O - I hope you can find things that are useful. When my sitch first went down I spent hours on this site every day reading through any material I could to help get me through the dark days and to help make sense of what was transpiring.
I would read stuff from AS, Sandi and ACC....then I would see someone else comment on their posts that hit home to me and then I would go read their posts and dove tail into stuff from many other people from 10 to 15 years ago. It helped me heal.
I didn't save my MR but I was able to save myself and that is more important.
I know things seem dark right now but just know that you will be just fine if you do the work.
You will get there......outside of sex (I will admit she looked hot last night) I don't feel that I am missing out on anything that my W has to offer. She hasn't changed, she is still the same person, I don't see that her life is so great, I don't see her growing as a person which is why I don't harbor those feelings. I am sad for my kids but that is about it.
I concur with you here. Nothing about my W or her life is attractive to me right now. Also, the last few times I have seen her, she hasn't looked that great. she looks tired and worn out. Sad for the kiddos for sure.
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If you are really honest with yourself where you truly happy in your MR? Now you might have been willing to stick it out etc. but if your W never changed and didn't want to work on the issues you had would you have filed for D and walked or would you have stuck it out for your kids? I would have stuck it out but knowing what I know now I should have voiced my concerns to her vs just accepting things as is.
I know that I wasn't happy, with the knowledge I have now I can honestly say that. But during it, I thought this is what a MR is about - sometimes it's just a slog and you have to get through it. I know I would've stuck it out for the kids and I hope that at some point brought up the issues, but I can't say that for sure. The 'me' now would've for sure, but the 'me' now is such a different guy than who I was a year ago.
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Unfortunately no one owes us anything.....I am a firm believer that this happened to me for a reason and I am a better man for it. My EW is the big looser in all of this. She did me a favor as I have learned things that I would have never learned before. I have grown in ways I never thought possible.....
Yeh I guess that is the stinging realization from all of this - you are not owed $hit. I always operated that way with others but gave W a pass because I never thought she would back out like this. I have definitely grown and improved in leaps and bounds. The only thing is that I think that would've been possible if she had agreed to work on the MR. I had already started IC and was looking deep. We could've done it together, but that's not how the story goes.
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Just remember you don't want marriage 1.0 back you want marriage 2.0 but that means she is willing to do the work as well. That work will probably not be done on your timeline. It might take D to make it happen. It might mean that it takes her to experience some harsh realities of living a dating life. Maybe some dude does her dirty and that causes her to realize that M wasn't that bad after all. By then M has a beautiful lady by his side, has moved on with his life and maybe the prospects of her getting her back don't matter. Maybe M realizes that she is the love of his life and they reunite.
I agree about MR 2.0. I definitely don't want the previous marriage. I know what I want now. I want a smart, athletic, caring, and passionate woman in my life.
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The dating life for a single lady with two young kids can't be that easy......the amount of quality men out there that are available is pretty slim. She is not only dating for herself but she also has to picture that man with her kids as well and trust me you as the children's father will be the barometer. Most dudes are d-bags and at my age most of them look twice their age and have not done the work we have. I had a lady tell me last week I looked 38.....I was like cool I will take it
That I am fairly certain of too - I know where I stand in terms of quality men out there, and I know that she's going to have a hard time finding someone who stands as tall as me in everything. I know my strengths and what i bring, and my game is in the top percentile. Good on you btw for that nice lady attention
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This is how I can have my EW come over to the house so my kids can celebrate her birthday. I know who I am, where I am going and am totally confident and comfortable in that setting.
I totally get the fact you want to be a better role model for the kids and show them that you're not an angry person. But I am wondering if the kids feel that the parents are spending some time together and are they going to get back together? They're so little that I don't think they catch the nuances of what's happening. Also, what do you do down the road when you have a new partner?
But I am wondering if the kids feel that the parents are spending some time together and are they going to get back together?
We really don't spend that much time together. We see each other at kid exchange on Sundays for roughly 5 to 10 min. There is no lingering, just updates on the kids, etc. Outside of that it is the Soccer games on Saturdays and maybe a practice here and there. She did come over for her birthday for about 20 min but that would not have happened had the girls not have been with me for my week.
