well I hope.

3 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 (12-ounce) can of beer

Preheat oven to 375*F (190*C). Lightly grease or spray a 9 x 5 x 3-inch loaf pan with nonstick cooking spray.

Combine all ingredients, mixing well.

Pour into prepared loaf pan and bake for 50-60 min.

Options - adding garlic, fresh, chopped jalapenos and shredded cheese for a little variation.