I did let her know she could come by and pick them up, take them some where to celebrate however she came back and asked if she could just come to the house for a few to celebrate with them. The only reason why she did this was because she had plans to go out with her friends and picking them up and doing something with them would have interfered with that.
I will monitor but I don't think there is enough time spent together to get that impression.
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Also, what do you do down the road when you have a new partner?
I don't think it will continue as they get older. If she gets remarried then I will revisit my role in doing this since their step-father might handle them and the gifts until they are old enough to fend for themselves.
Until that happens/if it happens I do feel that I do have a responsibility to make sure things like this happen. The girls are so in tune to birthdays and they started telling me like 3 weeks ago what they wanted to get mommy. I guess I could have told them "Sorry, it's not happening...mommy and daddy are divorced now and if you want to get her a present she can go buy it herself".....I just didn't think it was right.
More than likely the next person I am with is going to have kids and an EX H so I am sure they will understand and maybe even appreciate my stance on the matter. Maybe my EW doesn't come over to the house as I know that if it was her week I would not have participated it was just the circumstances.
In fact the W and kiddos had dinner on Saturday night with some close family friends and I wasn't invited.
The truth is my girls really don't understand what D is all about and what it entails. They made a comment a few weeks ago that my parents had not seen mommy in quite some time and asked me if they were going to come over and see mommy's new house.
Unfortunately there is more to this that they will be experiencing.
Ahhhh!!! I'm having a hard day today. Yesterday had a bit of a rough day with the kids and they cried and then I cried later in the evening and got it all out. Just something dumb happened and it caused my D unnecessary grief and then my S got sad because his sister was sad and it broke my heart and I held it in to support them. Then I let myself break down last night after they went to bed and still feeling the after effects of it.
This $hit is already hard and then life throws stupid things to make it worse for the kids, even though it was temporary. I just really wished I had someone yesterday to support me and be a partner and share the grief and help me.
And then I was googling stuff and I came across some dumb $hit about how some people think there is a big difference between a single dad and divorced dad - the former being more 'adult' because they have to keep the kids full time rather than the latter. I got so angry because I didn't ask to spend 50% of my time with my kids and like I am some fu$%#ng party animal the rest of the days and living the life. I didn't sign up to be a part time parent and I sure as hell hate it that I don't get to see my kids every day.
Just having a bad day. I miss my kids.
I am just venting. I know I need to dust off and get back up. I am doing that every day. I've had a really strong urge to go and get some smokes today, but that's not going to solve anything. I feel like going on a bender to avoid the pain, but it's still going to be there when I get back from the detour. I know I need to get through it, but I just don't feel like today. I am exhausted. I need someone in whose arms I can just fall into and they can just take me, warts and all, and take care of me. I just need a few days of that.
Sorry M......I have my moments as well so I completely understand. I don't have any magical words of wisdom, at least any new ones :), but just know your not alone.
Oh man! This community has saved me so many times. Sending all you love and hugs as well.
I am taking the day to reset and recalibrate. I've just not let myself feel all the emotions and I gave raws the advice to let it all out, and I guess it helped me give myself permission to do that as well.
I am not grieving W, but the time with my kids and the concept of a family life. I've also just been the support for so many people in my life and been their rock, that I forgot how to fall down and let myself feel everything. I wish I had a rock right now that would take me, but y'all are, and I reached out to some people - which is a 180 for me as I would've never done that in the past. Always was a one-person army.
My anger is coming back up and I am going to put it back into slow burn. W is going to hella regret that she didn't give the family a second chance. F$%k her!!!
My kids deserve better and I am getting back up tomorrow stronger and more focused.
Alright. Feel more settled and determined now. I've been through hell and back with other things in my life and I am ready to tear this $hit apart.
Summer is here and I am already looking good. Time to turn the dial up on this workout and diet and climbing and start crushing all of these goals.
Can't wait for a woman to touch me and realize I am made out of steel, and catch that look on her face. I already got game as a parent and friend and I am hella smart - I know the mix that I bring is going to be hard to compete with and W is always going to compare whatever trash with me.
Time for grit and hardwork and joy in life. My kids are going to see a happy, patient, masculine, and all put together dad. Imma cry my river tonight with some scotch; make my plans; and wake up tomorrow and start living my life for me.
